Ice Cold Milk & an Oreo Cookie....

So I had a dream last night/this morning. I was licking peanut butter off of Mario's - uhm- ABS (yeah that's it ABS!) and he was running his hands through my hair and it was pretty fucking HOT until the damned alarm clock went off. SIGH. I tried to go back to sleep but it was futile.

I've given up my weekday shifts at IHOP. As of today. I am not making enough money to cover the gas it take to get there. The business is slow and they over staff. I just can't handle standing around waiting for a table to come in, rotating with other servers, and also, all of that fucking deep cleaning they want us to do since we are the slow shift really got my goat. I mean, come on, I'm willing to clean while I wait tables, I'm willing to do what's necessary. But don't think I'm going to be eager to clock in and deep clean shit for $2.13 an hour when it's so slow no customers are coming in. No way Jose. If I made even close to $20 in tips I'd go and clean and not complain. But it's not even $10 in tips the majority of the week and the rare times when I do well are just that, RARE. Too rare. Perhaps I'll pick it back up when things pick back up but for now, I'm Friday, Saturday & Sunday only.

Marie has a new internet love. Fish face's ex! ROFL. SCANDALOUS!! I'm having serious doubts about my 2 eldest children's eyesight. Both are forever telling me how hot so and so is and then I get a look at wonder WTF? Like this one shown popping her collar. I've blurred her into oblivion, but I wanted to show you the hand. WTF? Is she a little person? And, ROFL I can't help but remember what Marie said about the girl she dated last year with the small hands. Basically, to cut to the chase, SIZE matters, whether you have an actual penis or not. Anyway she called Marie, I answered and called out "Marie it's your girlfriend" and the girl said to me "I'm her boifriend, as in, b-o-I-f-r-i-e-n-d, you know?" And I giggled and thought to myself "I can't WAIT to blog about this"


Enough of that, lets get back to Mario..... Thank me with chocolates..........................















OK was that enough to erase the tiny hands from your brain? I'm really sorry I had to do that to y'all. Still love me???

I'm so not getting any work done. I've spent most of my time looking up Mario and wow. Time has FLOWN by. I don't give a damn what kind of cheater/ womanizer Mario is, either. Mario is fucking HOT and I'd almost, have a hard time choosing between him and Jamie. I just want to do ... things... with him and to him. Lots and lots of things. Naughty things. Perverted things. Well, honestly, with both of them. I'd like to be the creamy center between a Mario and Jamie cookie. Kind of like an oreo, only much better. And you know how you start off eating an oreo right?

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Off to a late start

Hey all, I'm off to a late start this morning, so I'll be back later!

No TMI today.

So guess what I'm doing on Sunday after I get off work at IHOP? Turns out, I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Oh yeah, I know, it's July and all. But, that's what I'm doing. Now, ask me if I WANT to do this. NOPE. But I will. Because Marie came home with a 15 pound turkey last night and now everyone's mouth is watering for the fixins. It was one hell of a good deal though, $6. This is one of those times I wish I had a deep freezer. I'm not looking forward to all of this, but I am looking forward to having turkey croquettes again. YUM. Double yum because no one else likes them so they are all for me!!


K and I went to get the car inspected yesterday after work. We pulled into Kwik Kar and they said they could do it, just park it, and go inside to wait. And wait we did. And wait and wait and wait. The entire time we were waiting we listened to the lady who worked the counter baby-talk to a baby she was watching. I can't tell you how annoying that was, I mean, sure, cute baby and all, but dayyyum that "let me get your belly oh what a cute little belly do you have a cute little belly oh I'm gonna nibble that cute little belly give me that belly" shit she was spouting off made my head hurt. They had an aquarium running with dirty water and a few sad looking fish. The rocks at the bottom were filthy, the top inch or two had changed color they were so dirty. But we did enjoy people watching. 2 "What Not To Wear" moments happened, back to back---there was the lady who sat right next to me and K even though there were 10 other seats, she was wearing a knit tube dress, strapless, above the knee in a fuschia color which was bad enough, but she pared it with a thick gold belt, big gold jewelry, white stockings and white mules. A few moments later another woman walks in, this one younger. She was wearing white pants with baby blue vertical stripes, thick stripes, not like pin-stripes. Poor fitting, all bunched up in the ass, very visible panty lines and the pockets were gaping open on the sides. She pared this with white pumps that had dark blue horizontal stripes and bright red toes topped with a bow in a different shade of red and a tank top in a 3rd shade of blue, a bright red purse and orange sunglasses. ANYWAY, we sat there while they serviced 2 cars that came after we did before we decided to take our business elsewhere. Of course, the moment they realized we were leaving became the exact moment they were about to get started on our car. Uh-huh-yeah-right.

You ever have someone take a task, something as simple as making toast and turn it into something along the lines of splitting an atom? Yeah. HOB did that to me yesterday. She asked me to get rid of some of the old statements in the billing system so I was preparing to do just that when she then decided to add her input on how she wanted it done making the task a bazillion times harder and so now I'm not going to do it at all and she can just SUCK IT because it was more of a favor to her and not actually work that my boss would expect me to do. It would have made things easier on her, but I will be damned if I go through 500 bazillion additional steps to make her work easier for her. Especially when I have to put up with stupid shit like:

Yesterday from HOB:

"This order doesn't have a comma, I don't know which is the last name"
The name as it appeared on the order was "Clark Eddie".

Seriously, how does she manage to get through the day???

Um so yeah....

I spent the weekend in a small space surrounded by men and women who all kept pressing their bodies against me. Which sounds like a lot of fun until you ad the part about me being at IHOP and the men and women were just my co-workers. It did dawn on me though, that this is not the job for anyone who has issues with people getting in your space. The fact of the matter is, the area is just too fucking small for all of us to fit back there without things being bumped or brushed against and so you'd better get used to it if you intend on working there.

I'm not gonna lie though, some of the waiters are hot young things who flirt and flirt and flirt until you can't HELP but blush (one reminds me of Chris Tucker I swear to God) and a handful are hot young things with rock hard bodies. Anyway they just ooze testosterone and I'd be perfectly content to be squashed between them in a hot kitchen for months on end. There must be something in the water out here, I don't know, but these are absolutely, without a doubt 100% grade A "FBT's"...future boy toys. They have a tendency to come and stand reallllly close when they talk to you, realllllly, realllllly close. I totally do not mind one bit. I also don't mind it one bit when the larger, stronger FBT comes up behind me and says something in my ear. Even when it's "hey would you get me a water for table 36?" My mind starts cranking like I'm the next Mrs. Robinson and I start imagining...well...I'm gonna let that thought just dangle...

Add to the FBT's my one and only Hottie Cook and well, Weekends here has a really hard time staying focused on the goal of begging for tips. Hottie Cook has officially been moved to weekend mornings. He got totally jealous yesterday when I asked Juan what he wanted to drink before I asked him. I had gone in to the walk-in for juice and he caught me in there and told me I am supposed to ask him first from now on. ROFL! It was kinda hot, actually, too bad I can't act on it. IF I were single we could have totally had a moment in there. Those men have some egos, boy, I'll tell you! He wasn't too mad to carry the heavy boxes up front for me though, and he did smile ear to ear when I told him "thank you those boxes were so heavy!"

Beyond the FBT's and Hottie Cook you have Andrew. I love Andrew. Andrew has absolutely no boundaries and really doesn't give a damn if he crosses yours either...but he can do that. He's adorable but also gay so he's totally not an option no matter how cute he is. Even when he does things like he did yesterday. I'm standing at the drink station, packed shoulder to shoulder with servers. (Imagine 4 or 5 people all crowded around one fountain machine trying to get their drinks and ice at the same time. No, we can't take turns, it has to be a free for all otherwise you would be there all day.) So what does he do while I'm trapped there? Stands behind me and presses his entire body, groin and all, against me and then wiggles back and forth. So I don't say anything because seriously, this shit is TYPICAL it's so crowded I didn't know I was being molested. I didn't even know it was him till I heard him say in my ear "Oh did you like that? I know you did, too bad it's useless for you because my dick doesn't like girls" and then he grinded me one more time before walking away laughing. He absolutely kills me.

It's not all good though. Not all the bodies that brush against mine belong to FBT's. We all have issues with Deanna. Deanna is a doll. I get along great with her. BUT, Deanna is a giant. She is quite possibly, the largest woman I have ever seen. And no, I don't mean plus size- although she is that too, but I mean just large in general. She's definitely over 6 feet tall, her hands are as big as my face and her feet are scary big. Seriously, she's built like a linebacker. I asked one of the larger FBT's what size shoe he wore (15 hot damn) because I noticed them standing next to one another and her feet looked to be about the same size, just a bit more swollen looking. ANYWAY what I'm trying to get at....Deanna has this tendency to say "EXCUSE me" at the entrance of the kitchen server area and then just keeps walking. Doesn't matter if you are there busy doing something, doesn't matter if you have anywhere you can actually move to in order to get out of her way, doesn't even matter if you tell her to wait a second. You either move quickly, climb up one of the FBT's for protection or prepare for full on body contact because Deanna will. mow. you. down.

I was mowed down a whole hell of a lot yesterday, I'm going to start training the FBT's to block for me.

There was a part of the day where I was starting to get just a tad pissed off. Mostly because the hostess tried to sit my table 4 times and 4 times the party wanted to move to another spot. I know it shouldn't piss me off but I'd be lying if I said it didn't. That shit gets old fast. BUT every once in a while I get an opportunity to say "HA HA LOSER you should have stuck with me and my table now suck it and enjoy your bad service" and this weekend was one of them. This woman who didn't want my table chose the one RIGHT next to it. Not my station. So I told her, "OK I will go get the server for this table for you". You know, so she knows I'm done helping her. She then proceeds to spend almost 30 minutes trying to catch my attention. I am blind I can no longer see her or her table and I refuse to meet her eyes. I know she wants something and I don't give a fuck. I just kept on serving my tables, charming them, doting on their every need, patting the heads of little children, pre-bussing, refilling and on and on and on. I was a server QUEEN I'm telling you. Finally I threw her a bone and went to see what she wanted and she said she'd been waiting quite a while for her pancakes and would I go check on them for her. (ROFL) "oh sure, ma'am, I'll go find your server and let him know you need them." (right after I go to the bathroom and brush my hair, and after I make a quick phone call, and after I check on all of my tables oh and after I go and bring out food including PANCAKES to the table that came in after you were seated BUT stayed seated in my station bwhahahahbwahahahabwahaha.....)

I know, I know. I'm passive-aggressive AND a bitch. I can accept that.

Friday's Confession...

Hi, how are ya, how's it hangin' and all that jazzzz.....

This morning started off way too early. I am so sleepy it's all I can do to keep my eyes open. The breakfast I ate isn't helping the matter one bit, either. All I want to do right now is snuggle down in my big bed and drift back off to dream land.

Work -oh y'all. You just don't know. HOB was so annoying yesterday. She just kept after me and kept after me and I just about lost it on her. One of these days I'm gonna slip, I can just feel it. I really, really, really, really, REALLY get annoyed being nagged and she is the Queen. Beyond that, it's the other annoyances, like running a credit card, making a copy of the slip, stapling the copy to the original and handing it to me. Why do I need a copy? If it's stapled to the original isn't the original "good enough?" Really she just drives me nuts with the need to copy every fucking thing. But even that is better than the daily memory quizzes. She's going over the old statements, remember I told y'all how I kinda just said "Fuck-it" and decided to let her wade through them? Well, of course, it has to have somewhere to backfire. This woman, who can't remember to check to see if she's wearing 2 matching shoes, will come to me with shit from 2005, some random comment I made in "notes" on a file or what have you, and expect me to remember exactly what I said, why I said it and what it was all about. The fact that I haven't remembered yet hasn't stopped her one bit from asking me multiple times a day. What I can't figure out, why is she going after the shit from 2005 and not the more current past due shit we actually have a chance of collecting on???

The fun never ends here folks.

So anyway, last night. I worked for 2 hours, "took a letter" for my boss and then went home. I tried pumping him for information as to who the new General Manager is going to be. Ours (Bob) is quitting, last day is the 6th. So anyway I want it to be Maury, but I think it might be Fred. Fred and I are cool, but really, he would totally suck as a GM. Mainly because he hires based on his groin. If you are underage, latina and have large breasts, come and apply. You'll be hired whether you know what a plate is or not.

Speaking of Fred. I suffered the utmost humiliation, and per Forbidden Friend, such humiliation I must confess....


Friday's Confession:


My naughty bits have been exposed to an underaged boy!

Here's what happened...

Remember Evan, 16 years old, the waiter I love, the young man who I say should be my son-in-law some day because he's such a good boy, all sweet, polite and well mannered? Well, he caught me on my cell phone while we were working and asked me if it was TMobile, I said "yes" and he asked me if I happened to have an old phone I didn't want. He needed one that would fit his SIM card and didn't have much money. Well, I didn't have a phone, but K just got a new one so I called and asked if he'd sell it to Evan and he said sure.

I bet you already know where I'm going with this, huh.

So, I'm at work, minding my own business, getting ready to "take a letter" for the boss when boss finally comes over and sits down with me.
"So", he says, "you sold your phone to Evan, huh?" (Evan is his nephew)
"Yep", I said.
"So, you sold him your husband's phone huh?"
"Yep"
"So, did you know there were pictures on the phone he didn't delete?"
"PICTURES?!?" I said, "OMG he didn't delete the pictures?"

At this point his face lit up, his eyes got big and he said
"OH MY GOD! THOSE were YOU!?!"

My beet red face gave it away, even though I tried hard to deny deny deny.

"OMG I am dying here, I'm so embarrassed!!! What did Evan say?!? OMG I can't believe this I am going to have to quit and find a new job!!!"

"Weekends, I never thought you would do something like that!" he said, "I thought they were something your husband downloaded off the internet to his phone"

He always had me pegged as the prim and proper type, he said.

"Oh yeah, that's what it was!" I tried again, worth a shot, right?

"Too late I know it's you but don't worry, I deleted them. Evan showed me the phone and the pictures and I told him they looked like they were from the internet. Then he said did I think your husband should have something like this on his phone. I told him 'come on, we're all men, you know how it is' and so he thinks they are from the internet."

"Well, that's relief, I'm embarrassed enough as it is, so how's about we just not tell anyone about this at all?"

He agreed but I don't trust him LOL. The only consolation I have is that my face wasn't photographed. My tits, my ass, and my hoo-haw have been thoroughly exposed, but no one will be able to identify me unless of course, they've been there LOL.

Now, I have to admit something, as embarrassed as I was, when he said he thought my ass belonged to J-Lo I was kinda proud LOL. I do have a great ass.