Meh. Here's an update. Meh.

I have started this post a few times only to be drawn back into work.  I'm hoping my work will give me a moments peace so I can catch y'all up with what's going on around here.

K is no longer on dialysis.  His kidneys are functioning at 22% which puts him at stage 4 renal failure but there is hope they will improve even more from here.  They are functioning just enough to avoid dialysis so those visits are over.   His diabetes is under control thanks 100% to taking insulin.  I give the meds all the credit because K refuses to eat like he should and has injested nothing but crap since I gave up on him a week ago.  After months of spending my hard earned cash on food he can eat and having it waste because he "doesn't have a taste for it" I am done.  He can live on the drive thru crap he has a taste for.  I don't give a rat's ass.  I tried to force the issue, eat it or starve...he chose not to eat.  His sugar crashed and he vomited all day until he couldn't stop vomiting and required a 8 hour ER visit,  2 IV doses of nausea drugs and rehydration.  His foot is still paralyzed, the very expensive test I am on the hook for tells us the nerves can and will regenerate with extensive physical therapy.  Until his Medicare kicks in there is no way to pay for that.  IF his Medicare kicks in.  Now that he's off dialysis he may not qualify.  I'm just guessing that, it's how my luck generally works out.  Until PT can start I have asked him to get off his ass and use his walker.  He lies and tells me he does.  I don't believe him.  I have no proof.  I just don't believe anything he tells me he does because, well, I just don't believe him.  I have told him that he's used his wheelchair for the very LAST time for doctors appointments so if he's not practicing with his walker it's just going to fuck him in the end because it's going to be really hard for him to go the distance for the doctors trips.  But I mean it.  I refuse to hall that fucking wheelchair around anymore.  He has zero pain when walking so he has zero excuse.  I don't care if it makes him tired.  He is still having trouble with bladder control and generally is OK during the day but will sometimes wet the bed at night.  After telling him more than once he finally did as instructed and woke me up the last time rather than leaving for the dry sofa and leaving me IN the pissy bed.  Probably because I told him if I woke up in a pissy bed one more time I was going to choke him dead.  His bowels are still barely working, moving only every 10 days or so.  And then it's painful for him, he sweats bullets for about 2 hours on the toilet birthing shit-rocks.  And I generally take that moment to remind him if he ATE what the fuck I told him to eat he'd have eaten some fiber and he'd probably be better off and that he forgets that fiber is his friend. 

I'm at the point where I just don't care about anything anymore.  I hate feeling this way but I do.  I don't have an appetite.  I think of food and then he does something and I want to vomit.  I go home and he is sitting there in his wheelchair playing playstation, his nearly full urinal bottle is always sitting on the table so the sunlight can glisten through the pee.  I have asked him numerous times, empty that fucking thing when you are done and he just doesn't do it.  That would mean putting forth the effort to drag his ass to the toilet.  I don't do it either.  It can sit there till it's full and then he HAS to empty it.  I can't do it.  I am ready to vomit just writing this.  I have gone down another pants size.  All he does is sit there and wait for me to come home.  I'm like freaking Xmas and his birthday all rolled into one.  The sun rises and sets on my ass for him.  There is nothing in this world for him but me.  So long as I am there he's happy, his life is complete.  He needs mothing else.  Just me.  Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. He's not going to be happy until he sucks the life right out of me.   At this point he can feel free to do so because this life I have SUCKS.

I feel myself needing to pull away, I am asking for more hours at Denny's.  I'm asking to go full-time there.  I'd rather work 2 full time jobs than go and sit with that man on that fucking sofa basking in the glow of a full urinal bottle until it's time to go to bed.