Weekends Off

Just blabbering...

2012-01-17T14:40:00.000-06:00

2012 isn't starting off to be such a bad year. Our debt and credit and finances have been such a struggle, like everyone else, I know. Partly us, partly life. But things are coming around. Last month I managed to pay all of the utility bills in full - been behind since the beginning of time- this month is the 1st in I don't know how long that I don't have a pink bill sitting in my mailbox. Also, I went to a bank inside Kroger and even with my credit issues and turn-downs from other banks in the area, I was given a bank account in less than 10 minutes for a $1 deposit. And it's a great bank, open 7 days a week, open late, and only closes for 3 holidays per year, been in business for over 100 years.

And, I learned my lesson, mine is the ONLY name on it. There will be no mysterious shoe purchases attached to this account number ever.

Tonight I'm making a quick dinner of grilled chicken, rice and green beans. I want chicken and dumplings but I can't convince K he wants chicken and dumplings too so grilled it is. My last batch of chicken and dumplings was so freaking tasty I have to toot my own horn LOL. It's almost haunting me! And it was so easy. It's only kinda cooking using store bought stock- Rachel Ray in a box (I know nothing of Rachel Ray I only bought her brand because I liked the price) and 2 cans of regular chicken broth (I wasn't sure if the box was enough and the store brand chicken broth is only .49C so I got it just in case. Anyway I boiled 3 boneless, skinless breasts in the stock and broth (I was right the box wasn't enough) and then took them out and shredded. I used Pillsbury Grands Flaky biscuts (the 10 count) and peeled the biscuts into 3 layers. Dipped each layer into peppered flour, tore it into pieces and plopped them into the broth. If you try this the broth has to be almost bubbling but NOT. And you can't stir the dumplings or they will desolve and you will have dumpling flavored soup. You just press them down gently into the broth. Then, when they are done add the shredded chicken. You can stir gently by then they won't dissolve. The broth thickened nicely without adding anything extra and it was even better the next day. I always serve mine with mashed potatoes. I doubt I'll make it any other way again but this!

My boss has left me alone in the office again today. I hate being up here alone as I get bored and start getting hungry and I can't leave because I'd have to close the office and he HATES that. So I sit here hungry and start googling recipes.

And then I find things like these Glazed Doughnut Muffins and I want to put as many in my mouth as possible.

Anyway I've lost my train of thought, both daughters have called. They are fighting and both needed to tell me that they are fighting I guess. I refuse to get in the middle or take sides or say who I think is right or wrong. So I'm gonna go and think about glazed doughnut muffins.

New Year Check In HA!

2012-01-10T09:55:00.000-06:00

OK, time to play catch-up again!

I don't know how to explain that things seem a lot better even though not a lot has actually changed. But things feel better to me. K is doing a hell of a lot better and making good progress, although his doubts creep up a lot and he often doesn't see it. He has this fear that he's going to lose his leg but he has no reason to actually feel that. His leg is healing and no one has told him he's in any sort of danger of that. He only uses his wheel chair in the house when his pain is up. 97% of the time he's walking with his cane. He's in the chair so infrequently I get a little shock when I walk in and see it in use now. He complains that his leg is very heavy to move and there has been more heel pain when he walks because it gets worse when he runs out of meds and is waiting on more. The mail order pharmacy is not to blame this time. He went without for 10 days this time while we were trying to track down the package they sent us. The mailman didn't leave a note on the door or leave it in the large mail lockers in the mail room for us and the apartment folks didn't think to come tell us our package was sitting there all those days either. Our door is 50 steps from their door. Nice, huh? An entire box of medication, everything he takes including his insulin, sitting there in a closet. I just about spit fire when she handed that box to me.

K has had a positive outlook as far as going back to work goes and shockingly he's very focused on getting back in truck driving. If it is possible. We don't know if he is hire able due to his medications but he's really doing well there. Diabetes is in check and his dosage amount was lowered recently. The other stuff he takes I'm sure lots of others take, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. So I kinda have my hopes up a bit. We both seem to share a goal this time. I'm feeling like we are on the same page. We both want to move to New Mexico for the kids/grand kids so I can help raise them and he has even started talking about how he wants to log as many hours as he can to get us there by this time next year. There is even more urgency now as we have not one but 2 grandchildren coming. They will be a couple of months apart. I am dying to move even more now and I am sooooooooooooo needed there.

I guess it's obvious how the girls are doing. Grand daughters are both OK now, but 2YO is recovering from a shoulder injury. She and a kid she was playing with fell, kid falls on her as well and she has a hairline fracture. It breaks my heart I'm not there to help her. Poor thing can't even go potty by herself or sit herself up in the bed but she's being a little trooper about it.

My son is back out in Ohio. Sigh. Back in dead-end town and complaining there is no work. I don't know what to say anymore that hasn't been said. He has to make his choices and live with them and if he chooses hard way then so be it. I did too. I have no room to talk. People told me like I tell him. He doesn't listen. I didn't either. I have no room to talk. I learned. He will too. Some folks really do have to learn the hard way. Literally. The easy or easier way can be spelled out for them as clearly as A-B-C but still choose the hard way by their actions and choices. Like I did and still am if I judge myself harshly enough LOL. But I love him and he knows it and we are good and I make sure he knows the door is always open to him and he has a home.

So last night we had Forbidden Friend and her 2 tornados over for dinner. Obviously she's not forbidden at all anymore, she and K are becoming fast friends now. It's the oddest thing. Her boys were on their best behavior but it did drive me a little nuts that she let them eat doritoes and crackers right before my lasagna dinner came out of the oven. The each literally took one bite. Glad I only gave them 3 bites LOL. Oh well. Maybe they didn't like it. It's only the 3rd time I've made it. K loved it both of the other times telling me it was good until she said it was very rich and I asked him and he admitted it was too cheesy the way I make it. Doesn't that just tick you off? Why didn't he say that the 1st time I made it when I asked? Or the 2nd? I don't eat it---I found a recipe that had a lot of great reviews and it looked easy enough. It's not a big deal to leave out some of the cheese but I wish I had known that before I over-cheesed it a 3rd time. Anyway I've got a ton of leftover too-cheesy lasagna if anyone would like bite of heart attack. No?

Well I've gotta get crackin here on some work. TTYL.

2011-11-29T11:40:00.000-06:00

So how was your Turkey Day? Ours was fine, we had it on Black Friday. I worked on Thanksgiving day and K spent it out of town with his family. I got lucky and got off at 4pm and had the apartment to myself for 5 hours! Granted, I spent 3 of the 5 cleaning it but I was alone and Lord knows I haven't been alone at all (save for bathroom visits) since March.

I managed to have Black Friday off and made the usual traditional foods. My 1st batch of candied sweet potatoes were a disaster so I hit up Kroger for some canned ones and doctored them up to something edible. Other that that it was very uneventful. I invited Mo, No longer Forbidden Friend and 2 co-workers who came out and asked to be invited over to join K and I. Mo and his dog Mary were the only ones who showed up. Mary got both turkey legs as a treat to take home and Mo had 3 helpings of dinner so luckily I didn't end up with an abundance of leftovers.

There isn't much of anything going on around here, same ol' same ol. I have a bit of work to trudge through so I'm gonna get going on it. TTYL!

Oh wow it's been how long?

2011-11-16T16:56:00.000-06:00

Well, one thing is for sure, when I decide to take a break I really take a break, right? I had no intention of being away for so long. Time flies...

K has been improving at a pretty good pace now. Things are settling down for us as far as his medical needs go. Now it's just maintaining. He's out of the wheelchair and as of last week he is done with the walker and using only his cane. His balance is much better, upstairs are still an issue. Distance is also an issue. He can walk with his cane, but is wiped out after a short walk to the mailbox. But, walking is walking. And he will get stronger.

Things have changed for us a bit as well. I pretty much just deal with how I feel day to day. Somedays I'm OK- somedays I can literally feel the ball and chain around my ankle.
I've lost weight. Mostly due to sheer laziness of not wanting to be bothered to cook a single thing more than I absolutely HAVE to cook in order to put something into K's stomach. All of my jeans are too big now but I enjoy that feeling and can't wait to be swimming in them. I don't care to eat much - I eat once a day- K gets his 3 squares and necessary snacks- but I am looking forward to my turkey croquetts this year!!!

As far as the kids go, Marie is pregnant. Did I tell you all that? If not, sorry!! She's due April 11 and it's going to be a baby girl. I'm thrilled! She's bummed it's not a boy but she's coming around and knows she will love Emiliana Marie anyway.

Scott and his band went on the road to play for whatever change may come their way. That lasted about well, a week, until they ended up at his bandmates Dad's house in Indiana where they seemed to get stuck. So they are on a break and he's back in Ohio where he kinda started in that crap rinky dink town where he couldn't find a job the 1st time. Le sigh...

Nikki went from zero contact to limited contact to I only call when I need money contact to a full blown we must talk several times a day and speak to say goodnight to each other every single night type of contact. It's fantastic. My youngest Granddaughter Jamie knows Grandma's voice now on the telephone and she gets so excited to talk to Gamma and Gampa. She tells us she loves us and misses us and nigh-night. She's adorable. She thinks Gamma can see her thru the phone so she is always showing me things. Last night she showed me what a big girl she was and went and got her pj's and her pullup so Nikki could get her dressed. Nikki puts the phone on speaker and then hands it to Jamie so she can kinda help translate her 2yr old babble. She's adorable, did I tell you that? I could just smooch her like a crazy slobbery person. Don't believe me? Here she is sending Gamma a kiss xoxoxoo

Anywho...

Work has been dead. Business is so slow I wonder how long it is before corporate sells us off to franchise. We are struggling and yet IHOP is busy as hell. I'm considering jumping ship. But I kinda just wanna ride this one out until we find out what's gonna happen with K.

Disability totally denied him. Yeah. We know about appealing. No I don't think we are gonna bother. They have the ability to stall too God Damned much and he's improving steadily so I think we'd come out losers either way.

As far as K goes, I've decided he should be well enough to work come March or so taking into consideration his progress thus far. When he is well, he will be going back to trucking if it is possible which I don't see why it wouldn't be once he is stronger. Once he is back into that, I intend to pay off his loan asap and then retire and move to New Mexico so I can help raise my granddaughters. The plan is set. K will go to work and hand over the pay while I handle everything else in life. I know you're thinking he is gonna give me a hard time but things have changed in the household. I've stopped pretending to have a relationship that I thought I had, that I wanted and I've accepted what I have. I have a man who wants to be nagged. A man who wants to be told what to do, how to do it, when to do it and then be made TO do it. It's much more effort than I cared to spend but everyone has their problems so this is mine. I give up and am pretty much going with the title of Dictator. He can do what I want when I want and how I want or he will be made to suffer in some manner if for no other reason than I get to take out some frustration.

Insert evil maniacle laugh here.

Working tonight

2011-08-30T15:33:00.001-05:00

Hope to make a pocket full of cash. I asked for extra shifts this week so I have no complaints. I have gotten a little behind again on the bills. Nothing drastic, just a little behind and I don't want to let anyone down. Sure wish I could wake up to find an extra $500 under my pillow. Don't think the tooth fairy is going to have a dime for me though LOL.

Anyway I'm glad I'm working. The evening shifts are so much nicer to work than the others. For 1, the management on the other shifts - basically all the other managers besides Jose- are easier to work for. More willing to step in and help out rather than standing and calling your name over and over demanding you come immediately to run your food despite the fact that you are 5 feet away in front of the computer terminal putting in #2 of 3 orders you have to turn in since you got triple sat with 2 big parties and despite the fact that he doesn't have any problem finding someone to run other servers food including ME without badgering the hell out of THEM while they are putting in orders. Deep Breath. Whew. Guess who rode my ass all weekend LOL.
2nd- the co-workers are not greedy and neuotic and nuts. I enjoy working with them. All of them. The difference in shifts is amazing.
3rd- the customers that come in later are more relaxed and less OMFG I have to have coffee IMMEDIATELY and my food should already be here because I want it NOW...

I hope my toothache lets up a bit so I can work and be in a good mood. My jaw and cheek bone hurt up to my eye socket. I can push on my temple and feel it in my tooth. Come on Thursday! I'm so ready. RIP This fucker out or do whatever you need to do just make that nerve DIE.

Well I've stalled long enough. I am pissed off at a client who pulled a "Read the fine print" on me and aren't willing to pay what the order says because of the fine print. So guess who is going to get a REAL hard time every time they send an order thru me. Asshole. But no matter I have to get the work done so I can submit it at 4:59:59. I'll be damned if they get it any earlier than 1 minute to close. That dick can then stay late to do what he needs to do with it. HA.

Thursday at 11

2011-08-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

D-day or should I say Dentist day. Thank GOD. I can't really take much more of this. Antibiotics have done nothing to lessen the pain but at least I'm not getting infected or infected worse. I'm popping aleve and tylenol like candy though.

I can't wait. I am so freaking excited to go to the dentist. I also never thought that would be a sentance coming from ME either. I have bad memories associated with going to the dentist and it takes horrible pain like this to make me willing to deal with the bad memories that pop up but dear God I am willing NOW. My former foster father used to take "opportunities" with me on the way to and from the dentists office and he scheduled a lot of appointments.

Anyway, this dentist was recommended by that manager I don't care for so much...she doesn't know that I just don't care for her but! BUT! She said these folks took people with no insurance and they'd work out a payment plan with me and when I brought it up the dentist office was like yep come on in, bring $30 and we'll get you started.

Done deal. So far. I'll believe the payment plan when I see it but they did say it and they know I don't have insurance so maybe it's for real. It's a dentist located in a white house across from the fire station. Should be easy to find.

Just a quick update..

2011-08-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling better, the tooth still hurts sometimes but only when air hits it. I think for sure the nerve must be exposed somehow. But I went to the ER on Saturday after work at Denny's and got a script for antibiotics and some strong motrin- didn't bother with that script just got the antibiotics filled. I HAVE motrin...now if it had been vicodine I'd have been ALL over that LOL. Anyway I haven't made the $80 to set the dental appointment yet but I will set it before the end of the month when they told me to have it by.

As for the other thing...not really wanting to talk about it so much. I'll just say for now I'm OK where things stand and although I'm not mentioning it here the person involved definately got the full force of my feelings and I feel good that I got it all off my chest and I feel like I was heard.

My son hasn't made it back through yet. I'm kinda glad because I was laid up most of the week and I'm still getting the apartment straightened up from their visit this month, LOL. I'm not ready! I did clean the bathroom and the kitchen last night in case they showed up today. I've got some dusting and vaccuming left. K does the laundry now and he also picks up a little here and there as he notices something.

I'm trying to figure out what to make for supper tonight and the only thing I have a taste for is cornbread pancakes and bacon. I so don't want to bother making them. I suppose I'll just heat up a can of something..I buy giant cans of Chef Boyardee for the really lazy moments I have. I don't care that they cater to the taste buds of kids...I'll eat the hell outta some mini beef ravioli and K has caught on finally that he needs to either eat what he is served or fix his own meal.

Still under the weather..

2011-08-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

I still don't feel well. Same symptoms. I broke down and called Parkland (the vet wouldn't take me) and they have a dental clinic. I need to pay them $80 up front and then they will set an appointment for me- nothing open till September. So I'll take them some cash as soon as I have it.

I really don't feel well at all. On top of it all I found something out that has left me feeling like I've been played for a major fool. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and I just want to crawl off somewhere and be alone.

Under the weather...

2011-08-15T12:35:00.000-05:00

I wonder where that expression comes from... Who was the 1st person to get sick and say they were under the weather?? Um. Anyway.

I'm sick :-( and I want someone to make me feel better and take care of me but there is no one but K and I'm woman sick not man sick. You know, woman sick...where you can still go to work and cook and wash the dishes etc...

My tummy is queasy, I've got chills and some other ailments I'm too polite to discuss...
On top of it all, I have had a toothache for 2 days this is day 3 and I'm just wondering if I can just somehow decide I like the nagging pain sorta like have I convinced myself I liked feeling hungry so I could be lazy sometimes and just not eat.

I'll let you know how it goes....

HA it's another post! What? What??

2011-08-10T13:44:00.000-05:00

So. Tonight we are having Mo-Mo over for dinner. Mo-Mo is our 60+ year old hippy friend who doesn't have much family in the area that he can stand so he belongs to us mostly. We love Mo-Mo despite his ability to completely gross you the fuck out when speaking about things. Last week I nearly vomited when he was talking about his dog in heat. I will spare you. Lucky you, cuz you know I generally feel the need to gross you out right along with me...anywho..I'm serving chicken spaghetti casserole, more garlic bread and corn on the cob and Miss Mary will be having a nice can of dog food. I keep some just for her.

He's really coming over cuz he wants to play Wii bowling with K. It's hilarious to watch I can't wait.

It's 1:38 and I have barely done a lick of work. I have read Celebitchy, The Daily Mail, I've been ALL over my facebook checking on my friends/family, I've read the Miss Manners board on MSN and I've played bejeweled so much I'm still seeing gemstones...I probably should get some work done but shit...the boss is gone now and I know I'm totally just gonna keep surfing even though I'm not finding anything good. It's like the fridge. I can't keep from going back every 20 minutes looking for something, then looking, then seeing nothing and then walking away only to creep back 20 minutes later...

Marie has so far chosen names for the baby that I can't pronounce or spell or I'd share them with you. Sadly, none of the names are Victor...I'm still working on that one. Damnit. I want a baby Victor!!! I may just call the baby Victor anyway, really, what's she gonna do? Tell me I can't? Ha. I'm her Mom I will do what I damn well please.

Well I know this is short, but it still counts as a post so ...

Quiet Apartment...

2011-08-09T14:37:00.000-05:00

It's too quiet without the boys here making music... I missed them before they pulled out of the parking lot. I am rather proud of my negotiating skills...they were to leave yesterday morning but I managed to convince them that they really needed one more hot meal before hitting the road.

I made this chicken recipe I ran across and boy was it ever good! Basically slice boneless, skinless breasts into 3 strips, sprinkle them with chili powder, garlic powder, salt & pepper and I also used a bit of paprika. Wrap the strips in bacon, dredge them in brown sugar and bake them in a greased pan for 30-40 minutes or until the bacon is crispy and chicken is golden. YUM. So good so good. Next time I will zap them with the broiler though to crisp up the bacon even more. It was cooked but both K and I prefer damn near burnt bacon so it wasn't quite perfect for us. I served it with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. I think it's a Paula Deen recipe or adapted from it.

I talked to Mr. Kirby this morning, he is the person handling K's disability claim. The one who has kept us on back to back 30-day holds since we filed. Well, looks like we will have the decision sometime early next month. I am scared to hope for help to come. I'm convinced we will be turned down. I don't think I can allow myself hope anymore. I rarely hope for anything anymore. I just expect the worst of everything and plan for it as best I can. I know that sounds down, but it's easier for me to accept defeat if I expect it to happen. I can't take being let down anymore.

Well, I really didn't have anything to talk about today, I just wanted to post again and see how many are surprised HA.

Sneaking in a 3rd post hahaha

2011-08-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

Whats up with me all of a sudden eh? 3 posts in a month? Man, this blog may just be coming out of hibernation after all!

The Italian Beef dinner I promised turned out pretty yummy if I do say so myself. The fact I had no interest in it didn't stop anyone else from chowing down, I can tell you that! FF and her boys were there right on time and she and one ate the other wouldn't eat it so he just had water I suppose he wasn't hungry. Dunno. Don't really care, his mom was there she can feed him or not ya know? They behaved for the first 20 minutes and then the hellions in them took over and they put on a show of hyperactivitity combined with squealing, squeaking, super fast speaking that sounded like chipmunks and none of us could understand but her and then just sort of hitting each other. It was like a floor show, and then she joined in with the screaming, slapping and rapid chipmunk speak and at some point something clicked when it was noticed that K, myself, Scott and Paul were just sitting there watching the show rather speechless. Scott doesn't like kids at all, he dealt as long as he could and then they went to play guitars on the patio to escape.

I feel bad for FF. Those boys are so out of control at this point there isn't much she's going to be able to turn around- I'm thinking military school lol but that's me. I have almost no patience for kids anymore. I'm an old grouch. I'm still of the old school mind...children seen but not heard...for the most part. A well behaved child who knows their place as a child is always a welcome child....anyway she did lecture them all the way home and they feel really badly for how they acted at my house.

I had a very boring weekend at Denny's. With the exception of mentally plotting the "kidnapping and dumping off in the country somewhere" of this pain in the ass table hogging co-worker OMAR work was pretty much the same shit just a different day. None of us, save for the boss and one co-worker who is Switzerland and likes everyone, none of us can stand OMAR and we have chosen to vote him off the island. Omar likes to hog the door and seat himself too much and then leave his food for us to run for him. Bullshit. Sorry customers of Omar. None of us care enough about you or our jobs to help him anymore. We hope when your service is shit in the future that you tip him appropriately. Feel free to throw the pennies at him. It's fine. We'll cover for you and say we didn't see shit. It's more than being a table hog, btw. We aren't such assholes that we begrudge a good table hog. We figure more props to you...so long as you can handle you station. But! The second WE have to start helping YOU make that money because you have too much to do= yeah...that makes us hate you pretty deep.

Well, Scott and Paul are heading out today, the next stop on their acoustical tour. They'll be back through here in a few weeks...I am looking forward to that already!

OMG am I really posting again?? LOL

2011-08-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

My blog doesn't even recognize this behavior at all...posting back to back. What? The craziness!

Speaking of crazies, I think my new neighbor kinda qualifies. She's a wierdo anyway but today as I was leaving she was loading up a cat into it's carrier and she tells me "I'm a bad pet mom" and I said "uh...." and she kept on, "I'm dumping her at the shelter. This is my 3rd apartment, she's not going to ruin THIS ONE!" and she smiled a crazy smile and put the carrier in the car. I forgot my phone and went back inside and when I came out she was parked next to my car squirting the cat/ carrier with a squirt bottle and laughing...odd...

I'm feeling a bit stressed at the moment. I'm being sweated for a meal and dear Lord didn't I cook enough yesterday? I made lasagna...

with garlic bread but I just heated that bread up from frozen..and I also baked 3 dozen peanut butter chocolate chip cookies...

and I should think that is enough cooking for me. I really don't like to cook anymore. Anyway I owe the fact that I even have groceries to Forbidden Friend who had a surplus of food stamps since her boys spend this whole month with their dad and she doesn't cook so I guess I shouldn't bitch. I just really don't particularly FEEL like eating Italian Beef tomorrow. But she isn't going to stop sweating me till I invite her over so I told her to just come tomorrow and I'll get the fucking meal debt over with.
7 people in my 300 square foot livingroom 2 of which are hyper-active little boys...I think tequila shots in the closet while hiding out from everyone will probably be the only thing keeping me sane.

I think I am developing an issue. It seems like the slightest amount of stress or irritation really gets to me lately. I feel like I am always on an edge with my temper. Like right now, just being pressured into a fucking meal has my hands jittery and I feel all snappy and bitchy and I don't want to feel this way but it's almost like it NEEDS to come out somewhere. I feel like I just want to lose my shit on someone or something....unfortunately we don't have an appointment with Parkland for another 2 weeks (HA)

Well. I'm just a few hours shy of getting off work so I've gotta get a few things wrapped up so I can also have time to check my Farmville...our computer at home died and the withdrawels are ugly. I need my facebook damnit! You should have seen me trying to access that shit through my cell phone this morning at 6am. DYING to know what happened while I was asleep with everyone I know and some I don't but I friended anyway cuz I needed more neighbors for Farmville.

Oh! Before I go...P.S. Marie got her due date today, 4-11-12, how nice, an April baby. A new life in the spring seems so appropriate!

I'm gonna be a grandma again!!!!! And other random I suck at blogging updates...

2011-08-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

Really. Where does the time go? It is freaking AUGUST already? I'm so ready for this blasted heat to go away...it's just killing me on the weekends at Denny's. It is so fucking hot in that place...so hot last weekend I sweated from my eyelids...I didn't even know that was possible.

Updates! Updates!

Marie is pregnant! Yep, Marie. Not Nikki, my daughter who has given me 2 beautiful granddaughters. I mean Marie. I'm still wrapping my mind around the info, seeing as how she's gay and in a relationship I wasn't expecting to get that news while walking thru Walmart in an effort to stall going home....but I'm thrilled! It was planned and the father will not be involved as was the plan. We shall see...I think that's a sticky, tricky situation but it's not my situation to speculate too much on so right now we are just being happy. She will find out her due date tomorrow. I'll be up front, I'm HOPING for a boy but I will adore another little beauty just the same if that's who comes to us.

Scott is in town with his bandmate Paul and they arrived early this morning (3am) but didn't knock till 6. They are "touring" the states in an old van equipped with bunks and camping gear. They plan to play for their gas money, do odd jobs if necessary but basically play for whatever venues will have them/ parking lots, street corners etc. Headed to Nashville after this and then to Ohio where Pauls dad is and then back to New Mexico to pick up band member number 3 who is out of the country at the moment. K and I were treated to an early morning private concert- they really are good IMO!

Tonight I am making lasagna with a loaf of garlic bread and tossed salad. I dared mention making cookies this morning on my way out the door and Paul hoped for peanut butter. I told him yep, WITH milk chocolate chips and the look in his eyes tells me I'd better be whipping them up pronto upon walking in the door LOL.

Nikki and the granddaughters are doing fine. She has recently been in regular contact with me, not only completing conversations but also initiating them and 2 weeks ago she started referring to me as Moooooommmmmmm and hasn't stopped so that's kinda making me feel great like maybe the circle is close to completion and I will have all of my children 100%.

K is improving daily, slowly but surely. With his walker he is up to about 75 feet distance and pretty much walks around the apartment now rather than wheel around until or unless his leg starts hurting. The leg pain is random but daily and the pain is severe enough that he has to lay down to deal with it. The nerves are doing something, he's gotten a slight bit of feeling back in his foot. The vomiting has let up some, it's still there but it's not as bad as it was *morning noon and nite*. All in all he's seeming like he is getting back to health.

I'm having trouble with Parkland Hospital and their mail order pharmacy...they are assholes. But I'm not here to bitch. Let me just say if they don't get their fucking shit straight I am going to go off like I am pretty much known for doing now. Yep, that's me. A hot head. K was actually asked if things were OK at home and if he felt he was in a safe environment. Ugh. OK.

Really, I hate Parklands entire system and if it were ME and I required medical care and the only 2 options were Parkland or the nearest VET I will take my chances with the Veterinarian. And probably come off less frustrated and pissed off. All I have to do is KNOW I have to take K to Parkland for something and my attitude is jacked up. It's like an instant reflex now. My body, brain and patience reject all that is Parkland.

And lastly WORK. Well, we are down to the boss and 3 appraisers, next week we lose one of them. At least this one was man/adult enough to give 2 weeks notice. One just never came back, one quit on the spot after deciding he'd make more money on his own. If he is succeeding in that he sure as hell didn't look the part when I saw him last but thats none of my business and I don't wish bad on him or anything.

It's too fucking hot at Denny's. Seriously. I asked for full time and promptly took every syllable back and blamed it on the heat. I don't deal well with the heat. At all. I nearly fainted last Saturday while on the floor taking an order. My head swooned, the room spun around and my vision faded to black and back. I stumbled but I didn't fall, a nearby co-worker got my arm and led me straight off the floor. I spent the next 20 minutes sitting on a milk crate in the walk-in cooling down before they were convinced I could drive myself home safely. It's not the first time I've almost fainted so it's kind of embarrassing. But I REALLY do not handle heat well at all.

So, the lack of the income I hoped to get from 2 full time jobs will have to wait till the heat lets up. Maybe in the fall. Until then I'm doing like most everyone else. Scraping by and hoping for a better day. The "away from K" time I hoped to get from 2 full time jobs obviously didn't happen either but I'm finding ways to escape- some rather obvious like 2 nights ago when I decided I HAD to go buy laundry soap at 10pm because we were almost out.

And well I gotta make a dash for the bank now so I'll holla atcha...sooner than 1 month I promise!

Meh. Here's an update. Meh.

2011-06-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

I have started this post a few times only to be drawn back into work. I'm hoping my work will give me a moments peace so I can catch y'all up with what's going on around here.

K is no longer on dialysis. His kidneys are functioning at 22% which puts him at stage 4 renal failure but there is hope they will improve even more from here. They are functioning just enough to avoid dialysis so those visits are over. His diabetes is under control thanks 100% to taking insulin. I give the meds all the credit because K refuses to eat like he should and has injested nothing but crap since I gave up on him a week ago. After months of spending my hard earned cash on food he can eat and having it waste because he "doesn't have a taste for it" I am done. He can live on the drive thru crap he has a taste for. I don't give a rat's ass. I tried to force the issue, eat it or starve...he chose not to eat. His sugar crashed and he vomited all day until he couldn't stop vomiting and required a 8 hour ER visit, 2 IV doses of nausea drugs and rehydration. His foot is still paralyzed, the very expensive test I am on the hook for tells us the nerves can and will regenerate with extensive physical therapy. Until his Medicare kicks in there is no way to pay for that. IF his Medicare kicks in. Now that he's off dialysis he may not qualify. I'm just guessing that, it's how my luck generally works out. Until PT can start I have asked him to get off his ass and use his walker. He lies and tells me he does. I don't believe him. I have no proof. I just don't believe anything he tells me he does because, well, I just don't believe him. I have told him that he's used his wheelchair for the very LAST time for doctors appointments so if he's not practicing with his walker it's just going to fuck him in the end because it's going to be really hard for him to go the distance for the doctors trips. But I mean it. I refuse to hall that fucking wheelchair around anymore. He has zero pain when walking so he has zero excuse. I don't care if it makes him tired. He is still having trouble with bladder control and generally is OK during the day but will sometimes wet the bed at night. After telling him more than once he finally did as instructed and woke me up the last time rather than leaving for the dry sofa and leaving me IN the pissy bed. Probably because I told him if I woke up in a pissy bed one more time I was going to choke him dead. His bowels are still barely working, moving only every 10 days or so. And then it's painful for him, he sweats bullets for about 2 hours on the toilet birthing shit-rocks. And I generally take that moment to remind him if he ATE what the fuck I told him to eat he'd have eaten some fiber and he'd probably be better off and that he forgets that fiber is his friend.

I'm at the point where I just don't care about anything anymore. I hate feeling this way but I do. I don't have an appetite. I think of food and then he does something and I want to vomit. I go home and he is sitting there in his wheelchair playing playstation, his nearly full urinal bottle is always sitting on the table so the sunlight can glisten through the pee. I have asked him numerous times, empty that fucking thing when you are done and he just doesn't do it. That would mean putting forth the effort to drag his ass to the toilet. I don't do it either. It can sit there till it's full and then he HAS to empty it. I can't do it. I am ready to vomit just writing this. I have gone down another pants size. All he does is sit there and wait for me to come home. I'm like freaking Xmas and his birthday all rolled into one. The sun rises and sets on my ass for him. There is nothing in this world for him but me. So long as I am there he's happy, his life is complete. He needs mothing else. Just me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. He's not going to be happy until he sucks the life right out of me. At this point he can feel free to do so because this life I have SUCKS.

I feel myself needing to pull away, I am asking for more hours at Denny's. I'm asking to go full-time there. I'd rather work 2 full time jobs than go and sit with that man on that fucking sofa basking in the glow of a full urinal bottle until it's time to go to bed.

TGIF

2011-04-22T15:57:00.000-05:00

So I have a busy night ahead of me. I've got to run and pick up my vacuume from my buddy Mo right after work. His dog knocked over a box of detergent so he borrowed my vacuume a week ago to take care of it. After that I need to stop by the grocery store and buy lettuce so K can have it on the burger he wants for dinner. It is so hard to feed him now. He keeps asking for shit he knows he can't have and I pretty much told him last night that I am not going to be his food police telling him he can't have stuff he knows good and well he can't have. If he wants a bowl of sugar he will get a bowl of sugar. It's too much responsibility to put on me to monitor that too. OK. So I'm not really gonna give him a bowl of sugar but you know what I mean right? Last night he about went nuts wanting chicken nuggets even though he has to start taking meds for high cholesterol now. Haven't filled the script yet, there was another 2-hour wait at the pharmacy so I'll pick them up on his next appointment.

Then after I get home it's dinner and laundry. I've got to wash his hair and get his "bath" ready so he can wash up. Ever since I've brought him home I have washed him up, this afternoon I told him I'd help with what he can't reach and he can do the rest while I clean the patio. I need some flowers out there. I know I'm broke but I need a lift and flowers to water would do it for now. Not planning much, just something colorful and cheap. Maybe I'll have a good weekend and be able to put some out.

It's an early bedtime tonight, he has dialysis in the morning so we have to be up at 4am to wake up and get ready. After I drop him I am coming home and getting ready to grocery shop at 7am with FF on her side of town. Sadly that's our girltime lately. Oh well we have fun whatever we do but it is costing me Starbucks to have her get up that early. I have to be ready to pick K up at 10 and I have to have the truck unloaded so we have to get going early. I've got $125 bucks to spend for a change so I wanna get the most bang for my buck.

We aren't doing much for the holiday. It snuck up on us. Not sure if K will be wanting to go to his family party while I'm working or not since he can't drive himself he probably won't want to. He likes to leave when he is ready to leave and now he'd be stuck waiting for his ride to be ready. I'm off the hook, I gotta work. THANK GOD I've gotta work. The Wildebeast and her daughters are the LAST people I wanna see.

Well I'm hoping you all have a wonderful Easter! Eat some candy for me!!

Oh! The HORRORS....definately skip this post if you haven't had lunch yet...

2011-04-19T13:34:00.000-05:00

So yeah. I'm having to do things I never thought I'd have to do. For example, I never expected to have to trim dead (gag urp) skin from the bottom of anyones feet. But I did. I had to, it was just hanging there causing me to want to (gag urp) HORK up my food everytime I had to deal with his feet. I kept hoping the shit would fall off at some point but gave up hoping after a few weeks of looking at hanging skin feet. His entire body has peeled the feet just wouldn't finish off on their own. I keep slathering them with this stuff the hospital gave me hoping it will keep this from happening again.

I also never expected to have to coach my husband through "birthing" a giant poop rock. But guess how I spent my lunch hour yesterday? Yep. Doing just that. He hadn't pooped in 3 weeks so the doc suggested a stool softener. I bought Colace. Gave it to him Sunday night. Monday afternoon he tried to go and basically couldn't pass the rock and ended up laying on the bed in pain waiting for me to come home and save the day. So I'm calling the nurse and she tells me he needs an enema. The LAST thing in the WORLD I want to do is stick something up his ass. But he's in pain and it's that or a trip to the hospital. Did I mention we had just spent the morning at the hospital getting blood tests etc? Yeah. So anyway, off to CVS pharmacy for a 2-pack of Fleet and a pack of cigarettes. For me. Because yeah. I needed a smoke to get my courage up.

So, he's on the bed, in so much pain he is shaking and sweating profusely and he can barely speak. I prepare him and myself for what we were about to endure. Spread the cheeks and what do I see? A crowning turd. Seriously. We made an attempt, he screamed out in pain and I backed off faster than the speed of light and tried calling the nurse again...the bitch put me on hold and then came back and told me to either try again or bring him in. UGH. I was looking for a miracle, not the obvious haha.

So, the 2nd attempt I managed to get past the rock and get the enema emptied, most of it on the bed THANK GOD I put down waterproof pads. I then help him and his leaky ass to the toilet where he can barely sit and he is at this point shaking really badly from the pain. Sweat pouring down his face, he's also having a hot flash. Poor guy I felt sorry for him but really all I could do was comfort him and try to help him through it. Finally, he delivered his poop rock baby and I was able to get him cleaned up and into bed.

I headed back to the bathroom to clean up the mess and the toilet clogged (DAMNIT) so I had to wait for the maintainence guy to show up before I could escape from my apartment of HORRORS and get back to work.

This is my life now, folks. It's always something, it's never good and it just keeps coming.

I. Am. So. Tired.

2011-04-12T14:58:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I can barely keep my eyes open today. I almost dozed off a few minutes ago, decided posting an update might keep me awake so here I am.

Except I don't really have an update because all I have is shit to bitch and complain about and really, no one wants to read about that so. I'm updating that we are both alive and I guess that's it.

TGIF

2011-04-01T16:05:00.000-05:00

I'm off tomorrow so I can take K to dialysis. The manager is pissed at me, doesn't seem like he believes me since he said everyone always finds a reason to get Saturday off. He's taking me off the schedule as punishment. I am no longer scheduled at all on Saturdays. I told him I could come work 2-10 but it's not what he wants so I'm out. Oh well. What can be done? He HAS to go and family has to take him the first couple weeks till the social worker helps arrange transportation.

Baron is coming over at the crack of dawn so we can get K to the car for dialysis and back out of the car when he comes home. I hope. He said he would on Wednesday night when I told him K fell coming into the apartment but I haven't heard anything since.

I did get us signed up for assistance through Parkland Hospital so now we can get him a doctor and prescriptions and stuff for just co-pays. Whew. That's a load off my mind.

As for K he's doing OK. I'm cutting his hair tonight and giving him his first shower if I can find something to cover his dialysis port and keep it dry. Apparently, if it gets wet we are fucked. I'm thinking plastic bag and waterproof medical tape? I dunno. I'll MacGyver something. The man needs a shower. I've given him a good wash-up and stuff the night he came home but there is nothing like a shower.

He's not really eating. He has no appetite so it seems I am nagging him to eat. He eats 2 bites of whatever and he's done and he doesn't want me to offer more than 2-3 bites worth of anything so I'm making super small portions. That's not enough but I can see why, he just pukes everything up anyway. He's holding stuff down a bit better today than yesterday. For breakfast he had pears and graham crackers, he keeps the crackers down somehow. For lunch 3 bites of salad, 2 bites of a chicken breast and 2 big green grapes. He hadn't finshed it by the time I left but I told him I wanted it gone by the time I get home tonight. That gave him 4 hours to complete. I have veggie soup for him tonight. Low sodium. I need to learn to make soup base haha so I can forgo the canned stuff. But the canned stuff is easier since he's barely eating. I don't want a bunch of stuff going to waste.

Well I've gotta hop off this thing and get back to packing. The office movers are coming tomorrow. Come Monday morning I will be posting from my new spot and my new(ish) desk. Boss is giving me one of the nicer ones since I will be out front in the reception area. I'm cool with that. I'm considering the comfy sofa area part of my office hahaha.

Real quick update

2011-03-31T11:53:00.001-05:00

Well. He's home. It has been a trial, that's for sure. First, we got a suprise bill of $307.46 for the prescriptions he needed filled. Then there was the long drive home, he pretty much vomited the whole day, before, during and after the car ride, plus last night and this morning. Not sure what's the issue. Either he's adjusting to his meds or it's a side-effect of dialysis or it's who knows what. Hopefully his doctor here will have an idea, it didn't seem to phase the doctors in Oklahoma. They gave him medicine for nausea but it doesn't help for long before he's puking something up again. Poor guy.

Then I get him home, he fell and I couldn't get him up on my own. Thank God a neighbor was working on his car and came and helped when I called him over. I think I know where we went wrong but it won't be until we do it again to know for sure. Luckily, he wasn't hurt, he fell in grass.

We finally got his meds sorted out, I got some food that falls along what he's allowed to eat and then I got him to use the bathroom when I got back. All went well till after and the toilet clogged leaving me a mess. None of that bothered me too much but the condition of his feet caused me to lose my appetite completely. Matter of fact, I haven't eaten yet. But I did soak them and grease them up and put socks on him so hopefully that does something. GAG. Believe it or not, I'm sparing you the details.

Then I got him bathed, lotioned, bandaged where needed and into a clean t-shirt and underware and got him and myself into bed by 2am.

I was up at 6 to make tea and straighten up the mess we made bringing everything in. I went around putting everything in his reach, left him graham crackers and grapes and bottled water out in a cooler so he could easily access them. I got him up and in his wheelchair at 7. I fed him breakfast (he's already horked it up) and he took his meds and insulin and he's home waiting for me to bring lunch at 1:30-2. So I've gotta get off this thing and get some work done. I have 2 days to catch up on!

Time to come home

2011-03-30T04:20:00.002-05:00

Today's the day they are releasing K to come home. It's 4am. I've been up for an hour.

Looks like I'm making the drive home with him alone. I texted his siblings 3 days ago that he was getting out today and just got back "OK" from the brothers. His sister called me (sigh) and I eventually pretended that he was calling and I had to click over.

I have to leave here in about an hour so I can avoid morning traffic and road rage haha.I really don't know what to say. I feel kind of numb, maybe it's just too early. Maybe it's the vodka from last night. I'm not really looking forward to the drive to Oklahoma. Looking less forward to the drive back. Oh. Get this. The hospital tells him LAST night that he needs to bring his own walker or wheelchair as they aren't giving him one...which is cool they can keep theirs...but more a heads up would have been really nice. Good thing I got one from my co-worker at Denny's or we'd be fucked. I spent my last bit of spending money on things he's gonna need. But we will get through it one minute at a time like everyone else so I'm not gonna sit here and sweat it. What ever it is, it is. All I can do is deal with it as best I can. Same for K. That's all he can do too.

I gotta go back to work tomorrow, we are moving there so I have a lot of last minute packing to do. He didn't exactly give us much warning. Movers are coming Sunday. I have 30 file drawers left, plus the kitchen and reception area. I hate packing ROFL, seriously. I can only laugh that out of all the packing I've managed to avoid all these years the last 2 moves I have been through have felt like pay-back and all I do is laugh and think "good one, Karma"

The weekend

2011-03-21T13:57:00.001-05:00

I'm tired. It was a long weekend. The customers didn't come either. It was so slow. Slowwwwww. And boss wasn't letting anyone go. It makes you feel more tired when it's slow, believe it or not. It gives you time to feel tired. Just standing around. Looking busy.

K had a rough weekend but the visit with his brothers yesterday cheered him up a bit. I felt so bad because I didn't end up going last week. I kept waiting till they called so I could go get him and that call never came. I can't afford to go back and forth too much. I need to save money for the new eyeglasses he needs, the walker, the bedside toilet thing, bedpan, pads, prescriptions...ugh. The list is endless, really. And that's just the beginning.

I pretty much had to break it down to him and say OK look it costs $100 gas to come and I miss a day of work and you know how boss is. I think about the long run, I'm going to either be late or leave during work or both 3 days a week for who knows how long so I don't want to push it. I only have so much money. I need to buy -list above- But we need to make this decision together and live with it. Do I spend the money to come visit and risk having to turn right back around and spend it again to come get you or what do you want to do? And he wants me to stay at work so I'm glad he sees what I was trying to show him.

Anyway, that's it for now,
TTFN

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

2011-03-18T20:37:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted. K didn't get released this week they can't release him till he is more able to move himself from the wheelchair to the toilet thing and the wheelchair into the car. Possibly next week, the Doctor told him yesterday that they have pretty much done all they can do for him now it's just moving on with his life as is and outpatient treatment. They can hook him up with a dialysis unit in Oklahoma but if he comes back to Texas he's on his own. Since we are not insured that means he needs to go to Parkland and get on their "insurance". We're told I make too much money, they count the household income, not just his, so we aren't sure what we can do besides well, I better not say it might not be legal...not like it's illegal...but anyway. I will say the I told the social worker and she told me that all she was allowed to say was that I was on the right track and that that is what people do but she in her position was not allowed or authorized to tell me that herself so she was glad that I knew anyway. In the meantime I will just be dropping him by the emergency room to go through the system there and get dialysis and have his blood sugar monitored unless they wanna go ahead and let him in somewhere anyway. The Hospital HAS to treat him or they break the law so as much as it sucks that's what it is and we are just gonna do it one day at a time.

K sounded very weak on the phone this evening. He was sounding weak yesterday too. He has barely contacted me in the last 2 days and when he does it is short because he is weak. I'm worried about him. He has days where he sounds so much stronger and then days like the last 2 where I just wish there was something I could literally do for him, something besides just comfort and worry. I'd give him one of my kidneys if it meant he'd get well. They took 4 liters out in dialysis today, the nurse says that's why he is so drained and feels bad. He's sick to his stomach. He also still has horrible pains in his right foot, it must be from the diabetes they can't figure out what else it might be. He coughed up another blood clot. That's the 2nd one this week. It freaks him out bad. He thinks he is dying. They say he isn't, that he's OK and that he's just freaked out. But he thinks he is and then he calls me to say he loves me and goodbye in case he dies and he is scared to go to sleep. And I'm here, in Dallas and I can't do a single thing to help him and it's getting harder and harder to swallow this helpless feeling down and get on with things.

This has been a hard week for me. I haven't wanted to post because that means talking about it and I haven't lived a single thing else except think about it except for a (few blissful hours this morning) in weeks. I've got so many mixed feelings about everything and I've been lost in thought thinking about what my life is going to be like in the coming months, years...etc. Coming from where my feelings towards K were in the months before he got sick it's hard accepting the fact that part of me wants to leave. It's a small part, a small part that says I've done enough and it sucks but I'm done. It says I don't want to work as hard as I'm going to have to work. It says I want an easy day where everyone I know is happy and healthy and no one needs me and I can just be me. Alone. Just me. Just worrying about me and what I want. Free to love who I want to love, be with who I wanna be with or who knows maybe just always only be just me.

But, I know what I will do. Because that's only a small part of me. The bigger part can't do that to K when I know he needs me now more than ever.

Scrambling like a MOFO

2011-03-10T10:47:00.000-06:00

So. Good news is the hospital plans to release K to ME next week sometime. Bad news is I really don't think he is ready, they are just getting rid of him so we can get him back to TX. He is coming home in a wheelchair and the hospital tells me we need to take him to a hospital out here the next day so they can get him started in whatever program there is available.

My apartment is not wheelchair accessable and due to the stairs the complex is not willing to pay for a ramp to be built. My money tree died so I don't have the money for that either. His sister the Wildebeast tells me to just lean him back against me in the chair and get him up them that way...yeah. All 300 pounds of him. Leaning back into me. With my bad back being our sole support...I don't think so. I will just rent a handicapped motel room until I can get us moved. Oh yeah, I have to move. To a handicapped apartment, as soon as one can be found.

I also need to come up with a wheelchair, a bedside toilet, and who knows what else. Unless the hospital somehow plans on sending us home with one. I don't know. I don't know anything except I am FREAKING out over here.

Who is going to watch him while I am at work? Am I to just leave him alone in the apartment? I suppose so. I can just run home to feed and toilet him I suppose? I don't know. I just don't know. I got the news of his release last night at 7pm and his sister called me at 7AM this morning to find out what I had planned.

I told her besides FREAKING OUT? Ugh. I hope she drops her cell phone in a filthy toilet and can't call me anymore.

Saturday post

2011-03-05T13:44:00.000-06:00

Hey all. Well I'm home from work already. They squeezed me in, I didn't make shit today. Just over $30 bucks. SIGH. Oh well, it's almost enough for a full tank of gas which I will need to go see K. I'm leaving Monday after work and spending the night and most of Tuesday until I have to drive back for work on Wednesday. Ugh. I don't like that drive at all nor do I like sleeping in my truck but that's the deal so that's what I will do.

K doesn't really need any money, he's just out of it, so he thinks he wants $60.

Anyway I'm sitting here feeling a little pissed off and in a bad mood so I'm just gonna go and update y'all later.

Update

2011-03-04T19:15:00.001-06:00

Well, this was K's first day being moved out of the ICU. Two days prior K had a night nurse that upset him somehow and he got all worked up and pulled out his own ventilator and nose tube thing. The next shift nurse came on about that time and managed to calm him down and they had to put the nose tube thing back but they left the ventilator out and he is on oxygen. That's the only change in his condition. He's texting me that he is having surgery tomorrow but I don't know what for. According to him it's a stone, I asked where and he said his mouth so he's loopy a bit. He also asked me to bring beef ramen, water, $60 and some lotion.

He doesn't remember my last visit, I didn't think he would. Last time he did remember bits of it though...anyway. So he's feeling very alone and lonely and homesick and he just bawled on the phone with me tonight because he couldn't come home. He feels week and like the situation is never going to get better and that he's never coming home.

I have to say, it eats away at me no matter how logical I can be about it mentally it still eats away at me that I wanted him to GO so bad. I teased about him right before he left because he was going through his things and treasures from his past and acting like he was never going to see them again. It's hard to push out of my mind. Logically I know I didn't know and I didn't do anything wrong. But it feels like I did.

Anyway, I've gotta pick up around here. FF is coming to spend at least tonight with me, she's going to take the truck in for an oil change for me because I don't have a chance with work and need it done so I can leave Monday right after work. I don't want her to see my crazy mess.

3-1 Update

2011-03-01T15:17:00.000-06:00

We have had one hell of a roller coaster ride so far...and to think, I USED to like roller coasters.

K hung on and has improved ever so slightly so they are considering taking him off the ventilator tomorrow depending on how he is doing at the time. He is no longer sedated and is just basically accepting the vent of his own free will and responding by nodding his head when asked questions. It's a vast improvment from last Friday when the doctor called and told us to get there and that we needed to make decisions.....I was not ready for that at all. At what point do you pull the plug? He's still IN there....

Kidneys- nothing. They don't expect them to work so he will live on dialysys. Bowels-stopped working. They are doing things to try to stimulate them. Heart- beating but I got a bill for congestive heart failure. Lungs- 1 working, 1 iffy. It wasn't working but the ventilator pushed it back open and his oxygen levels are good. Diabetes- still in the 250-300 range. Blood pressure acceptable but low- due to dialysis. Pancreatitis- still a problem. They won't give us a prognosis they say it's just to early to say.

His brothers are wonderful. I could totally do without his sister, Aunt and female cousin though. TOTALLY do without. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain that I can't stand his sister at all.

It's these little digs happening. For example, his entire family knows I have to work. They have to work too, we are all in the same boat as far as that goes. So his cousin says shit like "If it were MY man no way would I leave his side for a minute" and I say "I wish I could be here but I have to work I have no choice" and rather than understand that or even empathize she insists nothing else would matter to her she'd just take a leave of absense and that the people we owe would understand due to the circumstances. I just reiterated that I had bills to pay and Kunderstands that. What I WANTED to say was that perhaps IF her cousin K here didn't spend a dime for every nickle I brought in that perhaps I'd be in a position where I COULD take time off...but I didn't. No sense airing dirty laundry in front of the enemy.

His aunt speaks over me and asks the doctor what she thinks sounds like good questions when in reality it just shows she isn't paying attention. I keep getting nasty looks from her when she thinks I'm not watching.

His sister. Ugh. She has now started criticizing my appearance and wardrobe sideways like. Not directly...well my hair she basically told me I needed to do it and "don't put it up in that ponytail thing" and asking me don't I own a dress etc...their brother Byron finally told her we weren't going for a fashion show we were going to support K. But she still got her digs in. Not to mention she calls me constantly all hours of the day and night to list the things she in her mind thinks I need to do and when I tell her the social worker is working on it or the billing office is doing xyz for me she tells me I am the one who should be doing it. Rather than thinking of lists for me why doesn't SHE do it since she can't seem to let me sleep at night without waking me with more things.

She knew I worked all day Sunday. I got off at 11pm after going in at 8am. 7 in the damn morning my cell rings and there she is "Oh so you are still in bed?" I said "yes I worked all day until 11pm last night" and she goes on to blah blah blah blab her blabber to me and then asks me if I've checked on Kendrick this morning. I said "in my sleep? No. I haven't. Have You?" and she hadn't bothered to call herself.

She's gotten really annoying, to the point that I really don't want anything more to do with her but I am putting my feelings aside because I know she does love her brother and he loves her. For now.

Oh and let me not leave out how Baron and I will plan to go on a certain day and she decides first she's going then not then yes she is then not and she goes back and forth delaying our trip and Saturday she was all high and mighty talking about how SHE was going to stay because SOMEONE should be there with him and she left us in the hospital while her Aunt took her clothes shopping! So she would have something to change into and then once everyone else was gone and it was just her, Baron and I she decided she was going home because there was no place for her and she didn't want to be stuck there.

I am not taking her calls anymore. Last night was it. She calls me at 10pm (I didn't call her all day I figured she could just go fuck herself) and wants to know what I told social security. I had a meeting with them yesterday. I told her they asked about his medical condition and they are sending forms to fill out. She said but what did you SAY? I told her I told them what the doctors told us. Then she says "have you checked on him today?" and I said "Of course, you?" and she said well I've called up there several times to see how he is and I said "mmmhumm" and then I said "well, it's late, I've got to work in the morning so I'm gonna let you go." It's not a competition to see who calls the most...

She hinted that I'd want to keep on her good side because she can be a very supportive person. I told her I tend to be independant and able to support myself and that I have friends to lean on.

Anyway that's about it. K is doing OK today.

Lord give me strength

2011-02-23T21:31:00.000-06:00

Surely I need it. I'm sorry to say K was put back on the ventilator tonight. He was unresponsive to the nurses so they had to put him back on after testing his blood gases and finding them too low. The nurse said he was beginning to wake up so they had to restrain him and they are going to get a sedative ordered for him.

At this point they have no idea what is causing his breathing problems. His throat is swollen. Nothing else has changed kidney-wise and his blood sugar is still up and down. He is so weak. He cannot turn or move his body much at all and could barely feed himself when I was with him last. I helped him, he was managing but watching him struggle was almost more than I can bear.

His brother just sent me a text to say they are considering going back down there. His aunt who is with him now said that he isn't looking good but I don't imagine he is considering he just woke up to find he got a huge fucking tube shoved down his throat .

This isn't it. They are all probably thinking it is but the doctors would have said so and they didn't. This is just one of the many downs we face as he continues this rollercoaster.

I don't want to go back to the hospital and see him like that. And I feel like a huge piece of crap for feeling that way because if the shoe was on the other foot he'd probably be there. But I want to just go to work tomorrow and keep getting things ready for him to come home because he is coming home. I just know it.

Another update today

2011-02-16T12:53:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry to say they had to put him back on the ventilator, they think the blood clot moved to his lung and that may be what is causing his breathing problems. K has the top specialists in the hospital so all that can be done is being done. They say he was refusing treatment and so the kidney specialist called me and put me on speaker phone while they told him that he was a young man and that there was a lot they could do to get him well but he had to let them put the tubes back in. They told him he had a 8 out of 10 chance of recovery and a normal life but only if he allowed them to do it. He finally concented after his sister called and talked him into it.

He kept texting me to come and get him that he wanted to leave and I had to tell him he needed to stay. I hope that isn't our last conversation. I'm scared. I'll admit it, because I'm tired and not feeling very strong right now. If he is going to die I don't want it to end on a sour note.

The doctor said he thinks I should probably be there but his sister is sending their Aunt to go see how things are and she will report back and we will decide what I'll do in a bit. I'm going to be honest here, I don't want to go back. I don't know how much more I can take I am really overwhelmed.

I'm not worried about the bill, so don't worry for me that I'm worried about that I was just responding to a comment about it.

I don't know what I am doing as of yet. He has been in danger basically the entire time he is in ICU and so the doctors say yes I should be there, but it is so up and down that I just want to see how he is later. My plan was to return after work on Friday and spend the night and Saturday and then drive back home for work on Sunday. I don't know what my plan is now, his sisters Aunt is going to go check on him for us and then his sister and I will decide whether or not I stick to the plan or make another beeline for the hospital today.

I really hope it doesn't sound selfish but I don't want to go today, I want to stick to the plan. He is going to be there for weeks, I can't be there for weeks. I have to pay the bills. I can't sit there holding his hand for weeks on end day after day after day. I need to have a home for him to come home to.

The doctors said he has an 8 out of 10 chance of full recovery and talked K into letting them do what they know they can do for him right now. His condition could remain critical for days, weeks, a month, or months or who knows how long you know what I mean? I can't live at the hospital with him and expect life to be put on hold. The bills need to get paid and they aren't going to wait.

Lord, I pray I am making the right decisions so that God forbid if the unthinkable and unspeakable happens I can live with my choices.

I have the support of his family right now but Calvin is the only real comfort as he is the one I am closest too and I barely know the others. I have my sisters who keep calling and texting from Illinois. I have my friend Forbidden Friend who offers support and PS has been very supportive as well, he is the person who brought me home from Oklahoma yesterday. But I want to thank all of you for your support as well, I take all of your words to heart and I consider you another shoulder to lean on. I couldn't do this without you.

IF I don't update it's because I am there, my cell does not pull blogger up however I can access my email and I will if I go back and you can email me at weekendsoff@gmail.com if you have already emailed and I haven't responded it's because I just thought of it as a way to update you so I don't leave you hanging for days again. I don't really use that email often but I won't forget again.

His aunt just called, she just saw him and he is not on a ventilator. She said he's alert and trying to talk but he has a mask on and she told him not to. The doc made it seem to me that they were going to ventilate him so I don't know now if that is happening later today or if that conversation to get him to agree was just in the event it became necessary. Or if he's back to refusing it as he did earlier. She told me she will go back this evening and for now, she suggests I stick to my Friday plan.

He's had a set back, please keep prayers coming

2011-02-16T07:16:00.000-06:00

K is breathing too hard and they found a blood clot in his leg so they are moving him back to the ICU. This has got to be one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Right now he is still awake and talking, etc., so I am not rushing back to Oklahoma and I am going to stick with the plan of going Friday after work. That will change if he gets worse or if they put him back on the ventilator.

Fuck. This is hard. I am so stressed out and I know this isn't about me but damn I am just exhausted and my stomach has been in knots and it just started to seem a bit better so I let my guard down a bit last night and woke up to a whole new stomach knot.

We are uninsured. He had just started that job and I asked if his insurance had started and they said it had not.

I just got home

2011-02-15T17:24:00.000-06:00

First, thank you all for your prayers, support and comments, I read and took them all to heart.
Second, K is a lot better but still in hospital. But has improved a lot so far and now he is out of critical condition. They took him off the ventillator yesterday and took the tube out of his nose last night. Today he was allowed to eat some broth and jello and he was helped to sit up for a few minutes.

He is very weak, but he is aware of what is going on now. It was touch and go and he will still be in the hospital for a while, possibly weeks.

His kidneys are not working at all so they took him off of continuous dialysis and on to 3 days a week. If after 6 months they are still not working they tell me that will be the mark that will say they will never work again. Doctors are not sure yet how extensive the damage to his kidneys was. He is running a fever they can't seem to break not sure if there is a secondary infection happening yet or not. Blood cultures have not grown anything yet so they are watching them to see what happens. His blood pressure is up and down but controlled with meds and not a real concern right now, heart rate is fine and he is breathing fine but kind of heavy so he is getting respiratory treatments and they are watching it.

He is being moved to another floor for his care, he is well enough to be out of the ICU so that is good.
I'm exhausted and I'm gonna hit the shower now and go to bed. Gotta work tomorrow, going to leave for Oklahoma again after work on Friday to spend the night and Saturday with K and then I have to come back for work unless he takes a turn for the worse and I have to go sooner.

He has sent me 4 text messages so far, complaining, but I suppose that's a good thing that he is well enough to complain. He doesn't think they are coming to check on him fast enough when he pushes the call button. He will need to be patient and learn it's not a remote control with instant reactions and that there are other patients too. I'm saying a little extra prayer for the nurses to have patience with him and for him to find more patience, as he is going to be very needy but I'm glad he is alive to BE needy...

Anyway we will talk more later or tomorrow. I'm so tired I can't think.

Love you all,
Weeks

2011-02-09T19:21:00.000-06:00

Sorry I have had a rough couple of days. K was in Oklahoma City waiting
for a new trainer when he fell ill. He was on the road a week with a trainer he
didn't get along with.

He was found in his room in a diabetic coma and taken to the hospital
in Oklahoma City. He was near dead, his organs had began to shut down and his
blood sugar was very high.

Right now he is on a respirator and a ventillator because he can't breath on his
own due to fluid in his lungs. He's also on dialosis because his kidneys are
not working.

I am trying to get to him but the winter storm we just had has made travel
dangerous so I am hoping and praying his brother will deem the roads clear
enough to travel on tomorrow.

I may just lose my mind. I feel so guilty for having sent him out there and
because he was sick and I didn't know he was this sick I just thought it was the
flu so I told him not to come home and got kind of mad at him over it. I don't
know what I will do if he doesn't pull through.

Still no word

2011-02-08T11:23:00.000-06:00

Another quiet day and night. No word from K at all. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. I suppose he could be hiding out at his families house and if that turns out to be the case he can stay there. Permanently. But honestly, I don't think he's there.

I haven't called him but I asked a friend to call and just see if he answered and it just rang and went to voicemail. He tried again this morning and now it's going straight to voice mail.

Perhaps he's lost his phone? Who knows. What I do know is that if he wanted to reach me surely he'd find someone who would let him make a quick call on their phone or he'd find a payphone and call me during work numbers on our toll free line. And I also know if anything had happened to him I'd have already been notified so I'm just gonna sit back and see how long it takes him to call me.

Quiet weekend

2011-02-07T11:21:00.000-06:00

Not quite sure where K is or what he's doing, though. I got another one of his "I can't handle this I'm coming home" text messages. This time saying he was buying his ticket home Sunday night. I texted back that there were quite a few things I couldn't handle anymore either and that he'd find out what they were when he got here. And I wrote that I not only couldn't handle anymore but that I was done with it" and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm curious as to what he's doing but not curious enough to investigate.

Thursday night

2011-02-03T20:54:00.000-06:00

Here I am, home all alone. It's been a rough couple of days for a lot of us hasn't it! I have had to ride to work with my boss the previous 2 days, my truck was stuck on ice in the parking lot here. I managed to slide out today but it was tense boy, I'll tell you. I'm nervous because it's supposed to snow tonight. I'd hate to ask for yet another ride but it's so slippery and I live on an incline I'm sure I'd fall down walking to the bus and end up sliding down the hill on my ass!

K is not home yet. He's stuck at some small ass ranky dank truck stop in Oklahoma and he's got such a bad case of homesickness he's actually sick. As in throwing up sick. But, he's also stuck, the company has pulled their trucks off the road and they can't leave till they get the go-ahead. And he said the dude said he can't run the heat more than a tiny bit and K said it's so cold you can't sleep so he's spending his time in the truck stop sleeping sitting up in the lounge.

He's miserable and it's made worse that this is his first week out so he's not used to anything and everything is as bad as it can be almost. He got a little check, it'll hold him for almost a week if he does it right.

He pretty much knows how I feel about this and he can't be so dumb as to not realize how important it is that he follows through. He needs to look at the whole plan rather than at just the step he's on. He needs miles under his belt in order for that CDL license to mean anything to a future employer and the only way to get them is on the road for 6mos to a year. Then he can get a job that keeps him home.

I'm enjoying my little evening here. I'm cozy and I had grilled chicken and rice for dinner and I'm going to take a long shower and sleep in the middle of the bed. I still don't know what he's going to do, it changes from hour to hour depending on how pitiful he's feeling at the moment so I'm just waiting and seeing and enjoying the alone time while I can.

Ok

2011-02-01T10:55:00.000-06:00

So yeah, he wants to come home. He hates everything. He hates every aspect of his life at the moment. He can find nothing good in anything and refuses to even TRY to find ONE thing to be happy about.

I will tell y'all what. When he does come home he is going to know what depressing is because shit is going to change. I'm sick of him. Sick. Up to my neck sick. I'm sick of biting my tongue so that his feelings will be spared. He thinks home is the fucking place to be well wait till his ass is here.

I can't do it anymore. I can't keep being the beacon of light guiding him through life while he kicks and screams and drags his feet trying to prevent moving forward. I can't be the go-to person for all of his whining. I don't CARE that he loves me so much he can't bear to be parted from me. I don't CARE anymore. I want to breathe and I can't breathe with his fucking hands around my neck strangling the life out of me.

The reason I called the trainer and not him yesterday is because I wanted the truth and I don't trust K to tell me the truth. He's only going to tell me what gets him home. I didn't believe what he said so I checked for myself and found out they'd rather he stay there.

I am pissed that I spent another $50 on him and his hand is only going to be out more since he gets paid on Thursday but because he's been such a big ass titty baby refusing to drive Willie's truck he's only getting paid .22 for however many miles he's driven. Which amounts to nothing really. So he's going to have his begging hand out wanting me to wire even more money.

He isn't even TRYING. He let me go $5K into school debt, not to mention countless expenses for everything up until now and he's not even fucking TRYING.

I want out. I want out so badly I'm ready to just run away and never be heard from again.

Things got sketchy FAST

2011-01-31T14:42:00.000-06:00

So K texts me on Sunday morning at 6AM asking me to wire him $40-50 bucks as he's almost broke. Then he calls me at 8- I was standing in Kroger waiting for the customer service counter to open for Western Union. He said don't send money this mother-fucker reported me to the co-ordinater and I'm getting off his truck. I'm like "what happened" but he didn't want to say as he was sitting with the mother-fucker at the moment. OK.
The jist- the trainer and K arrived at the destination Saturday afternoon. Can't drop their load till Monday so they were going to sit it out at the circle Jay truck stop. K went off to explore the truck stop, shower, watch some TV in the lounge, eat etc. Willie got himself some chicken wings and headed back to his truck. They aren't exactly getting along so K figured he'd hang out as long as he could before going to that truck and he did. Well. Turns out Willie turned K in for 2 things. 1. He almost hit a car while changing lanes. 2. He said he was unable to find K for 8 hours and that he thought K had left or went to do drugs or something. K asked him how hard was it to find a large black man watching TV or in the bathroom. Willie insists he checks there but has no answer for why he didn't just CALL K on his cell other than that it isn't his job to keep tabs on K...which begs the question of why then does it matter you couldn't find him for 8 hours?????

Anyway K said that he's going to get off Willie's truck as soon as they drop the load K is headed back to Oklahoma for a new trainer. K said that there was a shortage of trainers and that he may have to come home and he'd need money for that. I asked money to come home as in "your fired" or as in "until a trainer is available" and he didnt know.

SO. I emailed the recruiter and asked if she knew and she told ME "No, if he has to wait for a trainer we will take care of him. We will put him up in a hotel in OKC on us. His dispatcher probably told him if he wanted to go home to wait for the trainer then yes he would have to pay for that because it is a lot easier for us to get him on the truck in OKC rather than Dallas, so they would prefer he stay there and wait. He definitely would not be fired. It shouldn't take long a all to get him on the truck with another trainer. "

SO I text K and tell him and he's like OH OK. And then a few minutes ago he texts me "Well thanks for making sure I don't get to come home my love, I'm sure u are happy about it. Yay for me I still got a job with CRST!"

That seems awfully sarcastic to me. Thanks for making SURE I don't get to come home??? He's sure I'm happy about it? I emailed him a WTF was that for? And he said he's just happy he still has a job. But I think he's backpeddling and that what he said was meant as a stab at me. I called him but he was all attitude with me so I said I'd talk to him later. I realize he's stressed and really unhappy being with Willie right now so I'm gonna let that shit slide for the most part.

A rare Satuday post :-)

2011-01-29T10:08:00.000-06:00

Hello all! It's been a long time since I've posted on a Saturday. I'm up, wide awake for a few hours now, Son is asleep. I'm trying to be quiet. This keyboard is loud LOL.

Well, I am officially a truckers wife. K called last night from Arkansas on their way to Tennessee. He's almost broke. I sent him with $260 and he's got just over $80 left. He had to pay for his room one night, so hopefully they will reimburse him. I can put money in the checking account after I make enough. He owes them about $50 so I have to include that amount. He's been making good food choices, though. Cereal and juice for breakfast, whatever they gave them for lunch and then the all you can eat soup and salad thing for dinner. He bought a pack of fruit cocktail before they headed out. Poor thing. I'm gonna make all I can tomorrow and see what I can do to add more funds on the card.

Willie is a real "rough it" type of trucker. He has no electrical hook up, no fridge, no tv. K is really roughing it now.

Well I forgot what else I was gonna say so I'll talk to you soon.

It's been...

2011-01-28T14:13:00.000-06:00

It has been a looooonnnnnngggg week. But, K is leaving Oklahoma on his first run, they are headed to Tennessee. His trainer is an old white dude named Willie who off the jump told K that he's not willing to share his bottom bunk. Um. Ok. So, not overly friendly but lets hope for the best.

My son is here, busy filling our evenings by showing me things I need to see, mostly videos and TV shows on something called Adult Swim. It's like a weeklong game of show and tell, me playing the part of the audience. But that's OK. I'll enjoy every bit of what he needs to show me because he is my baby boy and I'm just so happy to see him I'll watch gross stuff.

I'm just catching ya up real quick here so I don't leave you hanging all weekend. I'm OFF tomorrow (woot-woot) and he leaves Sunday morning to go back.

Gotta catch ya up quickly...

2011-01-24T16:00:00.000-06:00

K made it on the bus and to Oklahoma and he has been in orientation since 7AM. I'm sure I'll talk to him again today, but he has already texted 5x and called twice. His roomate is a 19 year old guy who had phone sex with his girlfriend last night. K was tortured hahaha. He said it was really embarrassing to listen to. He coughed a few times AND got up once to use the restroom to give the kid the idea that "hey, you aren't alone in the room" but nothing stopped the sex chat hahaha. Eww.

My son made it yesterday afternoon. I'm in heaven having him home with me. Absolute Heaven!!!

And that's all I know right now.

Sorry this was short. My day has been very very busy!

More tomorrow!!

OMG Sunday can't come soon enough

2011-01-21T10:07:00.000-06:00

People. Friends. Future bail-money donators...Sunday can not come soon enough. We did a "test" pack of his suitcase last night, the mountain of things he's decided he needs is about 3 suitcases worth. He didn't believe me when I told him it wouldn't all fit in that one bag until it was proven. He has the entire contents of the medicine cabinet, plus personal hygene items and then his clothes and his shoes.

No, the man has never left home before or been on his own. Straight from his Momma's house, to his sisters house, to his brothers house to mine. Independent does not describe K.

I have tonight and tonight only to get the apartment ready for my son's visit. K leaves Sunday mid-morning, Son arrives Sunday afternoon/evening.

I'm sorry I gotta cut this short, I just got slammed.

Tick toc tick toc

2011-01-20T11:10:00.000-06:00

K, God knows I love him, but K is getting himself all worked up and has blown this all out of proportion. Seriously. I know it's a big deal for him but he has lost all perspective. He actually told me he's upset because I'm not taking him to the bus on Sunday and that he is sad that his brother's face will be the last one he sees. He's sent off for life insurance and wants me to find a lawyer to draft our wills. He spent all day going through all of his boxes of momentos, gone through all of his random bags, containers, sacks, nooks and crannies looking at his stuff as if it is the last time he will ever see any of it. And no, not like highschool or family mementos. I mean boxes of freebee keychains he gathered, and antennae balls, mardi gras beads etc. He's my little Fred Sanford. Everything he is doing, eating and watching will be according to him the last time he will get x or y ....OK. Now I have been supportive. I've been loving. I've been encouraging. I've been saving all of my bitching and eye rolling about it for this blog and sparing it all on him but OMG if he doesn't find one thing to be positive about soon I am going to snap. The apartment is filled with dred and negative energy.

I need a tiny break from it and I am taking it tonight. I'm sneaking off under the ruse of an employee meeting and having a drink at my friends house and just chilling out for an hour. I need it.

Well, he's all set...

2011-01-19T15:01:00.000-06:00

I took K shopping with me and he picked out the rest of the stuff he felt he needed. Nearly $80. I wasn't expecting that but I will get the money back in my pocket somehow. I'm wondering if I can just move into the parking lot at Denny's and save myself on rent since I will be nearly living there soon. I also picked up a carton of his cigarettes, luckily only $50 at the discount cigarette store. And I gave him $200 for now and I'll give him $50 on Saturday out of my tips but other than that and the $50 in my pocket I am flat ass broke after paying the bills, my boss and the money for K.

Today he is running the gas out of the truck, doing his errands, picking up his ticket in advance, making a run to the school *for something that could have been faxed if he would only ASK* and then out to the DMV in Waxahachie even though I'm fairly certain any DMV could take care of it. Anyway, I guess it's getting done so that's what is important. Not my gas. Nope. I should just shut it.

Gosh I hope this all goes through. I hope at the end of this orientation he is hired and put on a truck. I swear, I may lose my mind if he doesn't get this job and has to turn around and come home 4 days later. This opportunity is costing me a lot of money.

"Last" week at home...

2011-01-17T14:09:00.000-06:00

Honestly, you'd think he was going off to war for years the way he is acting. Which I kindly pointed out to him after having my fill of it last night. He's blowing this whole thing up in his mind and I just had to bring him down a notch. Geesh. He's going to freaking Oklahoma, about 5 hours away. He's not traveling overseas. He's not going to be gone forever. This isn't the last time he's going to be at home.

The weekend was slow. Super slow. We have the addition of 2 more table hogs on the floor so it is a true battle to get a table. I didn't really have that much fight in me but I managed to get the station I wanted so many times they had to seat me because it's the section everyone seems to like. Hee hee hee.

I still didn't make enough, barely made my quota both days. I'll be glad for January to be over. This is usually the slowest month for us.

K has his list ready, his ticket should be ordered for him tomorrow, they are supposed to call him then with the confirmation numbers for it etc.

So that's about it. Not much of an update, I know. I'm sorry. A bit under the weather but I'm not down and out. I think it's just a slight cold, nothing major. I'm taking Waltin-D for the sneezes and congestion and soup for the rest.

No no no

2011-01-14T10:19:00.000-06:00

This is NOT the time for me to be getting sick. I have too much to get done and it's so much harder to push myself at work when I'm not feeling well. I don't need this shit right now. I'm refusing to be sick, damnit. Refusing.

K seemed OK last night, he was quiet but not mopey. I made tacos for dinner with ground turkey and stuffed the tortillas with lots of lettuce, onion and tomato to make them more filling. Then I laid on the sofa for about about an hour and then I gave up and went to bed. I'm was just exhausted, probably from lack of sleep the night before. I slept like a log last night though. Still woke up feeling tired, but that's NOT because I'm getting sick because I refuse to be getting sick, damnit. If my body conspires against me I have my backup Zpac of antibiotics I can take but damn, I'd hate to use them up now and need them later. It's not easy to get your hands on antibiotics without seeing a doctor.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. I'm going to have to be cut throat and take all the tables I can snag for myself. I'm going to have to be on top of my game and catch the door and monitor the floor so that the boss will think we are not busy enough for everyone and start cutting the floor early. As soon as it seems slow enough for me to handle things that's when he starts letting some of the others go.

Oh well. I'm tired, I can't think of anything else to say right now. It's quiet, I think I'm gonna go put my head down for a bit and hope the phone doesn't start ringing.

I'm tired.

2011-01-13T10:19:00.000-06:00

This week has been a really hard one. I didn't sleep well last night at all, I kept waking up every hour or so and having to fall back asleep. I miss my Grandma. I lay in bed with spinning thoughts, thinking of her one minute, trying to guesstimate how I'm gonna make up the truck payment money then next, then thinking about my youngest and how I haven't talked to her in a week and how I need to call her. Then random thoughts of what I'd like to be doing with my Granddaughters, those are fun thoughts I wish I had more of them. PS snuck into my thoughts a few times but nothing sinister hahaha, just random stuff about him and I and the fun times we had back in the day. Boy, we did some cRaZy shit y'all.

Times like this I used to lean on my Angel Grandmother and now that she's gone I really just feel so alone in this world. Her birthday would have been Tuesday. I spent most of that day telling everyone my red nose and sniffles were allergies. She would have been 104. I would have called her and sung Happy Birthday in as terrible of a voice as I could manage to muster up, thrown in a bit of The Star Spangled Banner and a bit of Freddy Fender for good measure mixed in with the Happy Birthday song. You know, that's our family tradition. The worse the song sounds the more you are loved. It started who knows how long ago...I can't recall, but no one can lip sync claiming they can't carry a tune when that's the whole point the way we do it. You don't have to carry a tune, you just have to mangle it as badly as possible. Anyone can do that.

After I got off work last night I went and wandered around Walmart for a bit, I needed some shampoo and the oranges I bought the other day were so good I wanted to get a few more before the bin was picked over. I managed to make the trip last about an hour and then I drug my ass home to face Mr. Sighs. He was pretty quiet all night, normally I'd try to lighten the mood but I just wasn't in the frame of mind to pick him up yet again. I really do have torn feelings but I am convinced that he needs to go and do this and that it will make him grow up a bit. I know it's hard for him, he's leaving home, he's going to be "on his own" and have to handle things but geesh, I can't keep doing everything for him. Half the time I am feeling less like a wife and more like his surrogate mother. Time for my baby bird to leave the next and test his wings and come back as a husband and partner before all I do see him as is one of my kids.

Ok so...

2011-01-12T16:08:00.001-06:00

OK so I read your comments and you're right. $150 isn't enough to eat on. Ok. So. I'll toss in my mad money so he will have $250 but that's the best I can do. He can work with it or he can miss a meal. They feed him lunch for the 4 days orientation and the motel offers a continental breakfast and taco bell is around the corner so those 4 days he can eat cheap. I know I will be skipping a few meals and eating on the cheap myself just to pay for all of this.

Costs for this:
$250 food ($150 is coming out of the truck payment so I will have to make it up in tips the other $100 is my mad money)
$30 duffel bag
$50 carton of cigarettes (still need to purchase)
$5 laundry bags
$5 laundry supplies (still need to purchse)
$10 toiletries (still need to purchase)
$10 flashlight
$10 work gloves (still need to purchase)
$90 clothing

That is $460 bucks folks. Not counting the $90 I had to put into his checking account so they didn't close it. I can only make so much. He wants me to have his watch repaired and a pair of his shoes but that's gonna have to wait. I can't afford it.

My son is coming to visit me this month for a week. I had hoped I'd be able to afford a Saturday off to spend at least 1 whole day with him but I don't think that's gonna happen. Maybe I can get my boss to give me a day off during the week. It would be nice to have one whole solid day. I haven't seen my baby boy in about 5 years now. We talk all the time but to have him in my home under my roof is so exciting for me I am just desperate to get as much time as possible. Maybe I can borrow Forbidden Friends computer and he can come sit at Denny's with the free WI-FI on one of those afternoons. I can pick him up on my break so he isn't there all day and the computer would give him something to do. He loves coffee. He can drink his fill.

OK well I forgot whatever else it was that I was gonna say...I'm feeling stressed just writing all of that down so I need to go surf for kittens and puppies or something to take my mind off this stuff.

Either way, he's on the bus on the 23 headed to Oklahoma. Oh that's what it was I was gonna tell you. He had to chose between me taking him on for the 6:15am bus or getting his brother to take him for the 12:20 bus. I can't afford to miss any work so it was one or the other. Since he has to arrive an hour early he chose to have his brother take him but you should have heard the attitude he chose it with. Complete with deep sighs and that bothersome "I GUESS I'll blah blah blah". Jesus Christ. If nothing else I am looking forward to a break in his attitude. I need a break from his problems and his needs. I need some time that is just me. I really don't want to go home tonight and deal with it. I really don't.

Before I forget...
Joker, keep everything crossed!
Anon &Mindy- You're right and Will do!
Nicole, PS stands for Potential Sancho...my nickname for a guy I've known since '92. We used to hook up on the sly and basically he's back around, taking me to lunch and flirting terribly with me. I know, I know. But a girls gotta eat and flirting isn't cheating. And I plead the 5th on any other questions! I kid, I kid.
Miss M, I thought of trashbags, but he was too embarrassed to go that route and I give in too easily. I plan to use one to put his bedding for the truck in so that one had to be good enough not to tear, so I was going to get one and ended up with 2 in the cart. Ugh. I suck. I also considered thrift stores, but he's not your average size guy and there are just super slim pickings in the 4X size he requires. So I had to order his coveralls from King Size Direct, the only ones I could find that I could afford.
Rob, you kinda made my whole day here, I'm all giggly and flattered and well, thank you for that because it made my day and my day hasn't been made in a good while!
KBear, my dear cyber daughter, kisses....I hoped he'd get one of those companies that does that but the recruiter told me that all meals and hotels and stuff comes out of their own pocket so he doesn't get that allowance. I hoped. Oh God did I hope.

Oh my it was a long weekend...

2011-01-10T15:24:00.001-06:00

The weekend went by in such a blur I didn't see or think about anything except Denny's. Including at night in my sleep. I hate dreaming I'm waiting tables after I've spent the whole day working too. It was kinda slow this weekend, Saturday who knows why, Sunday because of the weather. We (me and a few co-workers) took a break and had a snowball fight during the middle of it all, that was fun! Then we made a surplus of snowballs and hid them in a chair outside and blasted our other co-workers with them as they were leaving early due to no business. Fun times :-)

I didn't really make what I needed to make but I'm still figuring things out. I have the duffel bag purchased, bought him new underware (dear Lord you should have seen the condition of the old) and 2 laundry bags to go with him. I need to buy him at least 1 set of coveralls (required for the job), a flashlight, work gloves and a truckers atlas and 1 carton of cigarettes ( I know, I know, but seriously, who are we kidding? He's not quitting and starting a new job is the last place he needs to start going through nicotine withdrawels. I need him to KEEP this job kwim?) and money for his food. According to PS, truckers and their co-drivers get free showers at the truck stops when they gas up so I don't need to send money for that. I need to send enough money for 11 days worth of food. I'm thinking $150? He may have some luggage fees etc to pay for so I am trying to include a few extra bucks for that.

I talked to my manager and asked him to help me out with some extra hours and he said he will get some for me. Any little bit helps. The hard part isn't making the money to pay our bills, it's all of this EXTRA money I have to dig deep for...that's the hard part. And Forbidden Friend has offered to loan it to me and so has PS but I just can't take it because I can't pay it back right now and I feel like I owe enough money out already, I still owe Forbidden Friend $600 and the boss just under $5K and I can't afford to make any more loan payments to anyone no matter how much I need the money. I don't sleep well at night owing money.

I do have $110 in mad money. I was saving it to celebrate with once his ass was on the road. My plans included a mani-pedi, curtains for the livingroom and bedroom (essentially 2 windows), some of that lipstick/stain, and I toyed with the idea of a layaway at Marshalls, stuff for the apartment and some new clothes...I haven't officially given up on the idea of any of it but I may toss the mad money into the pot, stir and see what comes out of it. If it ends up being all I need to make the amount needed I'll throw it in. SIGH.

I read all of your comments, you all made my day, really. Your support and caring and OMG when you suggested selling his shoes I had to laugh because I made him sell all but 4 pairs last May when he did it again. I haven't seen another pair since. I WISH he had some shoes to sell though, I can't believe anyone buys used shoes off Ebay but damn they sure as hell do. Eww. Used shoes.

As for why I stay with him, I dunno. I am asking myself that sometimes too. I guess I'm fed up to my neck but not my ears yet? I'd be lying if the idea hasn't crossed my mind, being single seems so much easier. But then there are those darned feelings I still have, you know, that yucky love stuff, those feelings I have that keep me hoping that this is just a bad spot in our marriage and that he's gonna open his eyes, shut his pie hole, drop the weight and go to work, contribute and be an even better man than the one I married.

OK. On to the next job "opportunity"

2011-01-06T15:13:00.000-06:00

As usual, I took the bull by the horns on his behalf and after posting yesterday I called the school and basically asked them to place him somewhere else as this Stevens Transport was utter bullshit. Lucky for me, the recruiter at the school have gotten to know each other a little bit and so she got right on it and got him placed at CRST. She gave me the recruiter at CRST info after getting K through the door, and essentially I am to contact CRST recruiter as soon as K is ready to go to orientation.

This will take a bit of wrangling for me as the orientation is in Oklahoma City, and so he will need to travel there and basically leave on the road from there as well so he has to be ready. I have purchases to make, duffel bag, toiletries, do-dads and thingamajigs. They pay for his lodging and bus ticket. So I need to get money together for his meals and then for 1 weeks worth of meals, showers, lodging if needed on the road until he gets his first paycheck.

Obviously, it all ain't gonna happen this week so I will have to dig down to the roots of the money tree I have growing out of my ass and find the money to pay for all of that.

Whiney baby isn't happy that they aren't based in Dallas. Whiney baby, is worried about how he will get home on his off days. Whiney baby is worried he will only get a few days off and if the truck isn't in Dallas how will he get home for those few days off because BOO HOO if he has to take a bus home it will eat into his time off and BOO HOO he may as well just stay wherever he ends up finishing his training and get a room wahhhhhh sniff boo hoo.... Blech. If I had been sitting on my ass not bringing in a dime since August 13 the very last thing I would be concerning myself with would be fucking DAYS OFF at HOME. But that's just me, you know, the adult in this relationship.

The pros- unless the recruiter is lying or doesn't have correct info or our bad luck comes into play,
the DOT approved physical they gave him and he passed at the school will suffice so he won't be required to take another physical during orientation.

For K it's a pro for me, eh. not so much. There is an option to drive and be out 20 days and home 10. Me, I want his ass gone as much as possible.

It's all team driving, no solo. Good so he won't be calling me starved for human companionship. Not to mention he might just make a friend.

They said they'd make sure his co-driver lives within 200 miles from us so they both get home easily. To K, it's not ideal unless the dude is our next door fucking neighbor but oh well. To me, 200 miles is do-able. So if he has to take a fucking bus home or whatever how bad could that be?

Anyway, that's all I really know right now. I've got a lot of money to come up with and the sooner I come up with it the sooner I can get his ass on the road and off of my fucking sofa so you know I will be working the skin off my bones until I get what needs getting.

No job.

2011-01-05T14:54:00.001-06:00

They told him to bring $750 with him tomorrow to pay for the sleep apnea test. We do not have $750 to pay for a CHANCE of a job seeing as how if he DOES have sleep apena he may not be hired. So. No. Job.

Fuck you Stevens Transport.

I just don't get it

2011-01-05T12:36:00.001-06:00

All of the truckers who are not on medical hold are leaving out tomorrow. All of the truckers who are on medical hold are stuck in limbo. There are 8 including K that are dangling. K called and they told him he will see the doctor tomorrow. So that means he won't be leaving out like the rest of the guys that started orientation and were not placed on medical hold. There are things they are doing during orientation, basically practicing their driving skills that these medical hold guys aren't allowed to do until they are released and so basically they sit there watching the others. And if he is released he will still need to go do all of that driving practice so that is basically doing half of orientation all over. So WHY does he have to sit there until 10pm watching? I just don't get it. Why have him fill out allll the paperwork, direct deposit, insurance, w-9. Why assign him a gas card and a company ID. Why have him go through allll of this bullshit if it all hinges on this God forsaken medical hold being released? Why not just have him take care of THAT and see if the other bullshit is even necessary???

Fuck. Why can't anything be easy for a change? Can we not manage just one fucking thing without a dozen or more hoops to jump through? It would just be so nice for this to work out but I am not holding my breath at all. I am expecting it to all be for nothing, for his medical hold to stick and for him to fail the test and not get the job. Because hoping for the best is just too much of a stretch for me.

It's becoming very hard for me to keep positive when it has anything to do with K. Almost impossible. And, it's really hard for me not to be pissed off at him because NONE of this bullshit would be happening if he hadn't let his body go to shit. None of it. This medical hold has to do with him being FAT and nothing more. If he had done what he said back in August, if he had dedicated himself to exercising every day, he would have lost who knows how much weight by now. Did he? Hell fucking NO. He sat on his ass day in and day out with his fucking woe is me attitude and didn't do what he said he was going to do. Which has become his way. Which has caused him to feel like nothing but a burden to me.

Things are so different from when we got married. Before we were married he cared how he looked. He played basketball, he tried to keep himself up. He went to the barber, he shaved, he wouldn't be seen out in public unless he looked his best. He was going to school. He had plans for his life. I don't know what happened but it all went to shit when we said I Do.

ETA: I forgot you asked about my back. It's fine now, I'm taking care of how I do things, but I am back to my old self thankfully!

Still waiting...

2011-01-05T09:56:00.000-06:00

Well we still don't know anything. He's half-hired half-not. They didn't do the sleep apnea test yesterday but he was told by his councelor they should probably do it today and if he hasn't heard from "them" by Thursday to contact her. He is on medical hold until he is tested. They went over half of his application today, he has to speak to a manager about the other half. Whatever that means I dunno. K isn't very clear about anything.

They've had him fill out W-9, sign up for insurance, they have assigned him his driver number but he can't go any further without being cleared medically and getting the official HIRE. UGH. Who the fuck set this system up? It is the most ass-backwards hiring process I have ever seen, heard of or experienced in my life. He's been up in that joint from 6am-10pm all week long basically doing nothing except stand in different lines and listen to different tidbits of information about their company and they haven't even freaking hired him yet.

So frustrating. He keeps calling me to tell me he doesn't know anything yet. Everytime the phone rings my stomach drops.

ACK!

2011-01-04T12:39:00.001-06:00

It seems like all I do is worry anymore! It's just one thing after another with this CDL/ Trucking stuff and I'm about at my wits end with all of the little tidbit issues. Today it is a sleep apnea test. K started orientation yesterday and part of that was a physical and they told him they wanted him to take this test today. He doesn't know if he will have the job if he does have sleep apnea. On one hand, he'll be getting the test for free and if he does have it it's good to know because it can be a serious condition....on the other hand if he does have it he might not have the job so...if you bring up my 3rd hand...I've been worried he's had sleep apnea for a while because of how loudly he snores and gasps for air in his sleep. So. Let's hope it all works out but if not I am back to almost square one.

UGH. UGH. UGH. I am going to buy stock in Miss Clairol due to all of the grey hairs this stress is bringing on me.

I really need him to get working. On the road. I'm riding his ass as hard as I can, getting him to buck up and do what needs to be done. He's lost 30 pounds and I tell you, I can't even tell as he has so much to lose but I didn't tell HIM that. I congratulated him over and over but on other subjects I have become a bit bitchy with him, I've tried nice and it didn't work. So yesterday when he talked about losing weight and hoping his weight didn't hold up the job, I pointed out how much weight he COULD have lost had he done what he said when he lost his job in August which was walk for at least 30 minutes each day. Yes. I suppose that was more than just a bit bitchy. I felt bad and I sugar coated it as much as I could but still, I think, I hope I got my point across.

**Rapid subject change**

My schedule has changed at Denny's. I was informed that I will no longer be 5am-6pm- trust me when I say I have never actually shown up at 5am, but I was scheduled it. It is now going to be 8am-9pm. All freaking day. SIGH. Hopefully I'll make lots of money!

**Rapid subject change**

I had a looooong chat with my youngest yesterday. My son clued me in that she felt sensitive to the fact that I didn't write her a letter years ago like I wrote my middle daughter, you remember, when I found them. So her feelings have been hurt and she didn't think I really wanted her too. It bothered me because I feel as though she has really spent years rebuffing me, dolling out her responses to me but ignoring most when if she'd have just given me a chance we'd be OK by now. Anyway, I want to do whatever it will take to make her feel good about us so I've been paying extra extra attention to her and yesterday she was just eating it up. :-)

OK well I've gotta hop off her, boss just offered to take me to luch so I'll holla at you later!

At work...

2010-12-27T14:09:00.000-06:00

I came into work today thinking I could make it but I don't know. 3 hours to go and my back is killing me. It's my lower back which I injured years ago that I have bothered and it's making me pay. Sending shooting pains through my hips and down my legs. Ugh. Oh what I wouldn't do for a gentle massage right now. That'll have to wait till I get home.

I did make a turkey dinner on Friday. That was about the only holiday thing I did. We called it Thanksmas Dinner since I didn't make Thanksgiving Dinner this year. I managed to put together my turkey croquettes last night, the mixture is in the fridge chilling. Waiting for me to come home and fry them up. Don't know how I will manage to stand that long but I want them bad enough to figure something out.

I could barely stand long enough to make a few copies today so we'll see. I need my turkey croquettes. Yes, I said need. I neeeeeeeed them.

I can't think of much else to say and I don't want to be a whiner so I'm gonna go now ..

QUICKIE

2010-12-26T16:22:00.000-06:00

Merry day after Christmas? Didn't celebrate this year at all since I was stuck at work alllllll day 7am-10pm. K went to visit his family for the day. I mailed money to the kids- that's what they asked for, shipped toys and a Christmas tree to the Grand kids and that was pretty much it for us. It doesn't really feel like Christmas without my Grandma. I didn't even mail out Christmas cards this year. Nothing. Not even a single decoration.

I had to leave work early today, in too much pain. Threw my back out lifting a tray yesterday and it feels worse today I can hardly stand up. Just checking in real quick to say HI and all, I can't sit very long.

On the job front, K had an interview and has orientation for Stevens Transport in January...that means a job right? He said they weren't very clear but we think orientation = job. Hope we are thinking right!

Buffalo Chicken Dip Recipe AKA the "new" CRACK---

2010-12-23T12:48:00.000-06:00

Oh my Lord is this ever good.

5 boneless/skinless chicken breasts, cooked and broken into bite-sized pieces (shred it by hand).

1 cup hot sauce (Frank's Red Hot)
1 cup blue cheese dressing
1 brick cream cheese (8 oz)
1 8oz package of shredded Taco/Mexican cheese
Fritos Corn Chip scoops (either 1 large or 2 small bags)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In a large saucepan, melt the cream cheese on a low flame. Mix in the blue cheese dressing.
3. Continue to stir, adding the hot sauce.
4. Add the cooked chicken, and stir until the meat is thoroughly soaked in the dressing.
5. Pour mixture into a 13x9" baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes or until hot and bubbly
6. Remove from oven and top with shredded cheese. Serve with Fritos once the cheese has melted.

Don't eat the whole pan by yourself and if you do..don't blame me the next morning!!!

He PASSED!

2010-12-17T12:39:00.000-06:00

With a score of 82, he passed the driving test! So, K officially has his class A CDL license! He graduates from the program today. Now, on to the last hurdle...finding a job.

I think he's coming to accept the fact that he will be on the road and away from home. It's not easy for him, but his references to it aren't dripping with "woe is me" . He seems to be resigning himself to his fate and accepting it. It'll be OK, he just has to grow up a bit, it's hard for everyone but most of us go through that at a lot younger age. He's never been "on his own" and this will be the closest to it as he will get, most likely.

He was laughing today, some lot lizard was hanging out at the school parking lot and he got a glimpse of her and wondered just who in the hell would pay her for anything? Said she was dirty and toothless and was wearing a shirt that practically had her boobs hanging out. Dirty, unwashed and strung out. I wonder, who does pay for that nasty? I can't imagine even getting a blow job from something like that...not that I imagine getting blow jobs that often...but still. I guess someone does pay for her, she's out there for a reason.

Anywho. Nothing really new to add. Just that he passed and now we are on the "getting hired" part. You know, the one that worried me the most.

I managed to pay almost all the bills so far. I need $150 more for the truck and $100 more for my boss. I don't know if I can do it but I'll do my damndest. I have the truck payment, the $150 is part I owe for the TTL that he's letting me also make payments on. If I can't swing it by then I'll pay him on the 1st which sould only be a day later.

Fingers crossed for us, right?

OK. TTFN!

It's COLD outside!

2010-12-13T07:38:00.000-06:00

Brrrrrrr. I'm shivering in spots I forgot I had! I swear, years and years and years ago when I moved to Texas I was just positive it was South enough that I'd never be cold again. Of course I was wrong, proof positive that I absolutely SUCK at geography. Oh what I'd do for a mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows right now. I'm sitting in my office trying to warm the place up- some fool *GARY* left the air conditioning on all weekend long. I want to kick him hard.

Today starts K's last week of training. He will hopefully pass the driving portion easily, his instructor said he was the best in the class at the actual driving part so I have high hopes for him. I really want him to succeed with this, he needs an ego boost or something to bump him up a bit.

I spent the weekend at Denny's. I worked 8am-9:30pm on Saturday because 1 shift wasn't enough to make my money. A nearby Denny's closed and we were forced to take on some of their servers and so there are too many of us on the floor now. Hopefully we will weed through the worse of the servers we have now and be left with nothing but strong servers.

I gotta kinda brag on myself a bit, after I got everyone cut, the floor was mine and G's. G ended up not feeling well and so she went home 2 hours early giving me the floor to myself which I love love love. The swing manager came in at 4 and I was just kicking into busy *kids eat free after 4 on Sat & Tues* so anyway she sat the door a couple of times but I was watching her and as she would come around the corner to help me by getting drinks I was there ready to make the drinks myself. I appreciate the help from her, but I didn't want any help I wanted to do it and I did. I had a full restaurant and managed it all, including running all of my food and pre-bussing and all she had to do for me was seat a few customers and cash a few others out. She was impressed and let me know it, the pat on the back felt great LOL. She got a lot of compliments on me too, and kept coming up to me telling me what the people said. Mostly that they were impressed that I handled it all on my own and how good my service was. Manager said that a lot of servers talk about wanting the floor on their own but not many can actually handle it.
OK. Done with my back patting LOL..

Sunday was another over staffed day. I didn't make my money but I got damn close. I was too tired to fight for a double shift so I just took what I made and went home at the end of my shift. Well, actually, I went to the grocery store at the end of my shift, then to Sonic (I needed a burrito) and then home. I was dead tired, as beat as beat could be. I found that K had done the laundry, including folding (which I hate) and all was neatly tucked into the laundry baskets so it could be put away. And he did the dishes and offered to run me a hot bath or shower whichever I wanted. I definately took him up on that and when I got out of the shower he had my blanket and pajamas ready. I snuggled down on the sofa and he gave me a foot rub and then as he got up to play on the computer I passed out on the sofa. With the TV and the lights on. Which never happens. I need it dark and quiet when I sleep but I was just that dog tired it didn't matter. I could have fallen asleep anywhere LOL.

Ok well, I'd better get to work I have a lot of clearing out to do. Boss wants me to straighten out the office and throw away a bunch of old crap. All of a sudden after almost 10 years he's ready to purge.

Big ass baby

2010-12-07T09:06:00.000-06:00

Ugh. OK so now he's all depressed and sad and in near tears because the job at Stevens Transport will keep him on the road for 3-4 weeks at a time. He'll earn 1 day off for every week or something like that. He hasn't really spoken except to say things like "well you won't have to buy me anything special at the store since I won't be here". When he picked me up from work last night he looked like he was about to cry. We got home and I grabbed some money, said I was going to the store and he made a beeline to the restroom with tears in his eyes. He knows he had better not freaking cry over this shit in front of me. I may sound like a cruel harpy but in my mind men do not cry unless someone has died or they are in extreme "my leg is broken in 10 places" pain. I don't do men crying. Suck it up buttercup.

I feel a little bad, but I'm not acting any differently. I reminded him that it's not forever, it's a training period. Once he gets some experience he can change to another company. He just needs road experience. It's not the end of the world but it may as well be the end of his.

The only worry I have, honestly, is how much money he will actually have left of his check for food and showers and shit once his child support and student loan payments (for a previous college attempt) are taken out. I know the company covers the gas and shit but that's my only worry. I don't want him hungry and cold and unshowered because he doesn't have anything...

Yeah I know, there I go enabling again.

Well I can't change my spots overnight.

AND so he passes!!

2010-12-06T15:54:00.000-06:00

1st- real quick, Anon, yep lumps. Like in pancake batter. Or gravy...it was weird!!!

2nd. He freaking passed. Finally!! Finally!!! My friends are all very glad they aren't having to come up with bail money, they were already organizing the visitation schedule for me hahha.

Now. Just gotta get him through the driving part and that sketchy part of finding a job. He goes back to classes on Monday. Sucks as he will be sitting on my sofa eating bonbons and watching TV for a whole week but it is what it is. The lady at the school told me the instructor said he doesn't have any worries about him passing the driving portion and mentioned that K was actually the best in the class when it came to that so whatever that means he's not worried so I guess I won't be.

He has a pre-hire offer from Stevens Transport. The ONLY pre-hire offer thanks to his felony but it's a job offer and he sure as hell hasn't had many of those at all. Of course, Mr. Princess doesn't want to work for them, he's decided they aren't a good company for some reason. I swear I will drag him kicking and screaming to that interview. I swear to you. I don't give a rats ass if he likes them or not. If he wants to live he will apply for that job and fucking like it or I will probably need that bail money. I'll be DAMNED if I paid all this money for him to get a job with Fed Ex or some shit like that. I need his ass on the road. The only thing that will even save this marriage is his ass on a truck and away from me for atleast 5 days per week.

I'll cross that bridge as I get to it though.

The weekend

2010-12-06T09:43:00.001-06:00

OK so guess who has a cold? Yup me. UGH. I hate colds. And I hate having to work with a cold. I hit up the Walmart pharmacy (for the good stuff behind the counter) and told the pharmacist my symptoms and he basically sent me away telling me to sleep it off, drink fluids and OD on Vitamin C. He had no mercy for a woman who was sneezing every 2 minutes and who needed to work the next morning. Sleep it off. HA. As if I had that luxury. So, Saturday morning I hit up the Walgreens pharmacist, told her my symptoms and she hooked me up with their store brand Claratin D. Worked like a charm! I didn't sneeze once all day or night after I took it. It got me through my entire shift on Saturday and on Sunday. Yay!

Saturday, I did pretty good. $130 in tips. Sunday I did even better....I walked out with $199 in tips. I was a rock star waitress on Sunday. Everyone got cut off the floor and no one would volunteer to stay late with me (the girl who usually is scheduled was off sick) and so I said "that's fine I can do this alone I don't need anyone to stay" and the boss said "OK remember no complaints" ---he means from customers he doesn't give a damn if I have complaints hahahah-

Anyway full house and I raked in the money and no one had any complaints at all.

Of course K has no clue how much I made, I didn't tell him at all. If things were normal I'd have gone home bragging and wanting high-fives. Instead I got my high-five over text from PS. Shit I had to brag to someone right!! HA. And it wasn't even a double shift, just my regular shift hours.

Anyway boss has just popped in here twice so I'd better not let him catch me a 3rd time goofing off before I've done any work. I'm gonna go. I'll let you know about Mr. Last Chance today after he calls me to tell me he's failed again as I am just going to expect at this point.

Oh and Suzy, yep I kinda did that. I asked him what his next move was, Burger King or Whataburger.

Oh. No. Wait I gotta tell you this real quick- I had the craziest fucking dream last night. I had a pet cat and a pet mouse and I was loving up on their little furry faces, and somehow we all ended up in the bathtub where I was using a fork to strain the lumps out of the bubble bath - and I kept the mouse on my shoulder so he wouldn't drown. As I was straining the lumps the tub was filling and then I looked to my side and my kitty was under the water drowning. I grabbed him, performed kitty CPR and saved him, he purred and then I woke up.

What the hell was THAT all about????

JESUS F'ng CHRIST HE FAILED THE TEST AGAIN.

2010-12-03T14:50:00.000-06:00

I can't even begin to think of enough swear words to adequately express my extreme displeasure and dislike of this man and this mother fucking test right now.

Still testing.

2010-12-03T09:04:00.000-06:00

Well, he failed again on Monday morning. I then called the school and talked to the lady I always talk to and asked her to take him off the class schedule until he passes. She agreed, as it is he missed so much practice driving time I'm sure he would fail the driving test the rest of his class is taking today. The instructor asked him what he thought he needed to do and K said he felt that taking one test each day would be better for him. Also, I asked her and she said he could take them anywhere so he's taking them in Garland where they have the computers he can use rather than the paper test. So. I paid the fees AGAIN on Tuesday and he passed a test each day until Thursday when he took 2 and failed the 2nd so he has to go out there and do that one today. SIGH. Gas. Each way. $10 every day. I told him yesterday "there is just no way I am getting out of this without spending the most amount of money is there?" So he pouted the rest of the day and I let him. There are thousands of truckers on the roads these days how freaking hard can that test be? Seriously. Anyway today is his 2nd chance, he gets one more besides this to pass before I have to pay again and he has to re-take them all. Dear Lord please let him pass this time.

He has been complaining that all we've had to eat is cheap, hinting at how much he'd like chicken and rice etc...I told him I wasn't spending more than a dime on food until he passes these tests as I had no idea how many times I'd have to pay. He asked me last time I went to the store where his orange juice and soda was...I handed him the Koolaid packets and told him to pretend the orange one was juice. I am not going to work my fingers to the bone to buy him $6 gallon jugs of orange juice just so he can keep failing tests and milking me out of every cent I bring in. I will pay for one vice, that's his cigarettes but he has to go get them himself and if he doesn't move his ass to get them before the discount place closes he is outta luck because I give him exactly $5.51 and not a penny more and they are almost $8 everywhere else.

I'm just tired. I've made his life too easy and in return he has just had his hand out further. I'm starting to tighten my pockets and think about what I need to do for myself.

On the fun side of things, unless these sniffles and sneezes get worse, PS and I have a lunch date planned. I've warned him I think I'm coming down with a cold and so far he's willing to risk seeing me but if I get worse we will re-schedule. No need for him to get sick just to see me for an hour and the man has work he cannot miss. Honestly, I kinda want to skip it. I can't see the point in him risking catching my cold just to see me.

So here we go again

2010-11-29T07:10:00.000-06:00

Idiot has one last chance to pass the one test he can't seem to get past before having to pay to retake alllll of the tests again. Shall we place bets? Who here bets he won't pass? Besides me of course. Because I have all but given up on him passing anything at this point. I wasn't home to monitor his study time so I can only half believe him when he tells me he studied. I don't really even half believe him. I pretty much don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth unless he's telling me he's hungry at this point it's all hot air and his words are worthless to me.

Anyway...

Thanksgiving was much busier than I imagined it would be, considering the past Thanksgivings I have worked. It started off slow till I got almost everyone cut off the floor and then I got busy :-). The most fun was a party of 22 that came in. When I walked up to the table and introduced myself as their server one of the women looked at me and said "only ONE of you?" and I just told her not to worry I got you. And I did. I got them all taken care of with only a slight bit of help, Donna made 4 hot cocoas for me and I could have done that but it was easier for me for her to help and she said she didn't mind. The cocoa machine is realllllllllllllllllly slow. I made good money that day and needed it for the truck payment.

Black Friday was another story all together. Typically it is a day as busy as a weekend, you're slammed. He overstaffed that day to make sure we had it covered and ended up sending almost everyone home. Barely a soul came through the doors but after he cut the floor down I managed to squeak out the money I needed to make the last bit of the truck payment.

Saturday. UGH. Campers. I hate campers. And I drew a great station, it wasn't very busy though and the campers really hurt my bottom line. 2 tables of them at that. One were two elderly sisters who come in every weekend and sit for an hour before they order their 2 pancakes each and then sit for another hour trying to see who can eat the slowest. The other 2 were also sisters, ironically. I served them quickly, they sucked down their food and then the dreaded words came forth from the one ladies mouth. "We're just gonna sit here and catch up for a bit, we haven't seen each other in a long time and we're gonna discuss the holidays". FOUR hours and later, after alllll of the rush had passed, they vacated my ONLY booth and thanked me with a five dollar bill. I so wanted to tell her to stuff it down her throat but seeing as how I only had $14 at that point and half my shift was over I took it. They cost me at least $40. I hope they grow hemerroids and die. In order to make the money I needed to make I ended up begging to work a double shift and spending an hour calling everyone asking if I could work for them. I got off at 11pm that night and barely had my hundred bucks.

Sunday was a normal day, I was really tired but I got in and out on time and made my hundred bucks plus a bit extra. Got off work, hit up Kroger for lunch meat, hit up Walmart for a few other things and was home by 7:30PM. Hit the showers, put on my pj's, ate a brownie and took my tired butt to bed.

And here we are today...I wonder what this week will bring me. Hopefully good news.

TTFN!

Sigh...

2010-11-24T09:03:00.000-06:00

Well he failed again on Monday. I guess he truly is an idiot because only an idiot would fail this many times. I had to fork over another $57 for the tests yesterday to buy him 3 more chances. He failed again yesterday too so he is back at the DMV again right now taking them again.

I'm feeling mighty fed up today. Mighty fed up. Like so fed up I could just barf. I'm feeling tired and taken advantage of. I'm feeling depressed and stressed and most of all I'm feeling like I really don't want to be married and tied down to this burden of a man anymore.

He offers me nothing. At this point he adds nothing to my life that is good or that I want.

And that is where I am right now. Yes. I realize I just took on a loan to get his ass through school. I also just found out he spent $40 bucks on Zynga games last month. Not a huge sum of money but for some reason it has opened my eyes to the reality that he really doesn't give a damn how hard I work or what I do without so long as his whims are satisfied. I bet you he didn't think for one instance to put that $40 bucks towards his cigarette habit. Or towards the grocery bill. I don't even know how he got ahold of $40 to spend as I have been giving him nickles and dimes with the exception of gas money. Did he skim from the gas money? I don't know but it makes me sick and he and I are going to have it out tonight big time.

Well here we go!

2010-11-22T06:31:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday everyone! Today is his last chance to take the test. He studied all weekend until I went to bed then I don't know what he did. The school linked him with some on-line practice tests and gave him that study guide and on line he is passing the tests so everyone PUHLEEZE cross your fingers, toes and anything else you can spare for us!!! I think he'll do it this time.

They started learning to back up and parallel park this weekend in the trucks. Hahaha, he said that there are 2 other "big guys" like him in the class, 2 regular sized guys and 1 string bean of a man and the trainer had them allllll sitting in the truck while the first guy took his turn. Can you imagine all those bodies squeezed into a truck hahahaa???? When it was time to switch he said they all came piling out and told the trainer they'd just stand over to the side out of the way. What was that trainer dude thinking hahahaha?

K is getting exercise whether he likes it or not. They have to go from class to the lot several times a day and he said it's about a football field in size so he's crossing it back and forth and back and forth. I almost want to laugh and say "I told you to exercise, if you'd listened to me you wouldn't be having these problems" but I didn't. It would be so satisfying though. The big "I told you so" is so tempting. I fight it often because in past relationships I've been that way and I actually had one guy break up with me because not only did I "tell him so" but apparently I was always right so that really got under his skin.

I did pretty good this weekend. Saturday I made $115 and Sunday $158~ the most ever! I am working 8a-6p on Thanksgiving and 7a-6p on black Friday.

OK that was my little update, I'm gonna go hit the office sofa with my face for a while before anyone else comes in.

Here's all I know about it...

2010-11-19T13:07:00.001-06:00

I researched this school to the best of my ability, they are a well known name from what I can tell, speaking with other truckers I know etc and from the internet research I could dig up. Even the BBB...He has 2 pre-hire offers so far with 2 well known trucking companies. One of the phone calls actually came to my cell phone by mistake and the other he got on his phone.

He has to retake the two tests again on Monday and they are giving him an additional study guide and he is going to one of his classmates houses tonight right after class and they are going to study together and quiz each other. If he fails he has to pay the DPS to retake all 5 tests again ($70). He's passed enough that the DPS has given him a temporary permit and cut up his regular license.

He has approx 3 weeks of class, 7 days a week 7am-5:30 pm. They start actually operating the trucks this weekend. He will have one evening class per week but I don't know what those hours are. Then he will go to the 2nd stage of training which is on an actual truck with a trainer for I forget how many driving hours before he gets assigned his own truck. From what I remember from the last man I put through truck driving school (yeah you read that right I've done this before LOL and it was all the same for Bernard as it has been with K except Bernard had to go away to class) it was about 5 months and during this time he's earning a training wage that's about $400 a week.

RE: the loan. Well the only way I'm actually paying this $300 a month myself is if K ends up disappearing on me cuz otherwise it will come out of whatever "joint" funds we have once he starts earning. If the worst case senario happens and it falls squarely on my shoulders, well, I can pay it. It would mean I'd have to keep my part time job but I can pay it otherwise I'd never have agreed. It's $300 because I don't want to owe it forever, it's the most I knew I could afford and it's more than what the minimum payment would be and the boss doesn't want it on his credit card any longer than it has to be.

Ugh..ya'll got me all nervous and anxious again LOL...I just have to have faith. I've done the best I can to investigate, hours of internet searches, BBB, asking other truck drivers I know. I'd imagine I'd have run across something bad about the school at some point and all I can pull up is good, 35 years of training students...one of the Illinois school locations was listed as one of the top driving schools...that kind of thing. So we may be made a fool of, but I'm hoping not. I searched everything I can think of plus things my boss thought of and nothing bad came up.

So... let's hope for the best because I really need this to work out, I really need at least 1 of my plans to actually work out for me.

K is more excited about all of this than I actually thought he would be. All he talks about is class, and trucking and what they are learning. I haven't seen him so eager, honestly, like ever and it makes me excited for him. It's as if he can't wait to get out of class and start training on a truck and here I thought I was going to have to drag his ass there.

Ok well I've gotta get back to work now I've got 3 orders sitting here staring at me!

Oh I forgot to mention, most ( can't say all as I don't know that for sure) of the companies reimburse the guys for the cost of this education. One of the pre-hire offers he got pays $150 a month and the other $100 towards paying the student debt.

Guess it was no deal...

2010-11-17T13:33:00.000-06:00

Looks like I can keep my debts, continue being mean to people when I'm annoyed, keep walking/running past the bell ringers and I don't have to clean my room. I was unable to co-sign as I don't make enough money and so we ended up needing a 2nd co-signer. And there was no 2nd co-signer in sight either. His sister doesn't work, his brother Baron is out of work and just had a repo and his brother Calvin isn't working either and he has student loans.

SO. I went begging. I actually got a loan from my boss to pay for the school. I will be paying $300 minimum each month till it's off his credit card...ugh. But...HIS ASS IS IN CLASS and that is alllllll that matters to me at this point. Because the next step is for his ass to be on a truck and off of my sofa.

K took the written CDL test today and passed 3 of the 5 tests. Having 2 chances left, he takes the failed tests again on Friday. PS gave me a link to a website that has the CDL practice tests and answers so I will find a way to put that under K's nose somehow so he can use it to study with along with his books. To his credit, he's the only one in class that passed 3 of the 5 so that's good! I'm confident he will pass. He'd have to be a complete idiot to fail it 3 times.

Anywhoos that's my short update for today.

Please God! Please God!! Please God!!!

2010-11-16T15:16:00.000-06:00

He got through everything, the physical, the drug test, the background check...and now...they tell us he needs a co-signer for the classes since he doesn't have a job.

I am trying. With my crap for credit I am not bothering to hold my breath but I'm still kinda hoping...ok no lie, I'm totally begging God and making all sorts of deals with him to PUHLEEEEZE let this go through so he can get that job and get on the road and get out of my hair!!!

Please God! I'll pay off all my debts. I'll make a huge effort to be nicer to people even when I am annoyed. I'll stop walking/flying past the bell ringers. I'll clean my room. I'll , I'll, I'll....

I'm sitting her on pins and needles waiting for the call to let me know if it worked or not. Pins and freaking needles, stomach knotted. UGH. UGH. UGH!!! Call me already student finance department!!! Put me out of my misery!!!

Testing!

2010-11-15T09:00:00.000-06:00

OK so K went this morning for his physical and drug testing for the truck driving school. This has been the part stressing me out the most. You have no idea how bad of shape he has let himself get into. I'm worried he won't pass the physical. My man has really, really gained weight. He's atleast 300 pounds now. Shocking, I know. He just doesn't want to do anything except sit and eat and relax...anyway...I keep trying to get him to work out or at least walk but I just refuse to nag and make this an issue. He knows how big he's gotten and he knows he needs to eat less and move more to lose it. He just has to find some gumption to get his ass up and do it.

He had to be there at 6:50am and he was told he will be there all day long until 5:30. I caught the bus again this morning. Some fool made a fool of me by telling me the bus was $4 and I told him no it's $1.75 and he said it wasn't so I paid the stupid $4 only to find out that was for an all day freaking pass! I was right. I should have went with what I knew but I thought maybe the fare was different in the morning. So basically, I spent my vending machine candy money. No chocolate for me this week :-( but I guess that's OK. I won't die but I may want others to hahaha!

This weekend was very profitable for me. I made $275 in 2 days! And boy is every cent needed. I had to come up with a lot of extra cash this month and I haven't came up with all of it yet it's a week to week thing but by the end of the month I will have had to scrape together basically $800 extra money. It has not been easy and it won't be easy to finish but I am determined. I'm working late at Denny's, taking tables till they kick me off the floor. Playing cut-throat and basically doing everything in my power to make that money. One of the servers on Saturday gave me 2 of her tables the whole shift because she didn't feel like working large parties with her bad back so I had my station and half of hers. I waited on an entire highschool basketball team by myself so I didn't have to tip share...boy was THAT some work. I swear each boy drank at 7-8 sodas before they even got their food. With 25 boys it was all I could do to keep their ice covered and I also had to keep the coaches table happy. One of the coaches skipped out without paying but luckily my boss didn't make me pay for the ticket...which he does do. And yeah it's not legal for him to do that but the other option is not having a job so we pay for walk outs out of our own pocket.

OK well it's payday and I've got some ass to kiss so I gotta go get busy so boss doesn't catch me slacking. I need to get a day off here so I can work at Denny's and this boss doesn't like to give me days off. Since I'm salary he considers it like he's paying me not to work and I guess I don't blame him there. But I REALLY need the day off so I am gonna sign off now and go pucker up!

SO I might be a truckers wife afterall...

2010-11-04T09:50:00.001-05:00

K's driving record came back clear, we had his record pulled from the state and our insurance company just to be sure. He drove allllll the way to South Dallas yesterday afternoon to fill out the application and talk to the recruiter. He isn't approved all the way yet, he needs to pass the background check (they know he has a felony) and the drug test and the physical and the class, of course. The bad news (isn't there always?)... The price for all that is $197 up front. They said they can find him a company to work with even though he has a felony so we'll see. Also, before he gets that "local job home every night" part of the gig he has to spend a minimum of 1 year over the road driving. Will he do it? So far he's acting like he is willing but I'll believe it when I am dropping him off for his first haul.

I'll be honest, I'm a little worried for him. He hasn't said he doesn't want to do this, which really surprises me because over the road and away from me is NOT something this man would ever do...but here he is, seeming like he's willing. And there I lay last night, tossing and turning like a helicopter Mom who is sending her kid off to camp for the first time. What if he gets sick? What if he misses me? What if he's lonely? What if he can't sleep well? What if the trainer he will have to ride with for a year is mean to him?

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I need to be his cushion through life softening all of the hard blows? It's automatic for me, I don't realize I'm doing it until it's already been done. Why do I need to actually remind myself over and over that he's a grown man who should be able to handle getting sick, someone being mean to him, etc? Especially when I "man-up" all the freaking time? No one cushions the blows for me. It would be nice, but I don't need them to. I do need a shoulder to lean on when I feel weepy about the blows now and then but overall, I just suck it up and do what needs to be done.

I suppose it's my lot in life. I've taken care of him as long as I have known him, just as I have taken care of every man in my life... because I was raised by a hard working Grandmother who not only held down a full time job (back when it was frowned upon for a wife and mother to work) she "took care" of her family too. Washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning, loving etc. Grandma earned 1/2 the bacon and fried it all up in the pan. Grandpa worked too, he helped with the cooking and cleaning (so she says) when their kids were young but I never saw him do a lick of housework or ever pour his own cup of coffee or fix his own plate so I just go by what she said. To me, she was the best woman around and I hold myself to her standards. I just never really saw it for what it was so clearly as I did last night.
Well, I've gotta get to work now. I'll be back soon!

Crazy couple of days...

2010-10-29T09:14:00.000-05:00

Ok so guess what. The fucking finance company repossessed our car! Over late fees. I can't believe it, really. We got behind on a payment, got caught up on said payment and all of the other monthly payments have been not only on time but EARLY and those fuckers still repossessed that bitch. Because I couldn't pay the late fees they charged for that missed payment. I tried paying it off in installments but the interest on the late payment kept jacking the fee higher and higher. Oh well. Now they can have it. Goodbye, good riddance.

We spent the night in shock, really, trying to figure out how and why they would do that though. We did everything "they" tell you to do when you are in a bind. We communicated with them, we made the regular payments, we told them when he gets a job we'll get that late payment paid but they still repossessed. One of those middle of the night jobs.

I got a ride to work yesterday, and called my buddy from Denny's whose friend sells cars and got hooked up with another ride last night. For $500 down and $350 a month, no interest either. Dude isn't a dealer he's just an individual. We got a 2001 Ford Explorer Sport. 2 door. Dark blue with nice rims and a custom tint job (not that it matters but it's nice that it looks nice). Even more reassuring, Dude put it all in writing, including that if something major goes wrong with it before we pay it off he will fix it.

Well, that's my little update, I've gotta get a ton of work done because I slacked so much yesterday. I was exhausted, I didn't sleep the night before due to the repossession and worry about WTF we were gonna do and how was I gonna get to work etc.

Talk to you soon!

Back to back posts! Whodathunkit? I had to share a hot dream I had!

2010-10-26T09:31:00.001-05:00

I had to come and tell you about my dream! Lately, for the last few months, aside from the ones that were nightmares, I've had some pretty entertaining dreams. Night after night. Well, last night I dreamt I was a flight attendant going on vacation with a group of people. I don't know who any of them are but off to Jamaica we were! Next I was in a hotel room with about 4 other people, it seems we were all sharing. I opened the door and the ocean was literally steps away but that was just beautiful and not freaky like it would be in real life. Seriously, like 2 steps away. So, I went down to the hotel lobby to get a towel for the beach and the towels were all bleach stained and the lobby attendant was rude handing it to me, telling me it's stained with bleach so we don't steal them anymore. I shrugged and just went off on my happy way to the beach where I met a tour guide who wanted to show me the beautiful island...guess who he was. No. Guess! Ok, Ok, this game only works if we can actually hear each other so I'll tell you.

It was Taye Diggs!!! HA! Ya'll he gave me a private tour of the island, and then took me to this frame of a house that was sky high. In the dream I was climbing up the frame, following him to the top as he told me what each room was going to become. And in some areas he had to put his big strong arms around me and lift me and hold me steady etc. And of course, I was light as a feather and graceful as all get out and limber like you would never believe. So, finally we got to the top at sunset and the view was breathtaking. And then we had to climb down and he kept going first so he could lift me down and when we got to the bottom he didn't let go he just KISSED me! I totally made out with Taye Diggs in my dream. He smelled like tropical suntan oil and his lips were like velvet.

I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face, as you can imagine hahahaha!! It was the middle of the night so I went to the bathroom and went back to bed thinking "More Taye! More Taye!" but that failed but I still got part 2 of Jamaica. Me and 2 of the girls that were in my hotel room from part 1 up above went looking for a club so we could drink and we were escorted to a club that was again miles high in the air. This time there were stairs and decks and platforms to climb and once we reached the top there was a large deck with lavish areas with cushioned chairs and chaise lounges, satin pillows, drapes to make areas private and all of the servers were hot men with 6 pack abs, and super hot bodies and there were only us 3 girls so the attention was all on us. We were catered to like you wouldn't believe! My server guys were fixing me drinks and rubbing my feet with oil and I woke up just as it was about to get interesting...if you know what I mean!!!! Damn alarm clock!!! I wanted to throw that bastard into the wall for going off this morning.

Back to reality....

I got up and fixed my quick ol' pigs in a blanket (crescent rolls and brown and serve sausage links) and started chicken and dumplings in the crockpot for dinner. K got up just as I was about to leave for work, scared the shit out of me because I heard him before I saw him and it made my heart jump out of my chest. I'll go home mid-day and shred the chicken up and put the dumplings in. I'd have him to it but it's just easier to do it myself than explain it to him 10 times down to the last detail while he looks at me like I'm speaking French. The only comment he had this morning was "why did you put so much chicken in there?" (I used 3 chicken breasts so there would be leftovers for tomorrow) and I just told him the time to speak up was last night when he saw the chicken thawing on the counter, not this morning when things were already in the pot. Seriously. This man is getting on my last nerve.

Hello Monday!

2010-10-25T09:45:00.001-05:00

Boy am I glad to be at the sit-down job today! The past weekend seemed extra long. We were short on servers and the host decided not to show up on Saturday. He turned up Sunday but was sent home because his excuse was that he got stuck in Dallas and spent the day trying to find a phone to call and get a ride. Seriously. So I got the pleasure of playing hostess on top of serving my station which was not a pleasure I'm just trying to pretend it was the honor my boss made it out to be. Playing hostess means pretty much having to bus tables so you can seat folks at them so. Yeah. Hostess/busgirl/waitress AND he threw in a cash register drawer to boot because I am the server who stays late. I did manage to do it all, and I managed to only piss off 2 tables all weekend so all in all I think it qualifies as a win, right? Considering the old lady really did have it coming and the other table, meh, I forgot the woman's toast. The highlight of my day was waiting on HGD- hot gay dude- again. He's a regular and he is simply delicious and a total player as he brings a different but totally hot dude to breakfast every weekend. Oh my goodness, is he delicious. And polite. And sweet. And delicious. I can't wait on him and not blush every time he looks at me with his beautiful green eyes and smiles that beautiful smile. I don't care that he is gay, I swear when he looks at me he's flirting with me too and it makes me blush from head to toe. I swear, the things I contemplate doing to that man would turn him straight, if not completely, I know I could get him to make and exception for me...Ya'll, he is head to toe delicious. Head. To. Toe.

K had 2 interviews last week. One not worth a damn, turned out to be a commissions only job. We don't need that shit. The other was with TMoblie. He says $12-15 an hour so we will see if they call. I really want him to do that truck driving thing so that is what I am pushing for. The man said his felony status was OK since it was so old (over 15 years) and now we are waiting for a copy of his driving record. He can't have any speeding tickets over 14mph in the last 3 years and we don't remember what his past speeding tickets were so we just have to see. He did have one we can recall that was over but we think he did defensive driving course to keep it off his record...Lord I hope that's the case. He needs to do something other than sit behind a desk getting more out of shape.

So in other news...my son has formed a new band, the old one is on hiatus. He's couch surfing as a place to live and seems fine with it so I guess more power to him. His circumstances are limited so he's doing the best he can. Can't find a job...doesn't seem to want to move here and try so I'll just keep the door open in case he needs it. Marie is doing great, she's broken up with the girl she brought here last and gone back to an ex-girlfriend so we will see how long it lasts this time. At least they aren't naming their future children yet, or planning their lives. She's catching on...Nikki on the other hand has a new boyfriend. Baby Daddy#2 and her are finished and she is now in love with the new boy and life is grand and it's all sunshine and roses and of course it's forever and it's real love and now she knows she was never really in love with those other boys/baby daddys because this love is totally different so she knows it's the real thing. INSERT GIGANTIC SIGH here. K and I are just sitting back waiting to hear her announce her next pregnancy. Oh come on...it's not like anyone following this story isn't thinking the same thing. The girl won't listen and there isn't much I can do about what she does at this point.

Oh! Wanna hear a funny? Last night I dreamt I married Kevin Federline. Yup. Don't know why. Don't know how. I would understand a dream about me marrying Jamie Foxx, but KFed? Seriously? What's worse is it was a 2 parter. I woke up in the middle, went to the bathroom, went back to bed and picked up KFed again only this time he and his 2 boys were visiting me at Denny's sitting in the fresh express section and his Mom was with them folding their laundry at the table while I was trying to clean up spilled syrup. We were discussing Christmas trees.

OK I've stalled long enough. I must get started with the work day...

Blah Blah Blah

2010-10-21T09:55:00.000-05:00

Same shit different day for the most part. Work. Blah. Home. Blah. Husband. Blah.

Nothing changes much. That's why I don't post. I don't have anything to say. Figured I'd sign on so anyone who wonders knows I am alive.

Think I'm just gonna have to promise a weekly posting...

2010-10-06T11:02:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get here more frequently, though the desire to chat it up with y'all is killing me!!! UGH. WORK. They won't give me a moments peace. The new HVCC guidelines imposed on us has caused a nightmare of micro-managing appraisal companies. I've bitched about it below and before so no need to repeat, just know that it's all THEIR fault that I can't get here to you as often as I'd like. Well, theirs and my co-workers faults...the second I think I have a moment one of their needy asses pops in my office wanting me to do their grunt work and I of course have to help them or they go crying to the boss that they won't get the deadline met because I didn't make a phone call for them. UGH. It's a good thing I keep chocolate on hand or there would be several dents in each of their heads.

Speaking of work- it's going about the same. I'm very tired though, I can't seem to get enough sleep at night no matter how early I go to bed. I haven't had any nightmares this week which has been good, I've had some very vivid dreams though. Last night I dreamt that me and my Denny's co-worker Jake were both single. We bought a fabulous brownstone apartment together and while we were waiting on our new sofa to arrive we were discussing us going out to check out hot dudes. In the dream, he found a totally HOT guy and I found...nothing...as I got stuck with the hot guy's hanger on friend who was gay too so I didn't and wouldn't be getting ANY dick.

K hasn't had much luck finding a job but he did get some good news from the lawyer, they said that for $1025.00 they can seal his record and hide the felony from job searches. Need to make the first payment $150 asap. But also I need to come up with money for his tooth, he chipped it and it's causing him pain and he's run out of the antibiotics and so I don't know what to do. I hate to see him in pain. He's popping Tylenol for it but at some point I fear that isn't going to cut it and of course that will happen in the middle of the night with my luck when he's less able to tolerate anything.

So are any of you watching Sister Wives? I watch out of sheer curiosity, and sit with my mouth open wondering what in the hell that man has that women are willing to share him? He's creepy looking.

I can't wait to get home tonight. I am making chicken and rice and corn on the cob and my tummy is GROWLING at the thought of it. I am just grilling the chicken, the rice is on the side, not like the dish where it's all cooked together. I got chicken breasts on sale at Walmart for $1.78a pound! Can't beat that!!!

PS is mad at me. He wanted to come see me yesterday but I put him off and stalled him out till it was too late because I looked like crap and didn't want him to see me hahaha. He'll get over it but he ignored my text last night. HAHAHA. Really, I woke up late, didn't have time to do my hair or anything and I just grabbed clothes from the closet and hardly matched. No way am I letting him see me at anything less than my best just yet hahaha. Too bad, so sad. For him, that is. And I guess for me as I had to eat a can of Ravioli for lunch rather than have him take me out.

OK I've stalled this work long enough, I actually have someone waiting on hold for me to finish this hahaha.

Talk to you soon!!!

Dare I hope???

2010-09-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

Ok so 1 week has past...time really flies for me I swear it's as if I updated you yesterday!!!

Let me see, where to start- well I guess I'll start with what I'm afraid to hope for.
Last night while looking through the employment paper he noticed dozens of ads for truck drivers, ads willing to train, ads offering pay at about $700 a week and offering jobs that will have you home every night. Local drivers etc. In the past I had suggested this type of work and he poo-pooed the idea because he's afraid to drive them. I understand that, they are intimidating and all, I know I'd be afraid to drive one. But, he's considering it now because he really doesn't want another call center job and I really don't want him to have another call center job either. Those are just no-where jobs. He feels he pretty much wasted the last 9 years at the previous dead end job so that's in my favor. I'm also trying to feed ideas into his head, Jesus, I just want this man to man- up and take a chance at this already. So, I pointed out how I knew he was just considering it so "no pressure" BUT if he does take the job I could quit my 2nd job, be home on the weekends like I used to be and he'd become the breadwinner. I also pointed out how as frugal as we'd become we could bank my salary and have nearly 30K in a year as down payment on a house, and how he'd have money when his daughter needed something and how we'd get his child support paid off sooner and boy, was I working every angle I could think of including "I know trucks are intimidating but you'd be trained to drive them and there are a lot of other men and women who seem to manage just fine"...So yeah, whether or not I like it my hopes are really up on this one because all of that is actually true. I'm going to be really disappointed if he doesn't at least try. Really disappointed. And disillusioned. Which isn't a good thing when you want to stay married to someone who lately has felt like a dead weight who can't succeed at anything. Part of that is his failure to keep another promise to stop smoking. I realize it's hard, but I expect MY man to be able to man up and deal with shit sometimes and it makes me see him as weak when he can't even manage to cut back on the damned things. And then for him to want me to invest $50 in committ products to help him when he has shown me he has zero willpower just ticks me off. I sucked it up, I quit cold turkey years and years ago and didn't whine or bitch about it, as far as I'm concerned he can too if he REALLY wanted to quit he would. Anyway if he goes and tries this truck driving thing perhaps I will start to see him in a different light again. I'd like the stars back in my eyes when I look at him. I'd like to see him as a man again. I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is.

Did I tell you that Uncle came and dropped off the stuff from Grandma? It's too hard to look at the things now, I bawled my eyes out when going through them the first time, I'm all teary just writing this. I got a couple of her aprons that still had her tissues in the pocket and bawled uncontrollably for a good long while...I can't believe she's gone. I really can't. The feelings are still so raw for me and I feel lost without her. I'm not sleeping well, I go to bed and lay there thinking of her a lot of the time and just can't sleep. I'm still running on just a few hours a night. You should see the bags under my eyes. I try to keep those around me from knowing, I wear a smile, I laugh when it seems appropriate but deep down, I'm just very sad and wish I could crawl into her bed and snuggle with her a bit and have her stroke my head and tell me everything is going to be OK. Sunday's are the hardest for me as they were the days I was supposed to call her and I think back to the days I failed to call and regret fills me to the brim. I know she knows I loved and adored her, I know she cherished every call I did manage to make and forgave the ones where I got home too late from work and was just too tired to call anyone but I don't forgive myself.

I'm not sleeping much but when I do sleep I have nightmares. I wake up and if I can fall back asleep I pick up the nightmare where I left off which doesn't make me want to go back to sleep. It's typical of me, I don't know why I do that but I do. In my nightmares I am places I've never seen with people I've never met and they are all trying to kill me. Except for the last nightmare in which my youngest daughter was the one trying to kill me. That was especially fucked up. I'm tired of waking up in a panic as I am begging for my life right before I wake up. It's freaking me out. They are so vivid and so real.

Well, that's about where I am right now. Kinda messed up but trying to hang on and get through it all.

Work has been the same. Hectic and time consuming. I'm having to help my buddy at Denny's a whole lot, trying to help him keep up as I feel responsible for getting him the job. I hate to hear him yelled at for anything so I'm acting as the buffer between him and the manager, running his food, taking orders, filling drinks etc. I'm basically his right hand and trying to work my station too. It is because the manager has him on his shit list and is on him like white on rice not giving him reasonable time to do it himself that I am almost forced to help the man because I don't want him to lose his job. He's fine in general, he can do the job, just not at lightning fast speed with the manager riding his back. I was in that same spot not too long ago so I know how it is and he helped me out a ton then so I'm paying it back.

My one distraction, my ego booster, my PS is pretty much the only thing that can bring a real smile to my face, other than my sweet son and daughter I mean. He calls me a few times a week and whispers sweet nothings in my ears...making me blush sometimes. He's gone back on the road so he's only in Dallas about 2x a month so while there has been no hanky panky it's just sweet to have him call me and take my mind off of other things and give me a little spicy kick of naughtyness to consider lol. He will be in town next week and we will go have our lunch and flirt like crazy with each other. He seems in no rush to press for more either, so that's really nice. I think we are just both enjoying the idea of it right now.

Well I've gotta get my ass busy updating folks and ride a few asses of my own.

TTFN!

Wow it really has been a while, hasn't it!

2010-09-15T16:10:00.000-05:00

I feel pretty bad too, I had promised myself I'd keep this blog updated regularly but I seem to keep failing at that. That said, I'm no quitter...so I will keep trying.

To catch you up to date:

K is still unemployed but actively looking for a job. I'm not really pushing him to take just anything although I will if the time comes. I really would like for him to find something he'd like rather than jump at the first telemarketing gig that comes his way. Unemployment checks have not started, he's getting a bit of the run around. The lady told him she'd release it and the only thing that came was a letter saying he didn't do something he was supposed to do so no check. He finally reached her by phone today after leaving a bunch of messages and she told him she didn't know what it was and to call her back tomorrow and she'd find out. Wish him luck reaching her...

He's down and feeling like a dead weight and I'm just trying not to help him feel worse.

I am doing OK. I just recovered from a nasty bout of strep throat which I worked through like a freaking trooper if I do say so myself...and I guess I did haha. Don't worry, I didn't strain anything important while patting myself on the back. :-)

To the makers of the z-pack I bow to your amazing antibiotic skills. To the makers of cepacor throat spray- I bow to the ability to numb the throat but I also have to point out that that shit tastes like I imagine ass to taste when forced to imagine what ass tastes like. Really, you could do much to improve it. But don't choose cherry. GAG. Why is it so many of the cough drops and shit have cherry flavor? I can't stand cherry.

Work has been....work. Hectic here at the day job. Orders and status updates have taken over my life. I am overwhelmed daily by the incessant demands of needy clients who have no concept of what an appraiser actually does or how he works. Denny's has been demanding and exhausting but supportive in that they have found extra hours for me here and there and permanently changed my weekend shift to 6PM rather than 5 which doesn't seem like much but really, that's the money hour so it makes a difference.

Today I am blowing $40 bucks on a pair of work shoes because I've completely worn out the ones I have and if I'm gonna be working I need comfortable shoes. After some research, I've decided on the crocs bistro shoes...Lord I hope the folks who did their advertising didn't exaggerate too much. I need something comfortable and I'm willing to invest $40 on the ugliest shoes I could imagine so they had better live up to my expectations. If not, I don't know what to do besides go for the super expensive orthopedic SAS shoes...because I can barely walk after a shift and my feet throb through most of the night after I get off, sometimes to the point that I cannot sleep.

Speaking of not being able to sleep, I am dealing with insomnia now and have been for about 2 weeks. Not sure how much of that might be stress but I'm running on 3 hours sleep max and it's not 3 straight hours. It's sleep an hour be up for 3 then sleep another hour then wake...etc. I don't feel too bad, but I'm waiting to hit that wall and pass out cold. Oh that would be such a blessing right now. I'm thinking anestesia might be needed hahaha. Or a mass dose of vodka!! OR a mass dose of dick...oh wait did I just say that??? hahahahah sleep deprivation baby, sleep deprivation!!! And sex deprivation...sadly...not sure what's up with that. My rocket man has turned into a fireworks sparkler. Good for a few minutes and then poof it has burned out. Which has made it VERY DIFFICULT for me not to give in to temptaion and enjoy a good hot sneaky sex romp with PS. As a matter of fact, I've had a few dreams lately that involve that very thing...at least I'm having hot sex and multiple orgasms in my dreams I suppose hahahaha. TMI???

OK I've gotta stop thinking about it...let me change the subject...

The kids- the boy is doing as well as he can. He said the promoter ended up being wack and so they tore up their contract and are just doing their own promoting and gig setter-upping. He isn't working, he hasn't asked for money, his friends are taking care of him and he's managing so I'm not worrying about it. The way I see it, he knows he can move here and we can figure it out if he needs to or tires of living like a vagabond. The ball is in his court. I do have a job set up for him if he moves here...gasp...with PS. Yes, I know. But I've known PS for a very looooooooong time and I know not only can he keep a secret (it has been proven) but he also has the ability to get my boy hired on with him and making $12 an hour.

Marie has moved up in her position and now is in charge of one of the resident homes. She's doing a great job and I am so proud of her. If only she could make choices in her love life as responsibly as she does in her work life her entire life would be easier and I'd sleep better hahaha.

The OTHER one...gosh that sounds bitchy but if I can't be honest here where can I be? I'm almost fed up with the whole situation and while I am not kissing her ass I haven't shut the door entirely either. I'm writing her again, she isn't writing back but she does read them and she hasn't unfriended me yet haha so it is what it is. I figure you can only ignore someone being nice to you for so long before you have to break down and stop being a little bitch so we'll see if my theory is correct.

And my psuedo daughter/ my beautiful neice who I love like my own- best news of all= she had the baby!!!!

Last night. 6lb 13 oz and it's a girl. I don't know the name yet...or at least I'm not sure because what she posted as the name cannot be the name or at least her first name..

And now, I must go. Less than one hour till I leave and I just got 3 orders to deal with.

Another lovely morning :-)

2010-08-26T10:59:00.000-05:00

It is just beautiful outside. We were promised by Greg Fields that we would have at least the next 7 days of nice weather, nothing in the 3 digit range. It reached 80 yesterday and was just about 70 when I left the apartment this morning. Lovely. Just lovely. I am ready for the fall. Ready Freddy!!

I got into work and got all of the status updates completed already. It was in record time. I had to get creative but I got the job done. The problem stems from having appraisal managment companies that have no concept of what an appraisal entails running the show. They think it is perfectly reasonable to demand us to schedule the inspection the second it comes off of our printer. They don't realize that we need to enter it into our system, do some research on it to determine where the comps are and what the appraisal will require before we schedule. Ugh. The worst company by far is Lincoln Appraisal Group, the worst agent among them is Samantha. They bombard me with emails and Samantha has a tendancy to abuse exclamation points and types every other word in CAPS so it always appears that she is frantically screaming at me. I can't stand her.

I didn't get any extra hours from Denny's yet but I'm on the call-in list. I hope they call me today! She did agree for me to work later on the weekends so that's something.

The unemployment lady called K yesterday and suggested 2 jobs, he applied so we are hoping. They haven't officially got him on unemployment, she called because there were a couple things he needed to complete on his application but she brought up the jobs anyway which was really nice. One place is very possible, K worked there before he had this last job and left on very good terms. I actually kinda hope he gets that one the most, as we already know the good, the bad and the ugly about working for them.

Anon suggested in comments that we save money by cutting out the unnecessary stuff, which is a fantastic idea. We've cut out a ton of stuff already, the last remaining luxury is cable. That will go if it has to but we are hanging on to that one bit of joy, hahaha. But I've cut the package down to just basic which we get through the apartment complex package deal they have with Time Warner. It's $30. The cell phone is our only phone so we need to keep that as K is job hunting but it's as low as it can go now too, bare minimum minutes, my cell is added as the family plan where he added my line for $5...it can go if it has to but it's very handy and I don't want to lose it if I can swing it somehow. Either way it's a very practical solution Anon and I appreciate it and I am looking for other things I can cut out of the budget :-)

Humincat- NO I am not humping PS...at least not yet. But I promise y'all right now if any humping and I do mean ANY humping happens you will totally hear it from me! The temptation is there, but we keep our interactions out in public so flirting is it thus far. Big time flirting hahaha!!

The boss teaches a class today, he leaves in a little bit. I am SO GLAD I have the status done already, now I just sit and wait for work or the phone to ring.

It's HUMP Day! If you can't hump the one you love hump the one your with!!

2010-08-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

Or hump yourself...what every floats your boat!

My day got off to a really nice start. I had the morning to myself as K slept in so rather than watching the mind numbing news we usually watch I made pigs in a blanket and watched Bewitched. I love Bewitched. It was great. I was all propped up on my comfy new sofa with my favorite blanket enjoying hot pigs in a blanket and an ice cold Diet Coke and I was all by myself. It was bliss. K didn't wake up till I was getting ready to leave for work, he was so apologetic as if I were going to be mad at him for not getting up and seeing me off. HA. As if. I was as quiet as a mouse so he would stay asleep on purpose hahaha.

The beautiful morning continued, it wasn't hot outside at all when I exited my apartment. That was so nice, like a slight taste of fall weather came early. It rained last night, everything was still damp. I love that after the rain smell. I wish I were home, today is the perfect day to wash the windows and clean off the patio.

I got a chance to talk to PS this morning on my way to work, he filled my ears full of sweet talk, I was blushing on my drive in hahaha. He will be home next week and wants to take me to lunch. Yay!!!! I can't wait!

So, as far as Taco Bell goes, it's probably not gonna happen. I haven't completely cancelled the idea, but I think my desire for extra work hours will go smoother if I just try to swing a few of them through Denny's rather than an entirely different job. As soon as Uncle has came for his visit and left I will ask for something on the schedule, but this week I'm just calling every day to see if they have a need. Please cross your fingers for me that they say yes tomorrow or Friday. I'm down to just a few bucks and I have 1/4 tank of gas...I could use a few bucks to make it less scary.

Well, my boss just got in, I can tell because my email is BLOWING up. He doesn't read his emails, he forwards all of them to me so I can read them for him hahaha. Looks like I've got work to do so I'll holla at cha later!!!

2010-08-23T11:36:00.000-05:00

Good Morning everyone, How were your weekends? Mine was too long, hahaha. I’m glad it’s Monday so I can sit (for the most part) and work. Glad to be off my feet!

The budget hit a setback. Saturday morning the car wouldn’t start, the battery was dead. So of course, I searched high and low for a bucket of money around my house and didn’t find one so I called my co-worker and got a ride to work. New battery = $87… ability to get to and from work = priceless. As for the budget, I'm gonna have to regroup and come up with plan 3.

The car is starting to need some work. I need a tune up, oil, radiator flush and at the very least, 2 new tires. I’m considering a 3rd job. Yes. Yes. No you did read that right. Yes I am for real. I have a very good chance of being hired at the Taco Bell right around the corner from my apt. That manager that I didn’t like that quit Denny’s is running it. No, I don’t like her but she likes me, we’re all facebook friends and everything. She’s hired one of the guys I get along with from Denny’s so I’d at least know someone. I’m going to have to wait though. K is not keen on the idea, he tells me that is too much on his conscience for me to get a 3rd job and not to worry that he will have one soon and that no matter what I think, 2 jobs for me is enough.

I just look at the bills piling up, that’s all. I think I could manage 20 more hours somewhere and still function and that little extra dough would really come in handy. I may just try to pick up more hours at Denny’s, I dunno. I am hungry. I want some food. I’m tired of scraping by.

Business was sort of dead this weekend. We are blaming it on the tax free shopping thing that was going on. Hardly any one came in to eat. And then I got stiffed 3 times this weekend by 3 large parties of FOLKS who ran my ass off for nothing. Assholes. I hope diarrhea sets in on them while they are in a traffic jam. Hahaha…that would be the greatest revenge I think!

Well, this work and shit ain’t gonna do itself so I’m going to go…Talk to you soon!

Weeks ~

TGIF

2010-08-20T10:31:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it to Friday with a few bucks in my pocket!!! That's a first, seriously, so I am doing something right! Granted, I'll be spending some of it today on dinner but still. I made it hahahaha!!!

OK, so I've gotta shoot this out quick as I have to get work done so I can leave on my lunch for a hot minute. Someone (ahem PS) is in town (PS is a trucker) and wants to take Mwah to lunch and I am really looking forward to it. I look cute too, my new lavender top, some tight but not too tight dark jeans and my hair totally decided to co-operate.

Yeah. I know. I know what you're thinking...what about K???, Right? I have no business going out with PS but geesh, it's not like we are gonna screw over the table or anything. It's just lunch with a hot guy who is going to flirt with me shamelesssly the entire time and I am going to let him!!! Especially as the lunch will be at Uncle Julio's and you really can't beat their steak fajitas!

So anyway I got home from work yesterday to find that K had done the dishes (sort of) and did the laundry (sort of) but I gave him props for all that he got done and didn't mention that it wasn't actually complete...cuz that would be bitchy and I'm not going to catch any flies that way. He did the dishes, except for a few that he left soaking in the sink and except for a few that were still dirty but drying on the rack like the butter dish. It doesn't matter because I run everything he washes through the dishwasher. K's idea of doing the dishes is to put them in hot soapy water and let them soak for about 30 minutes and then rinse them off. Occasionally he runs a sponge across them but mostly, it's just a soak and a rinse *GAG*. He did the laundry, it's all semi-folded/rolled/balled up in stacks in the laundry basket. It is kinda cute how he tries to fold, it looks like a 5-year old helped Mommy fold clothes. I'm not bitching, I really don't care how my underware is folded, I'm just glad it's done. But it is kinda funny to me. I don't know why. At least he's trying hahahaha.

Tomorrow is another tip day. I need to make some fast cash so I'm going to work a double if I can. Uncle M is coming soon, he's leaving hometown on the 26th, swinging through to visit his daughter for her birthday and then headed to me. I just PRAY he comes during the regular work week so I can take the day off without missing out on any money!!! Pray for that too, OK? If I have to take a Sat or Sun off I am screwed and I don't want to NOT take it off, I haven't seen him in a few years and I adore Uncle and want to see him.

Anyway Hi-Ho-Hi-Ho it's off to work I go!!!

2010-08-17T09:49:00.000-05:00

OK, so I didn't quite have enough to pay the extra towards the late fees we owe on the car but I was able to send an extra $40 with the car payment, that's better than nothing right? I realized, even with my frugality, that things are considered necessities for a reason and so I had to hold back a few extra bucks to go towards that. Not to mention that the bank account was negative $11.75 GRRR and the car people charge me $10 to send a payment in. Isn't that fucked up? They charge you to pay them unless you allow them to directly debit your bank account. I don't trust K to leave money alone so I'll be damned if I put that money in and wait for them to take it. I put the money in the bank and immediately went home and paid the bills with it. I bought a few things from the store to eat for last night and today and the rest of the money is safely tucked away in my drawer. Tampon boxes are the best hiding places ladies!

I went to bed early last night and slept straight through till this morning. When I woke up I made a quick and cheap breakfast of pigs in a blanket. I cheat. I buy generic brand crescent rolls ($1.50) and those cheap little banquet pre-cooked sausage links (.98) and ta-dah you have pigs in a blanket. They are pretty good considering how cheap they are and it's breakfast for both of us.

I'm sitting here at work totally stalling. I don't want to do my work. I don't want to call for status, I don't want to relay that info to anyone. I don't want to put orders in or answer the phone today. What I want to do is go home, take off my jeans and shirt, put on my bathing suit and swim and enjoy the day. That's it. I just want the day. I'm considering how to go about getting one of those here soon. But I'm biding my time. Uncle is supposed to be making his way out here in the next few weeks, popping through to drop off some things Grandma wanted me to have. I may need to take a day off depending on when he comes. I pray he comes during the regular week and not the weekend as I need my weekend tips badly.

Anyway I guess I can wish and want all I like but reality is calling and so is this order I need to put in. Ugh.

If YOU are off today, would you mind having a little fun and dedicating it to me? I'd like to have some sort of life, even if it is vicariously lived through others!!!

It was a tough week

2010-08-16T13:47:00.000-05:00

It was a tough week but we made it. Unfortunately, K was let go from his job Friday so we are missing a paddle now and I'm trying to row with just one oar and doing all I can to keep from going in circles.

There are several reasons why K doesn't have a 2nd job, the main one was the difficulty in finding one that was flexible towards his always changing schedule at the day job. It was almost impossible to work around. The other reasons- a felony convition from his youth that still to this day shows up and makes him un-hirable by places with rules against hiring those with felonies and he's lazy and not a go-getter. Now, he must start over at square one, find a new job and hopefully he'll find one that allows a bit of flexiblity to find a 2nd job.
He filed for unemployment today. I hope that comes through so I can have some help but right now, I've got the entire burden on me and I'm really feeling it hard and I'm tired to boot so I can't really even process all that is on my plate.

I am unrelenting when it comes to my budget plans, though. Every single monthly bill will be paid this month in full. It means that I am spending over $200 on past due bills that should have already been paid. If I don't struggle through this month it will be even harder next month so I am staying on track so help me God, I am staying on track. I'm not even touching the past bills that are on the credit report. I'm just paying the regular day to day stuff now. I'll worry about way past debt later when I can actually do something about it besides worry. So, I got paid, I have $810 left after paying back $100 that I borrowed on behalf of my son. I'm paying car (including $100 towards late fees), car insurance and direct energy and I will have about $60 left until I work on Saturday. I need to put some kind of food on the table and gas in the car to get me to and from work. I have $300 worth of more bills to pay for by the end of the month, it will have to come from tip money as I don't get another check and K only had 4 days on the check before they fired him so I'm looking at about $70 there.

I'm going to ask Denny's to put me on the call-in list so if someone calls in they can call me and I'll come work the shift. I hope someone calls in tomorrow, but not today. I need some rest today. I almost fainted at work on Saturday, everything in the room got woozy and wobbly and then everything faded to black and back to where I could see in just a few seconds. I didn't faint or fall but I did lose vision. Luckily my co-worker was right next to me, I told him Andrew, I think I'm going to faint and everything went black and he held my arm but I didn't faint all the way. He helped me to the breakroom so I could sit for a few and brought me ice water to drink and I felt better a short while after. He was sweet enough to take care of my customers for me. He's a doll. A sweet kid. My son's age. Work at Denny's has been hard, the heat is almost unbearable. The manager caught me fanning myself with a menu and warned me not to let the customers see me. I blurted out "what? you think they don't know it's hot in here?" and that got me chewed out. Gee, no boss, I don't want to pay for the new air conditioninng unit that is needed. I just want to not drip sweat on my customers, that's all.

I can't get my brain to function in work mode today. I haven't updated ANY client statuses yet. I haven't even gotten them from the appraisers. I am totally slipping but I'm just so tired right now I don't want to do them. Luckily no one is calling, it's a totally unusual Monday, that is for sure.

Well, I don't know what else to say so I'm gonna go.

TTFN ~ Weeks ~

TGIF

2010-08-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

So yeah it's been all week, I meant to post and update ya'll on my budget progress but work has kept me busy as hell lately. It's those damn status updates!!! UGH!!! I'm spending the majority of my day tracking down various status updates on orders and some of these clients are really driving me insane. I really want to ask them how in the fuck do they expect the appraiser to jump through all of the fucking hoops they request which require them to be in the office and yet also expect work to get done faster than the speed of light when the work we do requires them to be OUT of the office? We need the ability to clone people ASAP.

Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful in so many ways? Focusing only on the good, I could find many uses for my clone. One- to work at Denny's for me. It's fucking hot at that place. How in the hell did I manage to get a job at another restaurant with suck-ass air conditioning? Remember, it was sweltering at IHOP too.

The budget is proving itself to be one tricky bastard. I am past due now with the electric bill, but it will be paid on the 15th of this month, late but still paid. That atleast halfway counts, right? The cable bill is due Monday or it will be shut off. I spent the last few bucks in my pocket this morning on gas, so I feel like a failure already. I really hoped I could stretch my few dollars out and have some left but the gas light was on and well, I gotta get to work. Whatever money I make this weekend, $117 of it goes to cable. Dear Lord, Please let me have a profitable weekend. Whatever is left feeds us for another week and the cupboards are bare. Bare bones folks. I've got soda, pancake mix, syrup, peanut butter, bread and 2 ears of corn. Oh how I wouldn't love to go blow a couple hundred bucks on food and remember what a pork chop tastes like hahaha.

Well, those fucking status reports won't take care of themselves so I'm gonna go now and tackle them.

Have a great weekend!!!

Snap crackle pop! That's the sound I made getting out of bed this morning!

2010-08-02T09:07:00.001-05:00

I don’t know if he really believed I’d do it, but I did. Since my last post I’ve kept every cent I made to myself, dispensing it as it is necessary but keeping a tight pinch on all of the pennies. I had a budget that got blown on day 1 because I didn’t know a bill was due that day. But it’s OK. I bounced back, got another budget in the works. It’ll take me some time to get everything swung around properly but the main thing is I’m looking to pay whereas he was looking to…well…who knows? I haven’t received a clear answer as to where the moneyhas gone. It’s not a ton of cash, I’m sure it got pissed away $10 here, $20 there. But that’s the point I’m trying to make, you need to pay the bills while you still have the money. Everything else can get worked out.

I worked really hard this weekend and took every table I could possibly snag. I took and took and took on Saturday. I had a decent station and knowing how much money we/I need to come up with was plenty of incentive to skip my break and just keep going. I made about $100 in tips, which is great considering the 1st of the month tips are light. All those rents and mortgages being paid, I guess. Sunday I really did it though. I managed to snag a 2nd station and work it the entire day and none of the other servers noticed. My manager knew, he thought it was awesome, HAHAHA. The bad part was they were the 2 stations that are the furthest apart and on different sides of the restaurant. The good news is if they hadn’t of been I’d have been caught by my co-workers and forced to share. I know, sneaky move but I don’t care. I’m the last server to leave every weekend and you should see the mess and amount of silverware they leave me stuck with. It’s ridiculous. So I don’t feel bad for hogging. I made $130 in tips on Sunday.

I am paying for it now though. I couldn’t be more stiff and sore. I’m downing Motrin and rubbing on the stinky Bengay today.

Well I’ve gotta get to cracking on the daily status reports and shit so I’ll holla at you later!

Good Morning

2010-07-29T07:51:00.000-05:00

Well I have had a busy week playing catch up and also establishing new procedures for the twice-daily file status crap my boss has decided I need to do. I honestly don't see why I need to be involved in it. The appraisers have at any given time between 5-10 orders. It seems much more logical to me for them to take responsibility for updating the clients on the progress of the files they are working on than it does for me to go around and get the status for everyones files and do all of the updating myself. I end up going back to ask more questions and having to make more contact with the clients. I really hate being the Monkey in the middle. Really hate.

Wanna know what else I hate? Husbands who lie. Take my husband for example. For years now he has been in charge of distributing our wealth (ha!), supposedly making sure our bills are paid on time. He's screwed up time and time again, so honestly I have to take some of the blame on myself for not stepping in sooner and taking over. Oh yes. That's right. I took over. I told him last night that effective immediately I would be handling the money that I bring in and making sure (or doing my best) to get everything paid in full and on time. Why do you ask? Well. He let the car get behind AGAIN. Despite my pleas, despite my flat out telling him I don't give a fuck what gets shut off or cancelled just make sure that fucking car payment gets paid, despite my BEGGING him to keep me posted when things go haywire - he let the car get behind 2 payments and can't even make a guess as to where the money went. On top of that, I got a call from a collection agency telling me that he got a fucking payday loan in September 2009 for over $800 and that he didn't make good on the loan and so now with fees and shit it's almost $1300...oh and if I don't tell them how I intend to pay it off TODAY they are going to proceed with a lawsuit.

So. I am going to do the very un-fun task of calling all of our major bills and getting how much we owe and what day it's due. I'm going to do everything I can with my basic math skills to work out some sort of a budget and get the bills paid. I am going to just worry about the current shit and of course this $1300 and when I get things better on track I will start tackling that old debt he was supposed to be tackling oh, what was it, 2-3 years ago when I began working my 2nd job? Yeah, I think it has been that long. In that time he has not paid one red cent towards our back debt. Like I said, I'm accepting my responsiblity for not keeping closer track of his ass. But I won't be foolish again. I had hoped for a husband who would lead our family, but like many of my hopes, these have been deflated. It looks like I am it.

Well, I've gotta get going, this status bullshit I have to do takes hours and then I get to do it all over again this afternoon.

I'm back

2010-07-26T08:08:00.002-05:00

Thanks for all of your kind words it was like a warm hug after a hard week. We said our official goodbye's to Grandma on Tuesday and it was as beautiful of a celebration of her life as we could all possibly make it. Uncle M who lived with Grandma was in charge as her youngest son. Uncle D is too ill or I am sure it would have been him. Everyone showed up to the funeral home to make arrangements and each chose one thing to contribute. I chose a song, my sister chose other songs, my brother chose the picture on the memorial program etc. Everyone had a say in something.

Anyway I don't want to talk about it anymore I need to just not talk about it anymore for a little while and then maybe I can talk again...I'm gonna do what I'm really good at doing, I'm gonna change the subject.

I went to the pool Friday and used this Coppertone suntan spray, it's supposed to be continuous spray. I saw it and thought it was cool because now I could get the sun protection on my back, I was going to the pool alone so no one would be there to help me. I thought it was perfect. Well. Perfect it is not. I am having an allergic reaction to the spray and my back and collar bone area became covered in a red, itchy rash. OMG I am going insane. I bought cortaid cream and it has cleared up a lot of the rash except for small areas here and there and one spot that runs the entire span of my back right exactly where my bra sits and that's probably because my bra irritated the rash on Saturday. The cortaid is taking the edge off of the itch but OMG when it wears off I'm ready to rip my skin off just to get away from the itch. I'm sure the sweating I did in the 90+ degree heat in the diningroom of Denny's didn't help anything either. On Sunday I couldn't wear a bra at all. I couldn't bear to put it on. I wore a tank top under my work t-shirt and it was fine. Today it's sort of the same. I think I need to try a better cream, perhaps benedryl? Do you think I should take an allergy pill, I was going to buy both benedryl allergy and buy their cream too, sort of a double whammy...I dunno. I can't think, I'm itchy.

Sunday was ridiculously hot in the diningroom too. Manager lets us believe the shit is broken or frozen so we sweat and suffer in silence. But I had K make a complaint to corporate out of hopes that corporate would be forced to replace whatever is up there with something that works and not long after the place got a little cooler. Not a lot, but more bearable. Now I think they are just trying to cheap out on the electric bill. I get their point, seriously, I do. But does a hot restaurant appeal to anyone when it is July and we are in Texas? It has to be hurting business.

Well, I've got to get going here, it's 8am and I have a ton of work to catch up on. Talk to you tomorrow!

My beloved

2010-07-16T06:40:00.001-05:00

My Grandmother died yesterday. The world has lost one of the good ones. I really can't speak or talk or feel anything except pain right now. I don't know how I am supposed to exist without knowing she is here on this Earth with me. I don't know how to process this at all. It hurts so much I can't breathe.

ETA: Photos.

My heart is broken. I miss her so much I don't know what to do with myself.

YAY it's Monday!

2010-07-12T14:09:00.002-05:00

I know most would rather not see Monday roll around, but for me it spells the END of Denny's for a few days so Mondays for me, they are GOLDEN! So how’s it going? I just wanted to pop in real quick before the rest of the day gets away from me.

Today is my baby girl’s birthday. I haven’t heard from her in a few months, but I’m hoping she contacts me soon. I’m not gonna beg though…mark my previous words about the situation. But, I’m holding a tiny flicker of hope…

My son is once again "speaking to" Kaelin, that trampy little waste of flesh, air and time he dated in Illinois. I have only truly stuck my nose in his business once..ok who am I kidding... I butt in all the freaking time but this chick required extreme tactical manuvers to get her out of his life. Stalker tracked him down and his dumb ass friended her. It won't be long till she's got her free loading good for nothing stanky ass on the bus to New Mexico so she can be with him. Ugh. Lord, please don't let this be the one. I don't want to channel Marie Barone but so help me God I will. I will be the biggest nightmare of a MIL that girl would ever dream of. I don't think I could bare it if he had children with this...this...my mind can't even wrap around the idea it is so horrified. Do they make full body bullet proof condoms and can I force my grown son to wear one?

Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! I need happy thoughts!!! Pronto!

I went on a shopping spree last Friday! I hate shopping. Hate it hate it hate it. BUT. I am kinda digging the new clothes. I got a few pairs of jeans, about 9 tops and a new pair of Nike so I’m feeling all spiffy today. It’s been years since I got anything new. The best part of trying on the clothes was I found that I wore a smaller size! Normally, the trying on part is the most horrid!! I called K from the dressing room all giddy and shit, the women in the stall next to me must have thought I was a freak or something hahaha. I still hate shopping with a passion but this trip wasn't so bad.

K and I had a fight about the shopping thing. I went with FF and he was totally against it. Gave me such a hard time when I told him about it days ahead of time, and instead of just taking it I gently but firmly put him in his place about it and reminded him of all that I do for our family and of how little I actually take back for myself. I didn’t here anything else about it again except for compliments on my new clothes.

Saturday was totally dead at Denny’s. But they came in droves on Sunday O.M.G. I will be so glad when that damned $2/4/6/8 menu is over~ I don’t mind the $6/8 but those other 2 really drop the check totals down and, I’m just gonna say it, they bring out the kinds of folks who generally can’t afford to eat out and therefore don’t understand the concept of tipping. Read into that whatever you’d like.

When I got off work on Sunday K had done the dishes, wiped down the kitchen, “windexed” the glass table tops and sort of dusted the wood on the rest of the tables and straightened the desk. He straightened out our closet and repaired our shoe rack and also took out the trash. Essentially more housework than he has done in years, lol. I was so happy and I let him know it! Read into that whatever you’d like and insert a wink hahaha.

He didn’t have to go into work until late this morning so we slept in, had breakfast at Whataburger and now I’m just sitting here at work trying to prevent a headache from taking over. I’ve popped the motrin, I’m just waiting for it to kick in.

Oops…work is begging for my attention again, I guess I’d better get off this thing and get to it.

Toodles Poodles~

I know! I know! I blew it!

2010-07-08T09:45:00.000-05:00

Gosh this week has flown by in a blur. I suppose that is a good thing for most but for me that just brings me closer to a shift at Denny's. I meant to post Tuesday and just flat out forgot and I meant to post yesterday but I got really busy and didn't have any internet time (no, not even Farmville.)

FF's trip to meet her new girlfriend in my hometown and visit her family in the next town didn't work out at all as they had planned it. The girl went all psycho batshit crazy on her and thew her out near the crack of dawn on the 4th of July, pouring her shampoo and conditioner out and putting her things on the lawn. Sounded like a whole lot of highschoolish drama but FF bounced back easily enough. She's got family near my hometown so she is with them. AND she met a young hottie so there is that to enjoy! She flies back this evening.

I didn't sleep well at all last night. K decided to do his hair somewhere around 11PM and the bathroom is basically off our bedroom. I managed to fall asleep only to be awoke by fumbling hands somewhere after midnight. Now, before you start on me with the "but you've been complaining about the lack of sex" let me just say that I realized that and still decided I'd rather sleep. His way of fumbling is just frustrating. A slight touch here and then nothing because he dozes off. Then as you start to relax he wakes up and here comes another slight touch. Well, he slight touches and stops/dozes off repeatedly until he manages to wake me up all the way or until he manages to piss me off by the stop and go and I roll over and tuck the covers around myself. If he'd just fucking GO AT IT we'd have a deal but I don't like that mamby pamby stop and go shit. Not when I'm tired and sleeping. No way in hell am I going to reach around and start something back because then he rolls over and it becomes all about him and I've had just about enough of the service industry if you know what I mean. Serve me or leave me be. I slept part of last night on the sofa just so I could sleep in peace. Asshole.

FF and I are going shopping tomorrow...ugh...jeans shopping. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE shopping for clothing. Loathe it. Detest it. I'd rather be raked over the coals than go clothes shopping but she "needs some time with me" so I'm going. I'm going. Ugh. I'm going. Shopping. Did I mention just how much I HATE SHOPPING? I know. I'm not normal. What woman doesn't love to shop? I think I am the only one. Really, I'd rather do chores and clean the toilet than shop. The toilet at Denny's. Or worse, the toilets here at this job. There are some nasty heffers in this building for real.

Well, the boss just walked in and since I'm faking a dr. appt so I can go shopping I have to get some work done and not get caught on the Internet. I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow! Toodles Poodles!

Monday morning, almost bright and early...

2010-07-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

I'm predicting a long, quiet day for myself. I don't even know why I am here. I mean, I'm more than willing to work but everyone else seems to have the day off. There was no traffic to speak of on my way in this morning. I called the boss and yep, we are working today. Sniff. Oh what I wouldn't do for a day home alone on the sofa watching an old movie. Bosses opinion (and mine too if I'm being honest) is that July 5th is not a holiday. Neither is July 3rd which is why I don't understand cities that shoot off their fireworks that night. But we watched them anyway and said "Happy Birthday a day early America" and went home.

The weekend was really slow at Denny's. I got the boss to cut the floor early, only one co-worker complained about that but when I asked her, "well, would you like to work late with me?" she sure as hell didn't want to stay. All talk. All talk. They all talk about how they want to make money but the second they can get their foot out the door they are gone in a flash. So I don't caret that I bump them off the floor. And I don't feel bad doing it. As slow as it was I barely scratched out my quota both days.

K and I put some t-bones on the grill and some hot links. I boiled some corn and made mac and cheese. There was chips, watermelon and I can't remember what else right now. It was good, we have a few days worth of leftovers to enjoy. I don't like leftovers but I love not having to cook so I'm not complaining!

And well, that's pretty much it for my holiday. And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. I've got billing to finish so I'll talk to you later!

TGIF

2010-07-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! I'm just stopping by really quick to wish all of you a Happy 4th of July! I hope your fireworks sparkle, your bbq's turn out perfectly cooked and all of your drinks stay cold! I hope your family and friends show their appreciation and that all of you have a fantastic celebration!

Talk to you again on Monday!!

Better late than never

2010-07-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Today is billing and payroll day. It also seems to be annoy Weeks and see how many of her buttons you can push day. I'm hanging on by a thread folks. A thread.

And that's all the bitching I'm gonna do about it. No worries. Someone may end up injured before the day is over but I won't get too far ahead of myself just yet.

So. A few days ago this guy named Fred contacted me here at work. He's a smelly blast from the past, comes up and around again every few years in between stints in prison. "He must have been released again" was what I thought as I told the voice on the phone that I no longer work here and he had the wrong number. So. Yesterday, he did a facebook search and tried to friend me. K told me about it. K was playing on my farm and just so happened to notice I had a friend request and he ignored it "for me" haha. So cute. You know I really needed his help with that, right? As if I would accept on my own. Fred seems to forget that while yes, he does know me and yes, we were once "friends" (if you wanna call it that) that friendship ended. This MOFO

worked for my ex-boyfriend the truck driver. At one point, he was left behind to stay in my apartment by the ex-boyfriend, for a couple of days until ex-boyfriend got back and would be able to take him on the next run. MOFO was provided comfortable accomodations, my new sofa to sleep on, cable TV, free food and drinks, a hot shower and access to laundry facilities. All on my dime. I was a waitress back then, only, no 2nd job. And to repay me for my hospitality he went through my things and stole checks while I was at work. He then proceeded to write checks out to himself for "work" and was unsuccessful in cashing them thank God and thank the super smart check cashing agent who had a feeling something wasn't right and refused to cash the checks and instead called me. He had tried to forge them for all kinds of money I didn't have and I found out and pressed charges and put his ass in JAIL. Idiot. He just called here again, asking for me by my maiden name like some long lost bill collector who has just figured out where I work. Ugh. Anyways, ladies of Garland Texas and the surrounding areas, this is the ugly mutherfucker. Please avoid him at all costs. Seriously. Cross to the other side of the street if you are walking and if you are driving well, speed up and don't miss is all I can say. Take careful aim haha. Ew. No. I take that back. No need to de-value your car with roadkill.

So. That's really all that I had to say. Unless you wanna talk about how awsome my rubber band ball is getting..

Hahaha you did you think I lost my roll?

2010-06-30T12:01:00.000-05:00

I know, half the day has passed and you thought, oh see, she WAS on a roll but today she fell off.

HA. Not.

I would have posted this morning but my P.S. surprised me with breakfast. No call before hand. No warning. I just heard the office door open and looked over my shoulder and there was his smiling face holding a bag with a hot, fresh sausage McGriddle. Then he spent a couple hours sitting right next to me while we surfed FB for people we used to know. He looked so fine. He smelled divine. And when his hand brushed the side of my leg I felt my you-know-what jump.  I swear to you, it has been tooooooo long. Way too long. You KNOW it's been too long for anyone when an innocent brush barely a touch on your thigh makes you want to take all of your clothes off immediately.

Anyway...

FF called me this morning. She's on her way to my hometown on Friday for the weekend, I guess. Maybe she's staying longer, I dunno. I'd give anything to be in her shoes. I miss my family.  My mean sister friended me on facebook, the one who just went off on our family about 10 years ago and cut everyone off and blamed everyone else for it and we all sat around saying HUH and WTF and What brought that on? Anyway I accepted because I always said I'd keep the door open. So far she's been nice, I'm on eggshells though, watching each interaction I have with her carefully because you never know when she may snap again.  I love my sister, but I don't feel very close to her. Not like my other sister, the one who we stay with when we go to visit, the one K takes out on pizza dates because they both think it's the food of the Gods. She's got my whole heart.

K asked me last night if I would consider a baby. My mind immediately went to KITTY. I want a baby KITTY so bad. A furry black kitty was the 1st image in my brain 0.1 second after he asked me if I would consider a baby.  But he meant a human baby. I told him I'm too old. He disagrees. I reminded him I'm sterile (tubal ligation) . The only way a baby is getting inside me would be IV, I suppose. So he asked me to consider it. Consider it HOW? I work 7 days a week to support our 2 mouths. Just how would that work out with 3? Would I like a baby.   Yes. I suppose I would. I'd also like another car, a house, a million dollars, good credit and some time OFF. I don't see any of those things happening in the near future. So me, paying for IV? Yeah. Sure. I'll do that with the interest I earn off of my billion dollar savings account. yeah. That's it.

Hey Sandy! This makes 3!!!

2010-06-29T08:57:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm on a roll, right! Too bad it's not a hot, gooey cinnamin roll...my sweet tooth is harrassing me this morning. It didn't want turkey bacon and egg beaters. Nooooo, my sweet tooth wants something like waffles and peanut butter...or french toast with raspberry sauce...or a stack of my Grandma's pancakes. No one can duplicate them...I don't know what she does. She uses a mix but they never taste like mine from the same mix. Her's have this wonderful little lacey,crispy edge around them that I just can't seem to accomplish. Oh what I wouldn't do for a stack of them and a couple of over easy eggs...another thing she does like no one else. I know, you're thinking what? It's an egg. But seriously, she does something to them! I'd better stop talking about it before I get too homesick. I'm dying of it already. My beautiful niece is having her baby shower this coming weekend and it is KILLING me that I cannot go. KILLING me. My cousins, my sister, my neice, my auntie, my grandma and everyone will be there. Except me. And it's killing me for real. I want to go so bad.

*rapid subject change*

Remember me telling you about my Denny's co-worker Miss Conspiracy Theory? The one who decided I was her new BFF and who talks about little else than America's conspiracy theory and how we plan to take over the world and how we've already got the new world money printed? I think her crazy rubbed off. Another, formerly sane or so he seemed co-worker has drank from the Koolaid. Have ya'll heard of some shit called "The Iluminati" or something like that? It's some craaaazzy shit people. Supposedly all of our Hollywood stars have made deals with the Devil for success in this life and through their music videos they are sneaking in satanic symbols and stuff. Formerly sane co-worker just about wore me out Sat & Sun talking about which stars were involved in it. On Sunday, I mentioned it and he actually hushed me and looked around in a panic to see if anyone was looking at us because I spoke the name "too loudly and they might hear us". It's all true, you know, he read all about them on the Internet.

*rapid subject change*

So I mentioned a few posts ago about a little something on the side...or a little something who WANTS to be on the side...a potential Sancho if you would...Oh that's a good name for him! P.S.! Ha. OK anyway, PS was going to bring me breakfast, and then lunch yesterday but I didn't get the messages in time. How sweet it that? He was looking MIGHTY fine in the little video he sent me HOT DAMN or atleast his penis was looking MIGHTY fine hahaha. If K doesn't start giving me some decent loving STAT I may just...I may just...no. I know I won't but DAMN how long am I supposed to suffer the drought before I start looking for another source of water? Especially when I have a refreshing creek trickling right along my property line??? All K wants to do is sit up and play on the computer or laze on the new sofa watching BET and eating chips. He's gotten so out of shape it is terrible. I asked him yesterday what happened to my hunk of a man and his sex drive? It went from long, hot and steamy and almost every day/night to short and humid and once every 7-10 days and that's just NOT cutting it.

*rapid subject change*

Nikki has not contacted me in over a month. I stopped chasing her and emailing her regularly. IMO she can just live her life and if she wants me she can call. I'm done, I give up. I can't make any ground unless I pay for it and so I'm just gonna do my thing and let her do hers and if we happen to cross paths fantastic if not well...I guess that's just life. I can't jump through anymore hoops and I am NOT going to beg this child for her love. My Marie is doing fine, she's still dating the same girl she brought out here last, the one K and I liked, which is good. They have their silly fights, I get to hear all about it of course, usually from the car where Marie has gone while she waits for NayNay to come chase after her. Or from the car where Marie is holding out because she knows NayNay wants her to come begging back in. Depends on who was wrong haha. KIDS. What can you do with them? NOTHING. Scott and his band are playing their little gigs around New Mexico and just across the Texas boarder. He lost his job at Arby's and was looking at living in a tent but then he found another job. DISCLAIMER: HE knows he can come here, he doesn't have to be homeless or live in a tent. But he would have to leave the band. He's 24, he gets to make that call and live with the choices. I don't make enough money to support them but they are welcome to come and share what I already have.

2 posts in almost a row! I'm on a roll!

2010-06-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

OK so anyway...
Where was everyone this weekend?? You would not believe how slow it was at Denny's. I didn't make much of anything tip wise, but those are just the breaks. Hopefully next weekend will be more profitable. One of the managers moved on to Taco Bell, I'm not sad. She was annoying and loud and I'm glad she's gone. She was the type that would start off the shift bitching at you that she'd better not be given reasons to bitch at you "or else". She really knew how to get the day off on the wrong foot. Anyway, she threw herself a going away party, invited everyone and then provided beer and 8 hamburger patties. 30 people showed up. I wasn't one of them, I thought it would be a little hypocritical to show up considering I don't really care for her at all. I had "other plans" I couldn't get out of. Hey, my sock drawer was a MESS, it truely needed straightening out.

I made chicken and dumplings for dinner last night. They cooked all day long in the crockpot and I finished them when I got off work. It was pretty good except my potatoes had gone bad so we didn't have anything except that. Nothing to sop up all that gooooood gravy. I really, really, really need to get to the grocery store and buy something to put in the cupboards. They are bare enough that I can see they need a good paint job hahaha. Would someone please write whomever is in charge and ask they extend the day out by a few extra hours? 4-5 should be good.

Friend is back from her Mission trip, I haven't heard from her but her facebook page blew up sometime Saturday...jam packed with updates and a lot of "Praise Jesus" stuff. It's not that I'm against God or Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but all of that worship talk just makes me uncomfortable. To me, it just seems cultish and consuming and it just makes me kinda back away. It can be overdone. But I get that she's super enthused and gung-ho and all spiritually charged up and it's gotta come out of her somewhere...I just don't want any of it getting on me. I personally feel there is too much hypocrisy in organized religion. Many (not all) but many who speak the loudest about it only succeed in setting off my internal bullshit alarms.

Well, I guess that's all I've got to say right now...I'll talk to you later!

The Bachelorettes~ OR~ Over 2 days I have eaten an entire bag of Tootsie Roll Miniatures by myself...

2010-06-25T08:24:00.001-05:00

Which is irrelevant but really, I ate them all. And I'm just a tad ashamed that I wish I had more...

Please excuse the dust, they have been sitting for just a little bit longer than I would have liked and are slightly over-ripe...

Let me know if you see the future snuggle bunny in the mix, I can totally hook you up now. I had to JOIN the site to surf it hahaha, glad it was free or y'all would have been stuck with my craigslist finds!

Up first is a lady, ahem, who would like to "wine you and dine you". I see a do-rag and what looks like the front of a trailer so I'm guessing she means she's gonna "Mad-Dog 20/20 and Taco Bell you"...

The dog looks betrayed, like he totally knows he is being used as cover. They aren't fooled you know. They know. Dogs know everything...you ever wonder what your dog would say if he could speak? Hahaha right now all you dog owners are remembering all of the things you've done in front of them aren't you!

The look in her eyes says someone had better run down to the 7-11 and pick her up a pack of Winstons and a big Gulp Mountain Dew STAT before someone get's hurt. This was her only photo...she's chose this as the winner and best shot. Seriously.

I had to stare at this one for a bit to digest all that is fucked up about it. First off, pepto pink tiles, the scary saggy really long and flat cleavage and ...and...and then I couldn't get past her lips...what in the HELL is wrong with her lips I kept asking myself, with a confused look on my face that we all know causes wrinkles too so I will be blaming this bitch right here when I sign myself up for the botox...anyway...the lip....

turned out to be her tongue and then I just got all grossed out and x'd out of her photos.

Only to find this lady...all shined up and spiffy and ready to show you her muscles. She looks like she could handle big Red up there, like she'd tell her to go get her own Winstons and Mountain Dew Big Gulp.

Unlike this doll-face who looks like she took one too many punches to the face... bless her heart...

See anyone interesting yet? Well, I do have one special beauty I've been saving. You don't mind a few pox/acne/flesh-eating bacteria scars do you? She can't help it, she's a picker...

No?? Did you say NO??? Well, aren't you picky!!!

How about her? Same picky little problem but at least you can be fairly certain it's just acne?

Still NO? Wow...Ok if it's clear skin you want ...

how about his cuddle, porceline skinned beauty? Not a pick scar in sight...she looks like a freshly scrubbed little piggy... who is mad cuz she didn't get to the market.

Anyhoo...what's she mad about? What's your guess? The hair or the eyebrows?

Are ya tired yet? Wanna take a nap and cuddle? She's got the bed all warmed up for ya...

Of course if you're feeling frisky this next bachelorette is always good for a little friendly wrassle...what do you suppose she's got tackled in this photo? I honestly couldn't tell.

Yeah, I know, I know....

2010-06-17T11:04:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be making more of an effort and I SO AM...but the new server we got is a piece of shit and basically as slow as dial up so getting here was painful. The internet pains me now...I have the patience of a screaming 2 year old...I can't stand wating and watching that damned hourglass hoping that the internet pulls up before the damned thing times out. UGH. So, I haven't been around but I've been thinking of you!!!

So...what's new? Oh...if you only knew. I don't even know where to start. I could start with some juicy gossip...about ME. There is a tall, dark drink of water hoovering around me lately, just BEGGING to be my Sancho. As tempting as it is, and BOY IS IT TEMPTING...I won't do anything. But boy has it been fun thus far. I've known him for years, he was once a FWB and a very good one at that and he's just itching to make the connection again. I'm a little itchy too, but I won't scratch. I promise. Really, I won't. But I am really enjoying the mental aspects of it and that's perfectly allowed if you ask me.

Let me see, what else is new... Oh, FF is heading out on a missionary trip with her church on Friday. I wish her a safe flight. For the poor unsuspecing Peruvians she's about to try to convert, I wish them luck. I know if it were ME, I'd be highly offended that some Americans thought they needed to fly all the way over just to convert me. I don't really go for that shit. In the same way I detest pushy salesmen, I detest having someone elses ideas of God and religion forced upon me. If I'm interested, I'll ask YOU. Otherwise, don't bother me. She's become religious lately and I can totally see her becoming just like her mother one of these days and it's causing me to take more than a few steps back from her. Her Mom is a piece of work...she used to be so EVIL towards me and then preach about God in the next breath. All I know is, if God really were talking to her Mom he would have been telling her to STFU.

Work has been OK. You already know my complaint about the day job here...Denny's hasn't sucked in a few weeks. Well, the money sucked last Sunday but I did alright on Saturday so that made up for it. Nothing much going on there, except I am the managers star again, he told me last Sunday that he wished all of his employees worked as hard as me. You know what that means right? I'm due for the shit list again any time now HAHAHA. I'm not letting my guard down this time, I'm expecting it so I can deflect it. I avoid him like the plague at work, managing not to make eye contact and managing to stay busy or look like I am headed somewhere when I walk near him.

K is fine. He's got a new schedule, yay for him. He's thrilled, I'm not. He's thrilled though,so I know really that is all that matters to him. The only good part for me is I don't have to listen to him whine about working till 6 and how that eats up his evening time. Nevermind that his 6PM was my 6:30PM and his evening time is relaxation while mine is housework...I can't complain. I created this monster. Ok, I can complain, but I shouldn't. It really does piss me off, though, when he looks at me like I have 2 heads when I complain that I'm the only one who does anything...and then he says something about how he does help around the house. I just congratulate him on a job well done, he's managed to hold the couch down every single night all by himself and kept it from walking off. That's just so helpful!!! Seriously, though...how does he even have the nerve to let the words form in his mouth that he helps me around the apartment? Does he think me so utterly stooopid that I would believe that, considering I KNOW WHAT I CLEAN and what it looks like before I clean it? I'm not going around re-doing his work...it's not done AT ALL unless my hands have touched it. The only thing he does do, and it royally pisses me off...he straightens the covers on the bed on his side when he gets up. It pisses me off cuz he can't bother to take 3 extra steps and straighten mine out too. It's the little things...ya know?

Well, back to work for me...I'll see ya around!

Hump day!

2010-06-02T08:21:00.002-05:00

Good Morning! I meant to post yesterday but our server crashed yet again so I was without the Internet for most of the day. Our server is one giant piece of crap, I can't even begin to guess why he doesn't invest in better equipment. Soon clients are going to start thinking we are just lying about our server in order to gain a bit more time...if it's not the Internet it's our email going down. Oh well, we're up and running today so I'd better stop bitching before I jinx it.

K and I had a decent Memorial Day...we were off together which hasn't happened in a couple years so that was nice. We grilled a couple of T-bones, I made some potato salad and corn on the cob and crack brownies to go with them. Simple, quick and fairly easy stuff we just sort of picked on it all day long. Last night was a repeat of it. Yum is all I can say. Those T-bones were good!

Work last weekend wasn't too bad at all. I have that crazy server following me around trying to force me to be her best friend, though. I've asked the manager to keep anyone but her late with me and he's starting to see the crazy that I see so I'm hoping he finds someone else soon. I think my buddy G quit because she hasn't been back in weeks after calling out sick and that's kinda how I quit IHOP (which I told her about and I know she was job hunting) anyway best wishes to her but damn I miss her. She and I were a great team.

This crazy server likes to put me on the spot and I find myself biting my tongue a lot so as not to say what I'm thinking and hurt her feelings. When I first met her she seemed normal and mentioned sewing and I mentioned that I have had a machine for years and I haven't used it once because I can't figure out how to thread the damned thing...she offered to come over and teach me and I was up for it, but then the next week her crazy started to show so I backed off. I don't need anymore crazy people in my life. But now she's saying things like "I'm still waiting to come to your house" and I said "Oh, I can't find the machine" and she'll said "So that's the only reason you'd have me over? I'm new in town and you can't invite me just to come over?" OR "Hey tell your husband to fire up some steaks on the grill so you can invite us (her and her husband) over" and "What do you mean you dont have my phone number you sent a text to my husband for me 3 weeks ago?" (I didn't keep the damned number why would I??? But I just lied and said my phone didn't store the numbers for long and she insisted on me putting her number in my phone and stood there while I did it. Oh...and she wants me to stop listening to music and watching TV and reading celebrity gossip because it's all bad for me and it will put bad messages in my head....seriously y'all, she's on me like white on rice all day long with random shit.

Did you know that our government is behind what happened in Greece and it's because we are trying to take over and make us one big world? Did you know (gasp) that there will soon be a road going straight from Mexico thru the US all the way to Canada? ( I didn't have the heart to interrupt her outrage to point out that there are already several routes) and did you know that the new world money has already been printed? It's all a matter of time before hell comes, and according to her I'd better start reading up on it and getting prepared or I'm gonna be in big trouble when it happens. Oh, and soon, Haiti or Cuba or both will be the next star on the USA flag. My response of "Oh really? That's COOL!" was met with great disdain and head shaking disappointment and about 20 minutes of stuff I can't even begin to repeat because it was the crazy talking.

I was talking to Andre' about his needing a ride home and I told him if he was here when K got here we'd be glad to drop him off and she wanted to know why I never offered her a ride...I can't do shit without her throwing in what I don't or haven't done or offered to her yet and it's always followed by teary eyes and a quivering lip...I try to be nice, I do have to work with her but she cries so easily! For example my buddy Mo was joking and told her he didn't mess with white women because white women were nasty and he said tears filled her eyes and she got very quiet as if he were turning her down directly...Mo is 62 and just likes to say stuff no one takes him seriously. He's like a dirty old uncle...OK I have to confess my evil deed...

You know that older server who runs hot and cold with me, depending on the cycle of the moon? Well, lately she's been real cool with me, joking around, thanking me for helping her, giving me candy...oh yeah...she found my weakness. If anyone is my BFF at work now it's her and not Looney...hahaha. Anyway, I'm gonna call her Batty. Batty told me last Saturday she was going to pick on someone Sunday because she was in the mood and since she loved me she was going to let me pick the person who got it...and so I immediately picked Looney and told her it was because Looney cried easily and Batty's eyes shined with love for me. She was hoping I'd pick her hahaha. Looney had a hard day. She kept trying to seat herself and Batty would go around her and take the customers to her table...over and over and over and over. Soon she was in tears and trying to cry on my shoulder because she wasn't making any money. I just went and told Batty it was working... know that sounds mean, I told you I was evil. I'm sick of hearing Looney cry about money only to clock out on break the moment the floor gets busy, or to go sit in her truck to cool off, or go outside to smoke a cigarette, or go to the managers office to bug him. Seriously, the girl does everything but work and then at the last minute starts crying because she doesn't have much money. She can't serve more than 2 tables at a time and wants ME (because I'm her BFF she says) to help her by taking, filling and serving her drink orders and by watching the kitchen window so I can run her food. Um. No...how's about I just take that table? No, it's her turn...she'll remind me every time it's her turn and then in the next breath ask me to do just about everything for the except take their order.

What I think is she sees me helping Mo and Batty. For Mo, my dear buddy, I WILL do all of that. He's awsome, he's done me many favors and he is 62 freaking years old so of course I am going to help him. I help Batty by running her trays of food out because they are heavy and because she is 60-something years old too and because if I help her she doesn't pick on me and if I help her she gives me candy and hugs and it's easier to get along with her than not. In Looney's case, she's as able bodied as I am and she needs to learn to sink or swim.

Well, I'd better get my ass to work here before my boss comes in and catches me not putting in these orders he handed me about 20 minutes ago. Talk to you soon!!